My protection

Good evening friends,

OK, lately I have been a little reflective. Shocked?? Me either. I have been thinking about how God woos us, wins us, loves us and keeps us for Himself. I can't even count how many times...Who am I kidding, yes I can. It's 3. Three times...God has worked on my heart by breaking it. It seems I just can't learn any other way. Actually... with 3 times and counting... maybe I'm not really learning this way either ;) I will be the first to admit to you that I am a romantic. A Soft-hearted, warm blooded Romantic. There's no shame in that... but it often causes me to attempt to fill the emptiness in my life with the wrong things. In one...or three... particular instances, that "wrong thing" came in the form of a man -- the wrong man. Not to dig up everything from my past... but the whole situation was very much like Dawson and Joey on Dawson's Creek.

Katie Holmes (now of Tom cruise fame) plays Joey, the good, angst ridden girl next door, and James VanDerBeek plays Dawson, the puppy-dog eyed teen from down the creek. Friends since childhood, it only makes sense that they are together. Knowing about each other's awkward days, knowing the deepest insights into each other... Joey and Dawson found happiness in letting their relationship progress to the next level. From friends to Romance in only 1 season! My story involves a boy who was close to the Lord, he met with older men for spiritual council and was a leader in the local student ministry. That, on top of the fact that we had been best friends for years, made the relationship progression incredibly natural. The friendship progressed, but I didn't think to talk about it. I just let it happen without seeing if our thoughts on the situation were mutual. When we kissed the first time, I was overwhelmed. Was this really happening? He was so good-looking. I truly knew him and I knew that he truly knew me. Plus, he was so good looking (did I say that already?) . At the tough, but tender age of 17... he awakened something in me. I felt more alive somehow. I felt loved and that was amazing. We were "involved" for a drama-filled two years before I finally wised up to his not-so-faithful heart. Throughout it all, I pursued him far more than he pursued me and although he somehow made me feel like I was the only girl he was kissing in his conversion van... I knew deep down he didn't truly love me. I knew he didn't love me, but there was a part of me that could not fathom that as much as I felt for him, he did not feel the same way too.

In retrospect I absolutely know now that this man's lack of love (and that of the two similar cases in the years following) was God's protection. These men, although kind hearted and seemingly the answer, weren't God's choice for me. Yet God -- as He always does -- has used time and truth to continue to heal the wreckage. In lyrics to a song I wrote as a high school senior about the above mentioned suitor, I say "you stole my fragile heart and dropped it on the floor/I picked up the pieces, dusted them off and gave them to you for more". My God as taken inventory of each one of those pieces and continues to form and mold my heart. Although I understand that breaking my heart has been God's way of protecting it, reflecting upon these chapters of my life does bring me some amount of sadness. I would be liar if I told you any differently, but, for me anyway, beyond that sadness is just more love. Love that is continually restored due to the love of my Creator.

Ok. So my point was not to rehash old heartaches or to creep you out by relating my life to that of 35-yea-old actors from a late 90's TV drama. My point was to let you know that you are not alone in the hope for romantic intimacy. You are not the only one who gets a little creeped out when the people you wrongly labeled as "unmarriable" walk down the aisle. You are not alone in picturing yourself in front of the white picket fence surrounded by your loving family (much like the opening credits to "Growing Pains") and then realizing you live in a 1 bedroom apartment with your cat. Basically, you are not the only one waiting. HOWEVER... while we're waiting... it is my hope that we not ignore the way God has protected and shaped our lives. It is my prayer that we recognize that we are placed here with purpose (1 Corinthians 7:17, Psalm 138:8, Proverbs 19:21...etc...) even if "here" isn't where we thought we would be.

Goodnight,
tempa