A day in the life...

My Little World

2006-09-11T22:38:00.000-04:00

Friends,

Tonight, I don't have much to say. I'm not very eloquent when it comes to unimaginable destruction and devastation. Faith, love, and celebrity gossip... sure. Horrific tragedy, not so much.

Since my alarm began abruptly buzzing at 6:18AM this morning, I have been bombarded with memories of this day five years ago. News stories, artsy photograph slide-shows, voice recordings of the now deceased... I managed to avoid most of the coverage. I made a playlist of MP3's instead of tuning into the local morning show. I chose Saved By The Bell over the Today Show on NBC. I did all I could to not be reminded of the fact that it is September 11th.

It's not the day itself that affects me. Sure, it's the eleventh day of the ninth month of the year... and something terrible happened on this same day less than a decade ago... I get that...But up until tonight's presidential address I was running away from the truth.

The truth that this world is so much bigger than I will ever be.

The truth that the plan for this immeasurably large world is something I will never understand.

The truth that scares me more than anything.

It is as if we (myself included) live in two worlds at once. The big world and the little world....and we (myself included) are infinitely more interested in our own little worlds. Our own problems, our own money, our own Ipods and SUV's... our own self. We are a self-propelled society moving within a larger realm... a realm in which we only see on the higher channels of our satellite TV's. I've said it before... it's the pursuit of comfort and ease, not happiness. When we are reminded of the events that took place in Manhattan five years ago we realize that comfort and ease, as we knew them, will never be the same.

This nation-shaking event has torn open the seam of my little world wide enough to realize that I am not the only one here and in the process of looking back at what I have left behind, I am astounded at how small and somewhat suffocating that little world actually was.

The New York air, though still filled with debris and aftermath, is far more fresh than any I have inhaled in my little world.

And I will continue to breathe.

Disclaimers #1 and #2

2006-09-09T20:49:00.000-04:00

#1
*** yes, this last blog was rather self-deprecating, but i said that it would be honest and it was. i don't want you all to think that i'm sitting at home wallowing in my homeliness or watching america's next top model with green tears of jealousy steraming into the pillow beneath my head... because that is not the case. not at all. like i said... i am who i am... and i like who i am. i'm glad i'm funny. i'm glad people like me. i'm the fun one for a reason and more often than not those reasons are great. sometimes, thought being the fun one means there's not much to say after someone asks about more than being the fun one. c'est la vie! ***

#2
Disclaimer .2
** Some of you seem to have misunderstood me... it isn't that I don't like myself. I do. Sometimes too much, to be honest. It isn't that I don't think I'm pretty... because I do. Granted, I also think there are some things that I could change and I am slowly but surely learning how to change them. What I don't like is being put into a category. I don't like being boxed into this one thing that I am only recognized as. Somehow I think that is as much my fault as it is others. As much as I don't like being the funny one, being the funny one has always been an easy escape... a safe route... a familiar place.

So... no... I don't think I'm homely. I used that word in my last blog for vocabularies sake. However, I don't think I'm going to be a painter's muse anytime soon either. I don't think I'm gonna stop any traffic by shaking out my harvest colored curls on the street corner, but I do think I am worthy of love... both from myself and someone else.

I hope my over dramatic cyber-rants don't make you think otherwise.**

2006-09-06T23:49:00.000-04:00

Friends,

My blogs are full of many things... opinion, sarcasm, introspection, wit... but the one thing that guides this freight train of thoughts and words along it's cyber-track is truth.

Honesty.

My blogs are always honest.

Tonight is no exception.

I realize it was a comment made in passing and no real harm was intended (or done, for that matter). I realize that had this person known I was nearby, the comment would not have even been made... although I'm not sure if that fact numbs or scortches the burn. I realize that the truth is better than a lie or even a sugar coated fib anyday... but for some reason hearing (or not hearing in this case) a truth about me... a truth that I already knew full well... did something to me. It affected me somehow, in a way most comments can not.

I’m not one to feign perfection or dwell in my inadequacies. I see myself for what I am, there's no harm in that. I am me and in my estimation... it’s nothing extraordinary.

If you asked someone who knows me to describe me, nine times out of ten they will comment on my personality. They say “She’s funny.” or “She has a good heart."... "She's a lot of fun" or "She's a blast." All of which are true, or so I've been told. I am kinda funny, and my heart is more good than otherwise. I do enjoy fun more than the alternative and, although I'm not entirely certain what being a "blast" would entail, chances are I'm up there with the best of them. But for some reason my blood boils as those phrases hit my eardrums. For some reason, I loathe those specific accolades. We are always quick to mention personality when we’re forced to say something nice about the plain.

“I have a friend I’d like you to meet?’

“Yeah, well, what’s she like?”

“She’s _______.” (insert any of the aforementioned adjectives)

“Uhh, I think I have to walk my neighbors puggle that night.”

That’s precisely what happens—minus the puggle part... I added that for dramatic effect. I know they say otherwise, but quality of heart and ability to make people laugh aren't usually on the top of a Man's list of Must-Have's. In general, most men opt for sophistication, grace, and...yes...physical beauty.

Men are, by nature, visual creatures... it's in their wiring. And I respect that.

I respect that, but I also understand that’s why I'm alone. I understand that's why she didn't know what to say when he inquired about more than personality.

Facts are facts.

Silence is silence.

I am who I am.

C’est la vie.

Pilot Episode

2006-09-04T01:00:00.000-04:00

hello friends,

i have recently returned from a wonderful weekend in the middle of the heartland. All of my college roommates (seven including myself) got together in one place for the first time since we graduated over two years ago. it was long-awaited, but seemed to come at the perfect time. it did my heart good to see those girls again and i have a feeling that becca, joanna, alicla, sarah, nicole, and amy would say the same.

i tried to go to bed before nine o'clock tonight. this ingenius idea backfired as it is now only 11:30 and i have awoken from what turned out to be an evening nap. damn that internal body clock!

sometimes, i feel like my life is playing out like the end of a grey's anatomy episode. tonight is no exception. here i am...at the end of the day...with the perfect acoustic melody playing in my head, while i am internally flooded with sudden realizations, hilarious recaps, and thought-provoking questions only to be answered in next weeks episode. i realize that the world is truly perfect in it's imperfections and i rest the comfort that fact provides. i realize that friends in which your life once revolved around can dissapear completely in mere moments and i try to explain away how it could possibly be my fault. i wonder how improving one's life could seem so easy in thought, but proves to be so difficult in it's execution. i wonder how life and love can be such a wonderful pairing, but at times, somehow don't seem to coexist at all. i rest as the melody crescendos, not knowing what tomorrow will bring and what pickle i will inevitably get myself into. i rest with questions unanswered.

ut this is life.

this is good.

let the credits role.

It's not like they don't ask for it

2006-08-31T23:17:00.000-04:00

3 wasted hours and 2 Diet Coke with Limes (or would it be diet cokes with lime??) later... I finally turned off the useless parade of scantily clad celebrities. Celebrities, most of which loosely use the term "musician" to define themselves. I have spent the last few hours watching the Video Music Awards.

My goodness.

Now, don't get me wrong... I understand the celebrity concept. I understand why the magazines I spend a very small yet somehow significant portion of my paycheck on take that concept and run with it . Its no different here than it is anywhere else in the world. The blokes across the pond watch Posh Spice and her soccer player/mannequin-look-alike husband take their morning jog through Picadilly Circus...not to mention keep close British eyes on the crazy cast of Royals. Greece tracks the destinations of their Paris Hilton dating shipping heirs and Germany keeps a tight reign on their Hasselhoff. And rightfully so, our America has her own nose stuck so deeply in the business of celebrities I can catch a whiff of Dolce and Gabbana on a breezy spring afternoon.

Its 'Dawson's Creek' with a story far too real for James VanDerbeek. The best part... much like Dawson's Creek... is that we can sit back, open a cold one, and watch that story unfold from our busted up Lazy-Boy recliners. Its like watching a good girl fight in the high school cafeteria or slowing to look for the body bag at the accident on the Eisenhower.
We keep our peace and they do all the hard stuff. When their "long-term relationship" ends after 3 weeks, we feel better about ours only lasting a month. When they gain a few around the middle, we feel a lot better about that Strawberry Cheesequake Blizzard reaking havoc on our lactose intolerant gullet.

I dont wish it for myself, that's for sure...being followed by flashbulbs and the like. But it works for Nicole Richie... probably because she has those unbelievably large sunglasses to shield her skinny pupils.

As much as I don't understand why one can justify a 8 figure salary for re-enacting a life that has already been lived (for free none the less!)... I support the tabloids. Although they cost 3.99 at the grocery counter, they are fun and if you dive into US Weekly or In Style (or any number of the other ones printing the exact same pictures as the first) knowing that it's no Washington Post... as is well. As long as you don't buy into all that madness... you'll be fine.

For now... I'm going to wash my face with the skin care regime Jessica Simpson promotes, spray my linens with the newest J-Lo perfume, and read the next chapter in my new Kaballah book....

Goodnight,
Tempa

If a picture paints a thousand words...

2006-06-21T00:15:00.000-04:00

8:34pm~ The air was still damp with the noonday rain. Clouds stretched for what seemed like years as I sang aloud the words of my favorite hymn with the windows down. As I turned onto the street that leads me home, I was amazed. The sky, melancholy grey not minutes before, had somehow been painted with the colors of cocktails and summertime. The sun, who had been hiding her smile for the duration of the day, revealed her shine for only moments before tucking herself in under the blankets of dusk.

There are certain things we are all able to recall in our minds. Certain things that stand out as favorites during the descriptions of such "things"... the best ice cream you've ever tasted, the most amazing song you've ever heard...etc. Tonight, I fear I may have seen the most beautiful sunset. I say "i fear" for two reasons. One being that if tonight was in fact the most beautiful sunset, I have many nights to spend gallivanting under much less spectacular colors. And two... this particular pallet of pinks and oranges was viewed alone.

When I see something amazing... Whether it be beautiful, historical, artistic..... I can't help but think of it's grandeur. I suddenly form sentences full of words not used in the context of my normal day. As I visited the castles and caves in Europe, I would create lives and memories for the people who once called them home. When I am greeted with a familiar smell, I fall into a subconscious state of nostalgia. When I see a sunset, I wax poetic about it's beauty. I have learned that it may be my way of feeling like Im actually sharing that exact moment in time with someone besides myself.

Words have always been a friend of mine. Sentences, my counselor. I use them in many ways. Both foolishly and eloquently, my words have been the soft ground on which I land. I'll talk it over...talk it out... write it down... blog. Words, both mine and others', are what I turn to for strength, support, comfort, and a swift kick in the pants.

Words are the reason that Ill probably be single forever

2006-05-26T19:25:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,
My plan was to spend some time song-writing this afternoon, but in thinking of song subjects... I thought of a blog subject instead. At least the guitar will be there when I'm done. So, instead of writing my own songs, I will listen to the beautiful music of "The Color Purple" and write my thoughts into the endless void that is the internet...

In life, there are moments that seem as though they never happened. A minute, an hour, a day... any span of time that, upon retrospect, you wish you could have somehow stepped out of yourself simply to watch. Whatever that moment was... it was just that beautiful.

If you pay close enough attention, sometimes you actually realize in the middle of one of those beautiful moments that youre part of a something amazing. You, at that exact moment in time, know that, by some pre-calculated process directed by time and circumstance, you have been placed in the middle of something magical. You have been directed by something larger than yourself. A first kiss, a first love, a first time you realize the world actually is beautiful and perfect (if only for that one moment in time.) You know, right in the middle of it, that it will be one of the moments that matter...and you also know its not going to happen...in the same way... ever again.

So... you take a snapshot, if your heart allows you the time. And hope to always remember exactly the way sun hit the hardwood as it streamed in through the venetian blinds, or the glitter of the gold in his eyes when he smiles, or the odd, yet somehow perfect, smell of fresh cut grass and anti-persperant.

Those pictures, with all their detail, are yours to keep and we learn to revisit them on rainy days. Or when the golds just look like brown. Or when anger somehow clouds your sense of smell.

Perhaps it's just because I fancy myself creative, or because I have a slight flair for the dramatic when dealing with loves lost and not yet found... but what I find most ironic about these "snapshots" is how easily they can provide a feeling comfort as well as a measure of regret... lost opportunities, broken hearts and irretrievable time.

Years ago, I fell in love for the first time. Now, I use those words lightly because although it was all I knew of love at the time... I have loved stronger since, and I stand to believe that there will be a love far stronger and more real than even this love I speak of now. Anyway... Many years ago, I fell in love for the first time. My heart would freeze when our hands would touch and I can't even explain to you what happened when it was not our hands, but our lips, that were intertwined. I recognized in the very moment when I first inhaled his kiss, that was a moment that mattered. I remember stopping to take a picture, knowing all too well that it would not, and could not, ever happen exactly that way again. It was overwhelming and tender and amazing and sad. I was seventeen, but it was all those things.

If I had to explain, even to myself, how I felt at that moment back in 1999, it would take a thousand words... or perhaps only a few. His name. The color of his hoodie. Aerosmith.

It's true these moments come few and far between. Life isn't chocked full of the moments that pause your soul. The vivid memories that cause your breath to vanish, or your heart to beat a different rhythm don't happen often. And that's as it should be. I think that the beauty of moments like those lie in their rarity. Only on occasion do we stand in awe of being in the right place, at the right time, taking part in something spectacular.

Only on occasion do we stand in awe of someone larger than ourselves.

Blessings,
Tempa

thoughts...

2006-05-08T01:18:00.000-04:00

It is Sunday. The weekend has passed all to quickly and tonight's twilight is slowly fading into just another Monday. A month has gone by since I wrote to you last. I wish I had a better excuse than "I've been busy"... but I've been busy. I am slowly realizing that life moves far to fast to be slowly realizing. Tonight, I sit with the lights already turned off. The bright white of the screen is casting a reflective glow onto the open window behind me and a cool summer breeze has found it's way into my room. In this short but needed moment of rest, I reflect upon the road in which my life has taken.

Twenty-four years and some odd days ago, I was born. A seven pound-seven ounce baby girl without a name. A head of peachfuzz attatched to a tiny body with which I knew not what to do. Helpless, cold, and completely at the mercy of others. As the years slowly (yet all too quickly) passed by, I learned things. At first the things I learned seemed simple. How to crawl, how to speak, how to use a fork without damaging the soft palate of my over-used mouth. The simple things soon turned monumental. How to read, tie my shoe, ride a bike. The momumental things I once accomplished turned to memorie, as obstacles previosuly undiscovered were conquered.
Year after year, moment after moment... I grew.
Year after year, moment after moment... I continue.

I am many things. A daughter to two, a sister to one, and a friend to many. I fancy myself a musician, a writer, an appreciator of all things creative. I am vain at times, but humble at others. I am loud with a quiet spirit. Gentle with a harsh tounge. I fear the unreasonable and reason with my fear. I am many things, but above all else I am fragile and I have been broken. Pieces of me have been lost, found, and put back into place. My heart has danced and it has mourned. It has broken, only to be filled again with love more potent than the love before. I stand five foot eight inches of joy personified. I am broken... and I am healed.

I sit here tonight, as the breeze finds it's way to my naked arms and attempt to process this overwhelming feeling of peace. I'm not sure I knew I had lost this feeling before. Perhaps it was never mine to begin with. It's as if I have spend the last twenty-four years as a blindfolded bull in a shop full of crystal trying my hardest to watch out for the Waterford. This bull is out of her shop and upon looking behind her, the goblets and vases and chandeliers remain intact.

I don't know where this leaves me. To be honest, I'm not even sure the purpose of these paragraphs... but I do know that year by year.... moment by moment... I grow.
Year by year... moment by moment... I am me.

On a Sunday, About a Sunday...

2006-04-09T22:23:00.000-04:00

Friends,

As I sat down at my computer to write this evening, I was greeted by a cool spring breeze. Making it's way through the screen of my open window and onto my unsleeved arm, this breeze brought with it a much needed awakening and refreshment... yet another wonderful illustration of how the little things in this life are the most important. I know that I have written previously about finding love and life in the little things. Although I attempt to apply that concept to my daily life, it often becomes a challenge. Today however, long before the breeze, the idea of "the little things" was made quite apparent. Tonight... I will share with you my thoughts...

For the last two years or so, I have been struggling with the difficult task of finding a church to belong to. In Minneapolis, I didn't know where to start. So many churches, so little Sundays. After a year of searching, the Lord called me to move back to Iowa. Now that I would be living in the same town as my closest friends, it seemed obvious that I would attend the church that they call home. This morning, I was nearly brought to tears by the reality of how the Lord has provided for me. Again, I remind you that I am talking about finding love in the little things, so this blog will not be some out of this world realization or breakthrough theological thesis. It's little, but yet so, soo big!

As I was singing as part of the worship team this morning, I realized that Trinity Bible Church is exactly where I am supposed to be. I have always been kind of frustrated with the idea of "church." Now, before you all go jumping ship on me... hear me out. Sunday morning church was never something that my family put any emphasis on. I remember attending a Baptist church as a child, but once I reached my preteen years we just didn't go anymore. It was not until I made the commitment to Christ (at 16) that I began to attend church regularly. It was then that I quickly realized that a four-walled building with a power-point projector and a cross up front doesn't really cut it. The idea of "church" can easily become a once-a-week-because-I-have-to kind of thing and that is exactly what it's not. Church is not a building, it's a body. It is a community of believers (regardless of where they commune!) Church is not a few rock tunes, far too many announcements, and a life-affirming message. Church is not women's groups, men's groups, single's groups, youth groups... Church is ONE Group. ONE fellowship meeting to worship ONE God.

I gotta be honest with you, if I drive by one more church marquee reading "Send God a Knee-Mail" I may just toss my proverbial cookies! Although the greeters are always kind, I don't need to be professionally greeted at the door of every sanctuary I enter. I want to be known, not counted. Sometimes, it's as if they aren't happy to see me, Tempa Elizabeth Haines... they are truly happy too see another pew filled. In attending so many different churches during what I have now named "The Great Church Search", I realized that I don't need a church with schedules to keep, fundraisers to promote, and people to love me on the surface. What I need is a safe place, a community of people who know each other and who strive to know Jesus more. Don't get me wrong.... I am not saying that churches with greeters and announcements and the occasional power point presentation are necessarily bad. I am sure they are sincere in their mission, but in all honesty.... we don't need sincerity. We need truth. And truth is only found in 100% authenticity. The authenticity of Christ (sidebar: I don't think you'll find our Jesus counting heads at the 11:00 service and I'm fairly certain He didn't pause before his messages to remind those listening of the upcoming spaghetti dinner). He taught, He corrected, He interacted. He studied, prayed, and believed in others with true authenticity. He was part of a true Church. A body of believers who lived and yearned to worship the one true God.

This morning, as I sang the poignant words of "In Christ Alone" I realized that He Himself had placed me in a true Church that I can call home and for that... for that little thing...

I am Thankful.

Blessings,

Tempa

Sunday night Thoughts....

2006-04-03T00:45:00.000-04:00

Hello friends, Before discussing my topic of choice for this evening, I must apologize for being away for so long! It wasn't until a friend reminded me about my lack of blogging that I realized it had been nearly a month since my last entry. I promise, it won't happen again :) Also, before starting tonight's topic... I must digress onto one other thought that is traveling aimlessly around in my mind.

After attending church this morning, I spent the remainder of the day with a good friend (this friend will later be the segue into tonight's topic of choice, but we'll get there eventually). We attended the choir concert of our former college and then spent the evening watching Pride and Prejudice. Now, I have never been one to enjoy reading, especially not novels of such literary grandeur, but I distinctly remember being bored when attempting to sink my teeth into Jane Austin during my high school years. On the contrary, this movie quickly made it's way onto my Top Five Best Movies Ever list. I'm not sure how many times this novel has been adapted to fit the big screen, but not having seen any other adaptation... I must say that this version FAR exceeded my expectations (although, Ms. Knightly does at times look like a vampire) Pride and Prejudice is the perfect combination of romance and comedy mixed with the elegance of old world majesty. Needless to say... I will be adding this film to my collection as soon as possible!

Ok... now onto my actual thoughts for this evening. As you all know by now, I am single. With the exception of a few "maybe's" and an "almost", I have been for quite a long time. It's not something I see as extremely detrimental to my life or my spirit... but lately, it has been something that has set me apart from those who I currently share in this life with. Just the other day, I spent a good portion of 12 hours with three married couples and one couple who have the church reserved for June. The duration of this rainy Sunday was spent with a dear friend who is set to make the trip down the aisle on July 15th and I am soon to see another dear friend who took the proverbial leap nearly two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love these friends and wouldn't be the same without them... but it does put an interesting spin on the way that I see my social life.

Each time a close friend gets married, it's as if my whole relational framework changes. These friends now have a new and permanent primary relationship, and I have been shifted into second. This relational shift is extremely natural and not at all suprising... but it takes some work to get used to. In a sense, you are letting go of what once was... and let's be honest... letting go is never easy. What makes the whole thing more difficult (and this is the kicker, folks) is that it often feels as if you are letting them go toward something better than where you are being left behind. In any case, what other choice is there? Getting angry? Being jealous? Throwing the ultimate pity-party, complete with scented candles and 80's monster ballads? I must admit, there are elements of immediate gratification in each, but none of them will do the trick. Letting go with grace is the logical option.

I am sure that many of us can come up with many different pictures of what letting go with grace actually means, but I see it as a HUUUGE step in one's own maturity. In order to be graceful about this awkwardly difficult, yet clearly natural process... one must be willing to face the truth. By "truth" I mean the empty, dark, scared places of our souls that we usually try so hard to stay away from. In my case, this sounded a lot like me admitting to the Lord that I am "insanely jealous and feel totally jipped, neglected, and left out. As I looked around the pews in church this morning, I was bombarded with couples sitting arm in arm listening attentively to the sermon as one would calmly stroke the other's back or run their fingers through the other's hair. As I turned to my best friend sitting to my right, she too was linked with her husband deep in thought. A sinking feeling came over me. One can only sit alone amongst pairs so many times without starting to feel a bit third-wheelish at best. Sometimes, I sit behind two other friends that I know well (one of which was the "almost" I mentioned earlier) and although our friendship and conversation is nothing less than genuine... each of his vertical finger motions up and down her back was a screaming reminder of my own romantic misfortune.

Ok, so maybe this is not so much a picture of letting go with grace, but an illustration of the fact that letting go with said grace is ANYTHING but easy. In fact... it is hard. Hard enough that there is no way that I can do it alone. Only Someone better than I can get me through what could easily be a detrimental situation without the bruises and scars to prove I was even there in the first place. Only Someone better than I can keep me from being a complete jerk-store and facing the situation with contempt and jealousy. Only Someone better than I am can enable me to know- in the dark and empty places of my soul- that my friend has been given a gift and I, as her friend, should allow her to enjoy it. Not only allow her to enjoy it, but celebrate it with her. That grace has only recently crawled into the nooks and crannies of my soul and only recently has that grace allowed me to be somone better.

Actually, the more I think about it, I realize that nothing in the past few years has taught me dependence on God like letting go of people I care about. Maybe it is because I am chronically codependent, not to mention a self-proclaimed relationship junkie, but letting go has never come easy for me. I need help trusting that if I say goodbye... I will say hello again soon.

Ok...let's wrap this up... I have had some serious hunger pains since my friends started (slowly but surely) marrying off two years ago. There have been many a lonely Friday night when Ive wanted to call a friend who was instead with her husband. At times, it has felt like I might as well start letting in the stray cats that roam around my building, watching Iowa Public Television and the Gameshow Network, and buying cake frosting by the tub. Strangely though, that pattern of love and loss has actually softened my heart. Though I think I would have chosen a different path for my life if I had the chance, learning to let go of those who once occupied my heart has left it more ready to accept and welcome in those who will take up residence there soon.In spite of the ever-morphing relationships between myself and many close friends whose lives have changed with marriage, I have not been forsaken. I have not been left behind. I am not some pitifully depressing, lonely, cold-hearted spinster woman. To the contrary. As I look into those deep parts of my soul, I see that my heart is more full than ever.

Goodnight dear void,
tempa

If you're a bird... I'm a bird.

2006-02-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

Hi friends,

The title of this blog is a line from the movie "The Notebook". While watching what may go down in history as one of the best love-story-chick-flicks of all time, I remember chuckling a bit when hearing that line. It just seemed so silly. But... I digress... this entry is not about "The Notebook" at all. It is about birds... just roll with me. I promise I'll make some assemblance of a point eventually.

Yesterday was a wonderful Friday. Not only do I finish work at 2PM on Fridays, it was payday and one of the nicest days I've seen since we rolled into 2006. On my drive into work yesterday morning, I had the windows open and the music turned up. It was wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I paused a while before heading into the office. During that small (yet enjoyable) pause, I heard the sing-songy warble of whatever bird reminds me of April mornings at the elementary school bus stop. A definite Spring Song in the middle of February. I smiled to myself and looked into the sky hoping to see the cotton-like clouds that line the skies on spring mornings. Instead, I witnessed the chaotic dance of hundreds of birds. All of them spinning, soaring, darting and diving; flying in what seemed to be gleeful abandon to the nearest telephone wire or rooftop. They would dart up high and swerve to the left, cris-crossing over other birds in their path. I must have been standing in that parking lot for a few solid minutes and there was never a break in their sky-dance. Granted, all these birds were borderline creepy...like Poe's The Raven meets Cinderella's singing canary... but at the same time, it made me think (shocking!).

Just three days before, it had snowed in Waterloo. On this particular Friday morning, the sun was shining and it was 50+ degrees. I truly believe those birds thought it was spring. They assumed winter had ended and it was time to return from down south. These birds were joyfully welcoming themselves back home. After a while of standing beside my car (occasionally hoping noone was watching me from any number of the nearby windows), I finally gave up and realized the end of this sky-dance would not be anytime soon and I went inside.
The cool (and pretty weird) thing about that experience is that I could relate to those birds at that moment. Granted, I'm extremely afraid of heights and that whole spending the duration of my life in flight thing kinda creeps me out... but just like those bids... a season has changed in my life. Another winter has seemingly melted away and I am sky-dancing my way into Spring. Those birds had no fears about returning to Iowa for the springtime, they were coming back home with wreckless abandon and seemingly loving every second of it. Those crazy winged-creatures were taking a huge risk, making the trip all the way back home after hearing about only one day of sunshine (a little bird must have told them! ha! too funny). They flew home anyway, despite the chance that their next sunrise might bring winter right back where it started.

Today, we realize that winter never left. It's 32 degrees and dropping. I don't know where those birds are today... but I do know that they came, they danced, and they lived for one whole day of the comforting Iowa sunshine.
It will be spring soon enough... and perhaps those birds will laugh at themselves down the road. They will sit around their nests chirping about how much fun they had during their February sky-dance. While they remember a time that once was... I will find my own sky-dance and, with joyful abandon, spin and soar and dart and dive.

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"
Tempa

A letter to friends on Valentines day...

2006-02-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

It is 10:38 in the evening and as the mild winter wind sweeps over the flat landscape where I now reside, I realize that only a mere two hours stands between me and the day all singles have grown to loathe. I have spent the last week unpacking my soul from cardboard boxes- finding new homes for all of the worldly possessions that have accumulated over the last 24 years. Two weeks ago I once again left behind walls that have within them a testimony to who I am and the company I keep. In all of my many moves, however, I have carried you with me. You... my dear friends... live in and out of photographs, mix CD's, and decorated boxes. In preparing for this most recent relocation, I found myself sifting through the sands of time and rediscovering the good old days through anticipation of the new ones. I spent hours on my knees cleaning the corners of my past in order to dirty the corners of my future, and I found myself listening to such things as Simon and Garfunkle, Indigo Girls, Savage Garden, loud rad 80's rock ballads, and the Dawson's Creek Soundtrack volumes one and two. I found pictures of us at 20, some of us at 15, some even younger, and some recent. I found pictures from formals, from the awkward stage, from the yearbook with our heads meticulously tilted at just the perfect angle- photographs from years past permanently etching a page in my history that I will never overlook. I found your letters and re-read your words. Somehow, I know you meant every word when you wrote them... I only hope I am able to hear them again. My hands fell over the small trinkets and gifts I have received as I placed them on bookshelves and endtables. Things I was given as gifts and things I kept simply because they reminded me of you. Finding new homes for small pieces of things that once were, allowed me to once again touch a piece of time that no longer exists. Something that is only to be found again in closeted shoe-boxes after the corners of my room have been dirtied.

For the little bits of everything that you have contributed to my life- and for all the contributions yet to be made... I thank you. To those old and new- to relationships lost and relationships recovered-TO ALL OF MY FRIENDS- I love you. I love you for being who you are and for sharing a piece of yourself with me. You have given of yourself and in the process made my life overwhelmingly full- and I am grateful...

Forever,
Tempa

Love, or lack there of...

2006-02-09T00:43:00.000-05:00

Hi friends,
It is that time of year again. The time of year when the aisles of your nearest Walgreens become filled to the rafters with red-foil covered chocolate kisses and far-too-expensive greeting cards. Time as come again for mushy love poems and sappy 80's rock-ballads (although... in my opinion... it is ALWAYS time for a sappy 80's rock-ballad). Valentine's day is just around the corner and in honor of ye ol' St. Valentine... I will blog this evening on Love.
In my near 24 years of existence on this planet, I have come to realize that the world is desperate for love. Each one of us longs to love and be loved, but we often we misunderstand what exactly that entails. So instead, we use the word 'love' in casual conversation - I love ice cream... I love my Jeep... I love my new Jimmy Choo's.

We foolishly link one of the strongest human emotions to things that essentially have no worth. I have also come to learn that in order to find the true meaning of what Love really is, we must turn our gaze upward, for the Lord is Love Himself. Many of you have heard the word "Agape" used to describe love. Agape, an ancient greek work commonly used in the Bible, never refers to romantic feelings or the "tickle in your tummy" kind of love. It doesn't refer to brotherly love or having a kinship with another person. Agape love... real love... is what I like to call a "God Thing".

Someone once said that true, genuine love is giving of ourselves to meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. It is fairly easy to give if, in return, we expect to gain. In the same way, it is easy to love if, in return, we expect to BE loved. However, that is not always the case. I am the first to tell you that unrequited love bites the big one! I am also the first to tell you that this true love I am speaking of expects nothing in return. This love that I am talking about starts in the heart of Christ and flows to the hearts of others. This love that I am talking about is not just a feeling... it's an action... it's a choice... it's a way of living. This love is selfless, humble, and undeserving.

So... all this makes sense, right? Here comes the hard part.... Scripture not only tells us that this kind of love was found in Christ, but it tells us this kind of love ought to be the defining characteristic in us, as well. (John 13:34-35)

That is where I come up a bit short. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I am a loving person. I've been given the gift of compassion, at least in some capacity, and truly enjoy spreading that love and compassion to those who may need it. However... I also like to hear that I'm doing a darn good job passing out that compassion and have been known to get annoyed if no one notices. I'll be the first to admit I have complimented someone only to receive a compliment in return. I've flirted with someone only so they will flirt back. None of these self-centered acts are acts of humility. None of these are acts of Love.

Beneath all this rambling... my point is that in this season of Love we should all seek to give away as much real, genuine love as possible and the only way to give that love away is to receive it from Christ Himself. Leave the candied hearts and scented candles on the shelves at Hallmark, and look upward, my friends. Be eager to receive the selfless abundant love that is being given to you and then turn elsewhere and selflessly give it away.

That is Valentine's Day.

"amazing love..."
Tempa

Life is fast...

2006-01-30T18:39:00.000-05:00

Better not blink, or you'll miss something!

Hello friends,

I write to you tonight as I sit at my desk at Martin Luther Manor. A desk that will only be mine for another 24 hours or so. I have about an hour to waste before my evening activity starts. Tonight, it's TailWaggers. A group of middle-aged women come in with their therapy trained dogs and the residents get quite a kick out of it. I'm bored out of my gourd, but I guess it's not about me. It's weird to think that tomorrow is my last day at this place. It seems like just yesterday I was writing some melodramatic entry about being axed and how we should (figuratively of course) "Damn the Man, Save the empire!" Now, I have less than 24 hours left at a place where I have spent nearly every day of the last year of my life and a 365 square foot truck is rented and ready for me to move my life elsewhere in less than a week. Like I said, Life is fast, better not blink or you might miss something!

Speaking of missing something. I lost a good friend this past month. At least he once was a good friend. I haven't really blogged about it... for two reasons actually. Needless to say I have been a bit sidetracked by my needing to find a job, but right after his passing, it appeared that blogging about Billy was the "cool thing" to do and it seemed a bit tasteless at the time. Now, however, I'd like to put some thoughts into words...

In looking back on the last three weeks of this new year only one word comes to mind... unpredictable. If you had asked me on December 31st what I thought my January would bring... I clearly would have given you the wrong answers. Life is insanely unpredictable. To sum up the last few weeks... January meant losing a job, but finding a passion. Losing Billy, but finding grace.

Billy was theater person. A singer. An upbeat sparkplug of a boy who became a good friend of mine during our time at Lake Zurich High School. He was a freshman when I was a senior. Despite the age difference, I looked up to him. He had a charm and charisma about him that none other could quite achieve. He was kind, thoughtful and full of life. During my sophomore year of college, I was told that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I would see him every now and again during my trips back to Chicago and although he always looked different... he was still the Billy I knew. He was still the Billy who played the best "Jack" to my "Cinderella's Mother". Even when the chemo and medications were taking hold of his brawny frame, he was still the Billy that permeated with some sort of strange yet undeniably appealing attraction. He was always just Billy.

When there's old age or self destructive behavior, it's easy to make sense of death. When you are close to a person and see them through the different stages of sickness, it may be easier to understand. He was here, and now he's not. However, in my feeble attempt to make sense of what makes no sense, I see the lesson that looms overhead. Appreciate the people in your life. Be kind, even when you're not being watched. Take a deep breath once in awhile. Seek out a sunset here and there. Heck... climb a mountain or write a poem. Know that you are part of a people who are intelligent anresilientnt and vast in their differences. Know that you are perfectly crafted by the Artist Himself. But also know that your time is limited. Your days are few. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and because of that... know that you must live a life abundant in love and laughter. So when your day comes...whether it be 85 years down the line or, much like Billy, far too soon... you will leave this place knowing you have accomplished great things.

Add to the Beauty,
Tempa

Whirlwind Weekend

2006-01-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

Wow. I have just returned from quite a whirlwind weekend (hence the title of this weblog!) I spent the last four days in Cedar Falls running around to job interviews galore. They all went well and I had a wonderful time with the best people in the world. I look forward to hopefully being offered one of the jobs I interviewed for and starting a life much like the last four days have been. But, I am still uncertain when, or if at all, that is going to happen. So, for now, I will sit in this computer chair at a place I no longer want to live and fight to keep out the harsh reality of the fact that I am back where I don't want to be.

The last week or so of the month is always an emotional one for me. Again, the fault of genetics and the lovely X chromosome. But for some reason, these last weeks of January have been tough. I lost my job and, somehow, with it the dream of a life established was lost as well. I had always thought I'd be somewhere by now. Married or dating or successfully corporate. I had always thought that by the age of 24 I would be established... at least employed. I know it sounds ridiculously dramatic (and, in all honesty, when I read back over this entry in a week or so I will surely realize that it is) but when I lost my job here in the Twin Cities, my path went with it. In life... we have milestones... drivers license, highschool graduation, college graduation, one's first job, marriage, children...etc. I rushed past the first few milestones with flying colors and until recently, I had thought I was well on my way to the next. Now, however, I have to back-track. No one ever prepares you to re-do milestones. A milestone, by definition, is something that is exciting and new when you reach it. It is neither new nor exciting when you have to travel backwards to reach it again. In fact, it's frustrating. Really frustrating.

Ironically, spending time with my best friends didn't really improve my uncharacteristically fragile emotional state. Don't get me wrong. I love them. I would spend time with them at the drop of a hat, but their milestones are different than mine. They've hit a few more than I have and as wonderful as that is, as much as I love them, as selfish as this may sound... spending time with people who are in love, have jobs they love, and have lives they love...spending time with people who have their lives on the right path makes it even more apparent to me that I do not. And yes... I realize that in the big picture,my life is right where it needs to be. Milestones will pass when the Lord has planned for them to pass. I am redoing this one because I need to. There is somewhere else I need to be right now and I realize that 100%. I know that is true. I know that the Lord has promised good to me, but it's hard for me not to know where that good is going to come from. It is harder still to sit and wait all the while knowing that very fact is not mine to know.

For now, dear friends, I will be still and wait. I won't tell you that it is going to be easy, because there is no use in lying to you (or myself!) I will sit and wait and strugle to be ok with the fact that I am left sitting and waiting...

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways" Psalm 37:7

2006-01-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

Good morning,

It's odd typing to you in the morning and not in the late hours of darkness. I have the day off of work, so I thought I would take advantage of the situation. This morning, I awoke to the sound of my cell phone ringing "Tap Dance" and saw that it was Kate calling. She felt bad about ripping me from my child-like slumber, but soon realized that it is overdue retribution for the many times I did the same thing to her during college. Funny Stuff.

Lately, I have been noticing all the odd (and annoying) ways people draw attention to themselves. You know what I am talking about... how some people wear clothes that are too tight, too bright, too short, too big... how people dye their hair colors that are far from natural... how some people spend hours at the local Gold's Gym to sculpt the perfect "look at me" body... and how others just pierce and tattoo the crap out of the perfectly good body they already had. They are all attention-getters. Granted, the majority of us however, donÂt do anything radical. Instead, we simply find interesting things about ourselves and use them to our advantage when necessary. It could be as simple as stating an off-color opinion during a heated discussion or as intricate as shelling out thousands of dollars for an endangered monkey or a Puggle. It is only when things like this fail, that people bring out the big guns. It is at that point that people call upontheirrdeficienciess. Now, working in a healthcare field has given me the opportunity to learn about many different ailments, but itÂs down-right disgusting to hear all of the different abnormalities that come out of a simple break room lunch discussion.

It starts out innocent enough... Randy might mention, in passing, that he has a mild peanut allergy. Then Evelyn will chime in with the fact that in addition to peanuts, she is allergic to all legumes. After two have mentioned their odd yet intriguing ailments, the childish game of "My dad's better than your dad" begins. Haley will call upon her lactose intolerance, Josh might throw in that he gets the runs if he eats wheat bread. I, of course, always make a point to mention the fact that my face once inflated like a beach ball because of the pesticides on Florida Oranges. The conversation between coworkers quickly progresses to things like accidents resulting in surgery, pregnancy woes, and diagnosed mental disorders. I have found that doctors and nurses often claim to have had learning disabilities as children, while those in the business office pull out the lisp or lazy-eye card. Without a doubt, someone will eventually mention how his best friend's sister's boyfriend's cousin's uncle was hospitalized for a tumor that they later realized was actually his twin.

The other day when I was working at the coffee shop, an older (although still quite burly) man entered and asked if we had anything that wasn't made of chocolate, coffee, or sugar. "I'm on a special diet," he said "Can't have chocolate. Coffee. Or Sugar." He went on to tell me all about WHY he was set up on such a specific diet and for how long he was instructed to stay that way: Severirritableal bowel syndrome and 6 months. Although I was tempted to ask him why he came to a coffee shop for something that didn't include any of the ingredients that coffee shops are famous for... I simply explained to him that we had many juice and tea options... lest he forget about the option of a tall glass of water. I felt bad for the burly man. In that case, his incredibly specific ailments needed to be broadcast to a complete stranger behind the counter... not to mention the few thirsty customers who had formed a line behind him during his "special diet" saga. In the end, I gave the man (whose name, I was told, is Marty) a medium skim sugar-free no-whip hazelnut steamer.

In further (and probablunnecessaryry) thought, I wonder why these foolish ailmentexistst in the first place. Are they Biblical? Are they the result of human or technological evolution? Or... did God create things like IBS and Peanut Allergies during a light-hearted conversation with John the Baptist ovemediumim skim sugar-free no-whip hazelnut steamers?

Have a great day,
tempa :)

Overture, Entre'act, Finale...

2006-01-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

Good evening friends,

It is nearing 1:30 in the morning and I have just woken up from a few hours of sleep. Oddly enough, I'm not tired anymore. Very interesting, I know. I think I am just nervous about the fact that my life currently hangs in the balance between Minneapolis and Cedar Falls, Iowa. I thought I would take advantage of this sudden awakeness and clear my mind by writing to my favorite internet friends. Yes, friends. I realize I do know most of my readers in person, but even to those who might just read my words as they are passing by... I feel we are somehow connected on this giant spinning orb we call earth.
Anyway, on with the blog...
Anyone who knows me, knows that I have quite an active imagination... and, dare I say, a flair for the dramatic. Granted, I'm not the girl who wears beatnick berets and black turtlenecks... but I was the six year old who made castles out of dining room chairs and bed sheets. I was the girl who somehow found ways to parallel every episode of Dawson's Creek to her own life and, yes, I still do secretly yearn for my oh-so-distant love story to be pulled from the script of a good Nora Ephron movie. I'll admit it... I love the intense highs and lows of life. Romance and Sadness, Joy and heartache. They cohabitate on our life lines and, in my opinion, living would be a dull existence without them.

Earlier this evening (when I was supposed to be concentrating on making a large sugar free skim honey vanilla latte) I was thinking about my life. Or more so... life in general. I have always said that I wish life was like an old Roger's and Hammerstein musical. Where a simple thought could start a chorus of song. Where those around you would somehow know all the steps to the intricate dance that you spontaneously break into. Feelings could be expressed with a simple comment to the proverbial audience and everything would work out OK in the end. Then I realized, with the exception of the song and dance, our lives are our own personal Oklahoma's and South Pacific's.

Before the show, the audience is prepared by the overture. The 9-month overture in our case. This signals the audience to take their seats, quiet their conversations, and get ready for the show. Act One introduces the main character. She learns, she grows, she experiences. Supporting roles are added in as necessary and inevitably become integral parts of the storyline. The story continues and just as one might think our leading lady has it all figured out, she gets herself into a pickle. Sometimes humorous, sometimes frightening... but always a pickle.
INTERMISSION- This is when our lives seem to even out. Nothing exciting, nothing new. Time enough for the audience to grab a drink of water and stand in-line at the lady's room for a while before returning to their seats. Act Two, the shorter of the two acts, starts with a rousing Entre'act, a reminder of where we left off. Somehow, with the help of the supporting characters and good script writing from the Author Himself, our heroine finds her way out of the aforementioned pickle and all ends well to the sounds of the reprise...reminding us all of where we came from and how exactly we ended up alright.

Although I would be lying if I said I didn't yearn for a full-cast song and dance at times, I'm content with knowing that I have a little bit of the Sound of Music in everyday life.

G*night friends,
tempa

Happy New Year... or something...

2006-01-14T01:33:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

I love New Year's. Not because of the champagne and parties; not because the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is finally over; and especially not because of the sudden college football television monopoly. I love New Year's because it signifies the end of something newly completed and the beginning of something completely new. Suprisingly, both the ending and beginning excite me. At times, I think that celebrating "New Year's" seems a bit foolish. When you really think about it, it's only a matter of seconds that separate the old from the new... but I think we all need that definitive separation to give us the ability to get past what is past.

Recently, everyone left 2005 and entered 2006 at different points in their lives... the common denominator of the situation is that we are all entering a new year very differently than we entered the least one. Some of us got married, some of us had children... some of us won the lottery and blew it all on Coach purses and Maybelline. (No, I don't know anyone that did that, but it made me laugh to think about... seriously, think about it. You'll laugh too!) Unless you spent the last 12 month encased in ice...we are all at different places than we were a year ago. For Instance, I was dealt a bad card yesterday when I was informed my position at Martin Luther Manor had been eliminated. Although I will continue there until the end of the month and was given another full month of severance pay... the proverbial rug was pulled out from under me. Now, I stand (rugless) at an unknown location very far from where I was just 365 days ago. At this point, it would be easy for me to complain and seek out the injustice... but just like a matter of minutes allows for a new start to the New Year, a matter of minutes can allow for a new start to a new chapter of my life, as well.

Along with this most recent life-altering debacle, the last couple of years have brought along with them relationship disappointments, missed opportunities, lost friendships, and poor reactions to situations beyond my control. In order for me to move forward...to continue growing... I need to put those things behind me and venture into the rugless unknown I previously spoke of.

Like I said before, not all of us have entered this new year in the same place, but all of us are changed. All of us (except, of course, those encased in ice) have a year of growth under our proverbial belts and we are called to embark upon this new year with gusto. Afterall, in the immortal words of Semisonic (circa 1999) "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end".

G*night,
Tempa

"For our momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2nd Corinthians 4:17-18

Belated Christmas Entry...

2005-12-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry about missing my second annual Christmas blog. Christmas didn't really feel much like "Christmas" this year, on account of the fact that the weather is unseasonably warm and I didn't give or receive any presents. Not yet anyway. My Christmas is technically this weekend when my parents and my best friend (accompanied by her wonderful husband) pay a visit. So... until then, I will not write a Christmas blog and save up all my sappy, year in review type stuff until the year, in my opinion, is finished.

In the meantime, however, I will write a little something I came up with last night. I got home from working at the coffee shop late last night, but wasn't feeling tired in the slightest. I'm sure that was a combination of my excitement and anticipation of the upcoming weekend and the Venti Sugar-free White Chocolate Mocha I downed at about 8:45. Regardless, I spent the early morning hours writing songs and this little snipit of an idea that I will share with you...

The Romantic Comedy of my Dreams:
Our last relationships ended at roughly the same time. We both move to vintage brownstone apartments on a charming city block from which you can walk to the weekly farmer's market or the nearby family-owned bookstore. How surprising that we'd find ourselves to be neighbors. Between that and our similar status of broken-heartedness, it's only natural that we'd form some sort of bond. Quickly, we become good friends... eating dinner together most nights because it's no fun cooking alone, taking care of each other's pets when we're out of town...even though I don't think your abnormally large dog likes me very much. We spend hours laughing together over drinks about embarrassing moments in past relationships and every so often we agree that although neither of us is yet to find "The One"... all we want is to be married, settled, happy and in love. When, we wonder, will this happen? When, we say to ourselves- to proud to speak it aloud, will it be our turn?

Later that same year, I throw a party for all our hip and witty single friends. A Christmas party or, ironically, an anti-Valentine's Day party. You have a few too many of my famous "Love Potion #9" cocktails and stay to help me clean up. "You don't need to stay" I say as I load the stainless steel dishwasher. "I want to" you reply. "What? Why?" I ask, thinking it odd that any man would choose cleaning over sleeping. "Just 'cause." You flash me a coy half-smile and drink the remaining liquids in the glasses from the table. Later that night, you, seemingly a bit tipsy, gaze deep into my eyes and slur, "I love you." I laugh, thinking you mean it in the X-box playing pal Budweiser commercial sense, and set you up with a pillow and a blanket on my couch. "Thanks for your help" I say as you quickly fall asleep. The next morning, we behave as if nothing has happened. But you wonder...

A few months later, I tag along with you to a family party as your "platonic" back-up date. A wedding would be best, but a graduation party or family reunion would work too. We are separated briefly... you head to the mens room or get caught up in conversation with the good ol' boys... when I am drawn into speaking with a well-meaning but slightly meddling female relative of yours. I'm thinking it's your sister - who asks me quite bluntly why we're not together. I shy away at first: "We're just friends... really." But she presses me. "Have you seen the way he looks at you?" she asks. "He talks about you all the time. Believe me, I've known him his whole life, and I know he's into you. You both are like a episode of the Newlyweds circa 2003!" After chuckling at her pathetically dated joke, I face her head-on and give her my big speech. The speech I had gone over in my head numerous times before. The speech about how you are such an all-around perfect guy: smart, funny, sensitive, handsome, successful, charming, etc.. the list goes on. "I'm not the girl who gets that guy," I tell her. "I'm the girl who is that guy's sassy best friend. That's just the way things work." As I attempt to drown the truth with the last sip of my Chardonnay, she takes matters into her own hands. I watch her march across a crowded room and sternly order you to come and get me. She loves you, after all she is your older sister and it seems she knows you better than you think she does. Suddenly, the realization dawns on you: you love me. Just like you said you did that night at my apartment. Only you didn't realize how deep this love went because it was more than any love you had experienced before. It was more than a stupid feeling in the pit of your stomach or the butterflies you feel as you steady your head near one's lips to kiss. All you've wanted was this kind of love and here I've been right down the sidewalk the whole time! Unbeknownst to your realization, I stare blankly into my empty wine glass. You startle me as you touch my shoulder and sweep me into your arms for a first-kiss worthy of all the butterflies in the world. "What was that for?" I ask coyly, as I already suspected what your answer might be. "Just 'cause." you answer as you place your hands on my face and kiss me again. I pull away to ask something along the lines of 'what does this mean', but just as I am about to speak you softly "shh" me and ask me not to speak. "I love you" you say "and it's the 100% don't worry be happy, kind of love." I smile as you take my hand into yours. My mind draws blank, which is odd as I am usually one with many things to say, and all I can muster is "I love you too."

Ahh... a girl can dream can't she? It's one of those movies in my mind kind of deals. No, I dont want this to actually happen to me. I just want someone to make it a movie and then I can watch it happen to other people ;-) Que Romantico!

ANyway... more to come later this weekend!
Peace, Love, and washer fluid~
Tempa

Random Sunday, Random Thoughts

2005-12-18T11:04:00.000-05:00

Hello there,

First off... I got say...

I loves me some Jake Gyllenhaal!

Ok, moving on to more important and worthwhile topics....

7 days until Christmas. That's only one week. Seven days placed together in succession and then it will be Christmas day. This might be an odd holiday for me. Not only is it my first Christmas away from the family, it's my first Christmas as an "adult". True, the United States government has recognized me as an adult for the last five years, but according to the laws of all things reality, TRUE adulthood comes when you pack up your belongings (being careful to leave behind the Pillow Person you've had since you were four) and head out on your own. I realize that the meaning of Christmas is anything but the presents one receives, but this gradual advancement into adulthood has quite an effect on the giving and receiving parts of this joy-filled Holiday. Gifts from parents that began as socks and bras somehow morph into gift cards and checks. Cards from relatives are now addressed only to you and you are suddenly responsible for the giving of gifts to all those to whom you used to just add your name onto the card. Christmas is different as an adult, there's no doubt about that, but I think that those differences just add to the excitement and newness of adulthood!

Ok, enough of that babble. I don't have much else to write about this afternoon and I think the frigid temperatures of this office are causing my brain fluids to freeze. Therefore, I will have to bid you adieu and write more at another time!

Haul out the Holly,

Tempa

Fotolog

2005-12-16T18:08:00.000-05:00

Greetings, friends.

Well, I know it has been a while since my last blog (only a week?? I guess that's not that long) but I fear I have no time to write tonight. I am preparing my house for the arrival of a few friends in a few hours. A girl's gotta make her home presentable, ya know :)

BUT... I did want to let you all in on a new venture of mine. In the past year or so, I have really started to love photography. Granted, other than the "point and shoot" method, I know absolutely nothing about taking photos... but I'd like to think the small bit of artistry running through my blood will lead me to something good once and a while. So... I've started a Fotolog (aka: picture blog;)). Check me out! I'm web savvy!

http://www.fotolog.com/vodkatempini/

Anyway, feel free to leave your opinions and thoughts. I'd love some feedback. Otherwise... happy 9 days before Christmas!

G*night friends,
tempa

Thoughts on a Winters night

2005-12-11T00:35:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

Tonight, I come to you in front of an unusually bright computer screen on an unusually warm winters night. I sit confused and contradicted by all I think I know. It's pretty amazing, whenever I think I have it all figured out, life goes and throws me for a loop. Whenever I think I am on the right track... I am ripped away, strapped into another chair, and "while keeping my arms and legs inside the cart at all times" I am sent whirling and twirling on the ride we call life. I'm not really worried, however, about my sudden lack of confidence in the path my life has taken. I just seem to be experiencing what I like to call a "human moment". One of those moments in life that our mortal doubting nature overshadows the omnipotence of the Lord. It happens to the best of us.. Heck, it happens to the worst of us... And it just so happens that it is happening to me tonight. I'm sure it doesn't help that I have worked a total of 73 hours in the past week and I'm about to be greeted by the lovely "lady of the month", thanks to the X's and Y's from my parents that made me into a woman.

It's a strange phenomena, this "lady of the month". She rolls in twelve times a year, makes herself comfortable for 3-5 days bringing with her a cloak of over-emotional sappiness and short-tempered hostility, all the while causing a stir that even the hostess can not figure out. I gotta be honest with you, I don't remember always being like this. My ability to be affected by this unpleasant, yet necessary, monthly visitor seems to have gotten worse in the last couple years. To be honest, I can't remember a time where I even noticed a change in my overall demeanor. I used to think I was immune to everything. I'm not allergic to anything, I never puked, I never cried, I never had cramps, I rarely got a cold. Whatever it was... it certainly couldn't take me down. But, in the last year alone, I've thrown up twice, gotten bronchitis, had two of the world's worst colds and, to top that off, it seems I am somehow getting far more papercuts at work than I ever remember before. Now, 3 or 4 days before the courses of nature assure me that I am in fact not carrying a human life in my uterus... I find myself getting angry at my TiVo and crying crocodile tears along with the Jessica Simpson Christmas album. The weirdest thing to me is that I am 100% aware of the whole thing. Bizzaro-world!! It's either like being a six year old or like being on drugs. I mean, I know the TiVo didn't forget to tape Oprah on purpose, but I still have the undeniable urge to propel it, with great force, though the picture window in my living room! Sure, it's weird and uncharacteristic, but above all else... it's just annoying. I turn into this crazy irritable cry-fest of a woman... the very type of woman that I despise, in fact. Anyway... annoying!

I guess it could be that I had some time away from work (works, I guess) last week and this week seemed unbearably long in comparison. Don't get me wrong, days off are good, but they tend to lend me far too much time to think about what needs to be done. Then I have to go back to work the next day in this half-relaxed half-wishing-I-had-another-day-off-to-finish-all-the-things-I-thought-off haze. Nobody likes an at-work haze. Nobody.

It's just crazy this season. Being the girl that I was created to be, I am trying to do everything at once. I'm juggling two jobs (one of which I don't really need, but just got to make myself feel like less of a lazyass douchebag), attempting to keep a clean home, starting to write my Christmas cards, making crafty gifts for friends, finding time to complete my daily devotionals, and all the while trying my hardest to get in at least six hours of sleep each night only to attack the next day like a hungry mountain lion. I can't say it's not a blessing to be exhausted from doing too much, though. I mean, I have two jobs when others don't have any. I have a home to clean and friends to celebrate the upcoming holidays with. I have the freedom to devote my time to Christ and a warm bed to retire to every evening. I just wish... in addition to all that is great in my life right now... I had just a few extra hours at my leisure.

Oh sweet mystery of time. How do I loathe thee?

Goodnight, friends.
TEH

My name is Tempa and I'm an...

2005-12-01T01:07:00.000-05:00

Internet Addict.

It's true. I am addicted...Stay up till 2, butt marks in the computer chair, watery eyes addicted... to the internet.

Here's my story... Growing up, it was never hard for me to make friends. Not to toot my own proverbial horn, but I'm a pretty personable gal and relating to people has never been something I struggle with. Whether it was a group of popular girls discussing the newest Clinique fragrance or a group of library geeks comparing Star Wars sequels, I could usually form some sort of opinion on the subject and jump right in the conversation. Movies, Music, Sports... I could chat with the best of them. Granted, I never knew much about sports, but I could at least make a joke about how crappy the Bears were doing, make a few people laugh and *poof*... I'm in. Making connections, interacting with people, being friendly... it's just always been natural for me. Now, this natural ability didn't make me Prom Queen or crown me Miss Popularity by any means, but I don't remember having many enemies during a time where making enemies came easy.

Fast forward 7 years or so and now, not only do we have to make friends in the real world, but making friends on the internet seems to be the thing to do. I must admit, the idea of meeting people on the Internet still seems weird to me. Somehow, between watching those abnormally cheesy E*harmony commercials and receiving an abundance of "Meet me at Hot or Not" spam emails, I have been duped into connecting with friends via the world wide web. It was about a year ago that I joined my very first online friend database... Friendster.com. Long ago (back in 2004!), Friendster was the be-all-end-all of internet friend cafe's. Now, it seems to be more like the corner table of Denny's at 11:30pm on a Friday. I couldn't be seen there, so I hopped on the bandwagon and rode it all the way to Facebook.. not forgetting, however, to make a quick stop at MySpace... and I have been on that computerized train ever since. I can't stop. I spend hours (or at least a substantial amount of minutes) sifting through people's profiles, checking out their interests, and trying my best to remember names from my 4th grade gifted and talented program. People I haven't seen for years...people I haven't thought of for years...Instantaneously appear on the screen before me and my life is somehow improved.

Don't get me wrong... I know full well that the sole purpose of websites like these is not to reconnect with friends of yore, but really to have an opportunity to show those friends how great your life has turned out to be. The first thing that one is required to do when they join these sites is come up with a profile. This gives you the opportunity to tell the world what you've done with yourself. The subject line looms over the rest of the profile box taunting "About Me..." and in order to fill said profile box, one must suddenly become charming, creative, successful, and develop a fairly keen sense of humor. I've filled in the margins of many an "about me" box and each time I feel like I must be more creative and far more original than the time before. When in reality, if all those who try so hard to fill those boxes with something witty were truly looking for friends, than they would realize that no one gives a crap what they write in the box. You could write something like "I like to smell other people's farts and sleeping in football mascot costumes makes me horny"... it really wouldn't matter. Spending so much time on these websites has given me the profound ability to become fluent in "Netspeak". Let me show you what I mean...

What "About me..." says:
Hey there! I am kind of new to this site, but I thought I'd give it a whirl. I'm a 24 year old, college-educated, young professional. I like painting, writing, playing guitar and anything that requires creativity. I can handle my own out on the town, but a quiet night with popcorn and the couch is just as enjoyable. I work a lot, but try and keep up with health and fitness. Hit me up if you want to talk. Let's see what happens...

What "About me..." means:
Hi. I am 26 years old, work guest service at Kohl's, and have very few friends. I check my e-mail approximately once every ten minutes and spend an unbelievable amount of time on Friendster, Facebook, and MySpace. I really don't do much as far as hobbies and interests go, but I know what the cool people do so I'll just put that. I usually go out about once a month, with the exception of the time I spend at the local Starbucks while I wait for my grandma to finish her workout at Curves. This picture is from some other website, or maybe a magazine. I posted it because I don't want you to know that I actually resemble a Troll Doll circa 1994.

Needless to say, the "About Me..." box can never be trusted. (Except mine... you can totally trust mine!)

The other boxes include some assortment of favorite movies, music, books, and/or TV shows. There is usually some theme between these all, too. "Sisterhood of theTravelingg Pants-Kelly Clarkson", "Josh Groban-Oprah", "Third Day-Three Wishes". You can usually sense what kind of person you're reading about by the movie/music/book/tv show connection.

So, making your profile is an arduous process... but the people that you decide to include as your friends is also a pretty big decision. Aside from including everyone you remember from both your high school and college graduating classes, you have the opportunity to add an endless amount of people to your friends list. You don't want to have too many uglies, unless of course you are, in fact, an ugly. Than you'd want more uglies to make yourself less..well...ugly. Beyond that, if your friend list is filled with half naked men or women, people will think you're a netskank (I made that up, it's not a real thing... but it's catchy, no?). If you have a bunch of names with no pictures, people will assume they are made up names that you have added to make yourself seem far less lonely than you may be in reality. People you've never met will write you messages to the effect of "Hey you. Cool Pic. Let's chat..." Seems a bit forward, don't you think? Walking down University Avenue, I'd be a bit shocked by someone approaching me with "Hey there. Sweet Kicks. Wanna do lunch?" It's just weird.

The idea of the internet friendship database is such a foreign concept for me. But, much like chopsticks and Shakira, it's a foreign concept that I can't get enough of!

G*night friends,
Tempa

Doug and my thoughts on change

2005-11-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

As usual, I come to the keyboard with a lot on my mind. I worked tonight at the coffeeshop. It was a slow night, which allowed me quite a bit of time to contemplate, and possibly create, the lives of those spending their Sunday night in the Borders cafe. There was one man I was particularly drawn to. He was tall, pushing forty, well-dressed, with hair like the men in L.L. Bean catalogues... dark, but a tinge of grey right around the temples. I've named him Doug... although I doubt that was his given name. Doug's drink of choice was a large decaf americano and he spent three hours reading a book called "GOING TO PLAN B : How You Can Cope, Regroup, and Start Your Life on a New Path." Watching Doug sip his americano and read this strange life-changing book, made me wonder about him. What was he coping with? What was Plan A? And more importantly, was he happy? Was he happy with needing a plan B? I wondered if he had left his previous path because he hated it or because it hated him. Was he ready for this change?

The bittersweet sensation of change has been present in my life more than ever this past year. I remember packing the cars in Cleveland and driving the 12 hours through the dirty, February snow to the Twin Cities. The cities I have grown to love. Without that change, I would have never experienced the joy and wisdom given to me by so many people over the age of 85, and I would have never been able to see so many perfectly painted sunsets cast their orange glow over the Minnesota horizon. The fact of the matter still lies in knowing that if I had been born here, I would have left here and gone elsewhere. The fact of the matter is that everyone has to change. It's the way we were created. We changed from babies into children, from teens into young adults. I will (hopefully) change into a wife, a mother, and a mentor. Everything we were, we are no longer. And everything we will be... we will soon be no more. I can't imagine the world with only winter, or living in eternal autumn. Much like the seasons, we constantly change... I think we have to, to keep living life. The best way I have come to view this need for change is likening life to a book. Only in the good ones do the characters end up different than they started.

Sometimes, I wonder if I missed a step somewhere. If I let go of a friend too soon or overlooked a possible love interest. I wonder if I took this job without thinking it through or found this apartment before surveying all my options. I wonder if I skipped a page in this book of life... but then I realize that life cannot be read on a flat page. It has to be lived. We have to fall in love too many times for our own good. We have to laugh at our own shortcomings. We have to pack up cars and drive through snow and move to Minnesota. Some of us, even have to spend a Sunday night or two in the Borders coffeeshop reading books about how to start over.

This whole life thing... be it a book, or a movie, or an epic poem... is meant to be lived. It is meant to be carried out in a million different settings with billions of beautifully intriguing characters, and believe it or not... it is fleeting. Soon, our credits will roll and those who knew us will mourn over the memories of how we once were all the while shaken by the fact that we will never again be. Eventually, there will be far more pages before the bookmark than those left to read and we will approach the epilogue of our lives with much anticipation. Not only the expectation of a better place, but the anticipation of a wonderful place left behind. We will approach this ending with the knowledge and hope that it will speak of a live well-lived, it will speak volumes of something beautiful.

So... It is nearing 2AM and I fear I will render myself incapable of life if I stay awake for much longer. My point of this blog entry gone tangent is that I encourage you to live. I encourage you to love, to laugh, to learn, to leave, and come home again. I wish for you an abundance of change. God has created this life for us.... for you... and it would be a shame not to take full advantage of all that entails. This book of life is ours to be read, ours to be lived... even if your living turns your temples grey and forces you to cope, regroup and start from Plan B.

Goodnight, friends. Live Well.

~Tempa

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T23:31:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

This is the second annual Thanksgiving edition of "A Day in the Life...". It's hard to believe I've been keeping up with this internet journal for more than a year now. I was reading the post from Thanksgiving 2004, and was a bit surprised that most of it still rings true today. Granted, only a year has gone by... but it was a big year and one full of change. However, I still don't love Turkey Day... I still look forward to the day I am able to start new family traditions with a family of my own... and I still want to make a list of the things I am thankful for on this special day.

Minnesota Sunrises
Imagination of a child
Wisdom of the elderly
Creativity
Swingsets
Harmony
Acoustic music
Yellow Roses
Praying for someone
Morning coffee
Giving gifts
Meaningful Conversation
The cold side of the pillow
Silent laugher
Candle Light
Nervous butterflies
Hearing "I love you"
Chilly mornings
Thunder Storms
Saying "I love you"
Hooded sweatshirts
Hearing my cell phone ring
Learning something new
Pay Day
Singing in the shower
Lazy weekends

That list could go on and on, but I fear that I am falling asleep at the keyboard. I, unfortunately, have to work at both of my jobs tomorrow and feel I need to get a bit of sleep before starting the day. Luckily, this weekend is shaping up to be one of the aforementioned "Lazy Weekends" and the thought of that will get me through the 14 hour day tomorrow.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I will write more soon. Maybe something better than this list ;)

G*night,
tempa

Mind Jumble

2005-11-14T23:41:00.000-05:00

Hi friends,

I have quite a bit on my mind tonight and, to be honest, I'm not sure where to start. I want to talk about 'Laguna Beach' and how, although I am hooked on it, I am starting to question the show's honesty. I want to talk about the upcoming Holiday season and how I plan on surviving yet another Yuletide under the mistletoe alone. I could talk for hours about how the three to six inches of snow that we are predicted to get this evening makes me want to fall asleep in some emotional paradox of anticipation and disgust. I want to sing the praises of Tristan Prettyman and Jason Mraz... my two favorite musical artists that just so happen to be a very cute little couple in the real world. I want to talk about facebook and how, although I am 23 years old, the damn things seems to control my life! I want to talk about my song writing and my lack there of, my strange affinity for all things World War II, and the upcoming release of Carrie Underwood's debut album. But, I can't seem to find the words or the time to talk about any of these things.

Having two jobs is wearing me down pretty quickly and I'm finding I have less and less time to process my life as it happens around me. Which... on account of the fact that I am who I am... kind of bums me out. I am prone to analyzing and processing my life far more than necessary and although I realize the extent of my analytical nature does me more harm than good at times... processing my life is kind of what makes my life a good one. It allows me to put things in perspective a little better, keeps me a little more grounded...and I like that. It's kind of what makes me... me.

Lately, however, I haven't been able to do that. For two weeks now, I've been pulled between work at the nursing home and work at the bookstore. I don't want to complain about this because a) I chose to get a second job and b) tons of people have two (or more) jobs and get along just fine. BUT, the whole pulling double duty thing is still very new to me and I haven't quite figured out how to manage everything else along side it all. I have no doubt that skill will come with time... but meanwhile, I am going to need to find a way to keep being who I am and not slip into the cliched tired, angry, overworked slave monkey who only responds to passive-aggressiveness and chocolate. So... I will spend my days with the elderly, my nights grinding espresso beans and, as the evening hours pass into the cold calm of Minnesota winter nights, I'll come home to process it all.

Keep on keepin' on~
Tempa

A plea for the lonely...

2005-11-13T02:36:00.000-05:00

It was only my third night of working behind the counter at Cafe Espresso. I'm not a big coffee drinker, so learning all the special names for the highly-caffeinated beverages makes me nervous. I was studying the drink sheet as you approached the counter with the empty water pitcher. Silly me... so worried about the Latte's that I forgot about the water. I apologized, you told me not to be sorry and went back to the books. You were studying something... for grad school, I assume. Perhaps, however, you are younger than I took you for. I'm not always the best at guessing ages. Time passes. You, and your piercing brown eyes, approach the counter again in your casual yet somehow extremely attractive sweatpants. I feared I had forgotten something else, but you just wanted a hot chocolate. Your second of the night. I'm glad you didn't get anything fancy...to be honest, you kind of made me nervous...in the giddy-school-girl kind of way. As the closing announcements were made, you packed your things, gave me a half smile and walked out the doors before I had the chance to say something clever like "Have a good night" or "Thank You".

So... to the brown-eyed, sweatpant wearing, hot chocolate drinking, studier, I don't know who you are, where you came from, if you're attached, or if you'd even like a girl like me... but I do know I'd like you to come back sometime.

Till then,

Tempa

Simple complexity

2005-11-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

As the lingering hours of the weekend slowly pass into just another Monday, I find myself blindsided by how infinitely large the world is and how small I seem in comparison. I realize that within the last year and a half of sending my thoughts into this electronic void I may have already mentioned my affinity for thinking of things on a larger scale than most. I can't see an old run-down house beside the highway without wondering what it must have been like living there years ago before the highway existed. I can't stand anywhere near those giant motorized windmills without feeling like I have somehow been reduced to miniscule proportions. I am moved by pictures of the "good ol' days" and can't seem to look at them without imagining what went on after the photograph was taken. I have always been intrigued by the fact that someone...somewhere... could quite possibly be doing the exact same thing as I am and neither of us would have any knowledge of the other. My point to all this is that I often look at simple things through a very large lens. So large, in fact, that it makes some things very difficult for me to grasp.

Every Thursday evening, I attend a young adult bible study. We are currently discussing the book of Genesis and this past week, more specifically, the story of Noah and his Ark. Within the discussion, we were told the exact dimensions of this gargantuan wooden vessel. A football field and a half long, 2 inches wider than a standard church sanctuary, and 17 stories tall. That, my weblog friends, is just about the craziest thing I have ever heard. In further discussion someone mentioned that, back in the 70's, scientists thought they had found the ark resting between two mountains over in eastern Europe somewhere. Can you imagine what that must have been like? Flying overhead, looking down expecting to see snow covered mountain tops, but instead seeing a petrified wooden boat that wouldn't fit inside the Metrodome. As I attempt to get my seemingly tiny mind around the extent of what it must have been like to discover a boat of, literally, Biblical proportions... I am only more flabbergasted (that's right... intense times call for intense words) by the fact that it was that mass of petrified wood that saved Noah and his family so many years ago AND on top of all that... it was all meticulously orchestrated by the same Lord that orchestrates my life.

That is when you lose me. That is when the immensity of this world and the intricacy of the God who created it become far too much for my feeble, yet college-educated, mind to comprehend. And that is when I am blindsided by the simple complexity of how little I am in comparison to how enormous life is around me.

Dream big-
Live bigger-
Tempa.

Dabbling in all things artistic...

2005-11-02T12:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings, from my apartment on a wednesday afternoon. Yes, that's right. I have the day off. As Jason Mraz says... "La La la la la la la, life is Wonderful!' What better to do on a Wednesday afternoon away from work than update a blog.

So, everyone who knows me knows I'm at least a little creative. I write songs, get excited about doing all things craft relatated, and technically creativity is a huge part of my chosen profession. I like doing everything artistic.... writing, photography, guitar, piano, painting...but I'm not really exceptionally taleneted with any of them. I can take an artsy picture, I can write a meaningful lyric here and there... but as much as I like dabbling in all things artistic... I really wish I was exceptionally good at just one of them. Like Emily Dickinson or Edgar Degas. I wish I could write a song like Sara Groves and have it mean something to someone. I wish I could play a sonata like Chopin and have someone be moved. I do take a certain amount of pride in the fact that I at least am semi-talented in a few areas, but I just wish I could excel in just one of them.

Anyway... those are just my thoughts for the day. I'm going ot leave you with a few poems I have written over the years (mostly in the last few) and a few pictures I have taken recently. If you're into poetry, or creativity in general, let me know what you think. I'd love some input!

BREATHE
Inhale
the laughter
the unfailing love
The little moments of each day.
Exhale.
the lonliness
the apathy
the complex of inferiority
Inhale.
the sunsets.
the autumn air.
the new beginnings.
Exhale.
the empty words.
the lost meanings.
the false promises
Inhale.
the music
the poignant lyrics and soft melodies
The songs that take you back where you started
Exhale
the songs that play where you are today.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Breathe.
-2004

IN A GIRL
She has blonde hair
I don’t.
I could never pull it off
and it would just be out of control anyway.
They love her hair
and her straight teeth.
and her blue eyes.
It’s what they always wanted,
In a girl.
Everyday she looks to the mirror
to make sure she is beautiful.
Everyday she makes sure they notice.
They notice.
She’s all they ever wanted
In a girl.
I carry a journal
Not because it's popular
That's just what I do.
She carries Clinique,
Revlon,
Aveda..
I eagerly talk of love,
music,
faith,
and other things they seemingly dismiss.
I make them laugh.
She can make them cry.
If she were like me
Her mirror wouldn’t recognize her;
Neither would they.
Because she’s all they ever wanted,
In a girl.
-2005

Random thoughts before Halloween...

2005-10-29T23:05:00.000-04:00

Hi there,

It's been a while since my last post. Hard to believe I've had this blog for a year and a half already. I don't think I've stuck with anything for a year and a half!! Speaking of movies that sucked... I saw 'Prime' last night. I had high hopes for that one. Uma, Meryl, ridiculously hot guy from TV shows, funny premise, good punch lines...Etc. All the makings for a pretty good romantic comedy... Until you get to the crappily thought out, un-specific, drop-off ending that renders you motionless in the wake of the disappointing cinematic finale you've just witnessed. It's one of those movies in which you watch the last 5 minutes with every hope that you will see the romantic leads living in a three bedroom bungalow in the burps, or at the very least see the romantic leads living completely separate lives after an over-dramatic, yet somehow identifiable, break-up scene... But instead you are forced to watch the romantic leads see each other from afar in some hazy, undefined "two years later" kind of deal as the Coltrane fades in and the credits roll. By the time 'Best Boy Grip' ascends up the screen, you're paralyzed in your reclining theater seat in awe of how you TOTALLY just wasted nine dollars. Needless to say... Don't bother with that one.

Moving on... Have you ever had one of those days that turn out to be completely meaningless? Aside from the whole needing to follow in the consecutive order of days thing... Today, for me, was void of all meaning. I woke up at 11, cleaned my house, watched Halloween movies on the ABC Family Channel, and that brings me to where I am now. Sitting at the computer, watching Saturday Night Live and feeling the need to update the old blog. You'd think I'd be doing something interesting and fun on the Saturday night before a major national holiday, but..alas... that is not the case. It's hard to believe that it was only two short years ago that 6 roommates and I were gallivanting around in our 80's gear rocking out to Firehouse's 'Love of a Lifetime' and singing along to Extreme's "More than words." To top that... it was only 15 short years ago that my best friend across the street and I were dressed in our 80's gear rocking out to Debbie Gibson's 'Lost in Your Eyes' and singing along with the New Kid's on the Block "Cover Girl." My how time flies when you're having fun.

But honestly...to quote a classic DMB song... Life is short but sweet for certain. A friend and I were discussing trick-or-treating and how kids these days choose to do their Halloween routes in shopping malls instead of taking it to the streets. To those of us born in the 1980's and prior that is a completely foreign idea. When this friend mentioned the fact that we were trick-or-treating fifteen-plus years ago... it blew my mind. I remember donning the costumes of Miss Piggy at the age of 6 and some sort of un-named vampire zombie at 11. Those Halloweens, and the ones in between, seem like just yesterday. It's hard to believe I am now in my own place preparing to hand out candy to the Miss Piggy's and un-named vampire zombies of today. SIDEBAR: You'd better believe that I'm giving out the good stuff. None of that crap from the five-pound variety bags they sell at Sam's club.

Anyway, it's crazy how quickly life can pass us by if we don't pay attention. If we don't stay in the moment... the moment has passed and we end up missing the next moment because we were bummed about missing the last one. It's a vicious cycle of moment missing and no one wants to live their life like that. I guess what my long-over-due point here is... Be Present. It sounds super cliche, but we were graciously given the gift of life AND the ability to live it. It would be foolish to take that for granted. Life is too much of a blessing to miss, don't you think?

Ok... SNL has ended and I am ready to hit the sack. Tonight is the night we gain an hour of sleep... But I won't get started on daylight-saving time... that's another bloc for another time :)

G*night friends,

Tempa Elizabeth

What a difference a year makes...

2005-10-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

Thoughts from my journal on 9/06/04...

You knew how I felt, but liked how I made you feel more.
We were selfish and liked it that way.
You challenged me, pushed me pass my boundaries.
I challenged you, made you into someone you wanted to be.
You felt something, I knew you well enough to know.
I thought it was my time, the start of something real.
I loved the way you believed in me, but hated your doubt in us.
I wasn't smart enough. You were afraid.
I wasn't quiet enough. You were intimidated.
I wasn't pretty enough. You were concerned with you.
Somehow, I just wasn't enough.
My confidence weakened as yours grew strong and I was left at the bottom.
I was left insecure, confused, and more alone than when I started.
I stayed there, thinking you would come pick me up.
Much like I did for you so many times before.
As I stayed broken, you found something better.
I was replaceable. I was replaced.
Nothing has hurt me like that before.
Nothing has hurt me like that since.
I hope you never hurt like that.

The title of this entry says it all. What a different a year makes. It blows my mind that I still felt that much. I can't believe I still devoted that much of myself towards that chapter of my life only one year ago. The fact that I now rarely think about that situation and even, at times, consider it a positive time of change tells me a lot about the power of prayer. Can I get an AMEN!!

On a completely different note... I'd just like to go on record saying that the 340 million dollar Powerball jackpot is just ridiculous! What in the holy frijoles would one person do with 340 million dollars. No one needs that kind of money. Ever. HOWEVER... that will not stop me from spending 4 laundry quarters on a ticket at the local Super America! :)

Goodnight friends,
Temp

Reality Bites...

2005-10-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

I know I've just recently updated this blog, but I've got more to say. The fact that there are constant thoughts racing around my head like the Indie 500 is both a blessing and a burden. I guess it just depends on whether or not you like to read this blog ;)

This afternoon, I was flipping through channels while lazily laying on the couch and came across the movie "Reality Bites". Now, if you were born anytime before 1990, you have heard and more than likely seen the coming of age generation X flick starring the infamous Winona Ryder. Although I do enjoy the soundtrack to that movie, while watching this afternoon I realized that somehow their documentary-making, sexuality-questioning, musing-philosophical life isn't really my reality... biting or otherwise. While their posteducation reality consisted of waiting for the results of AIDS tests and choosing between two very different love interests... my post education reality consists of singing with the elderly and choosing between coffee or green tea every morning. While chuckling at the horrible mid-90's stereotypes of the characters, I thought a bit about the differences in realities... mine and those of the people in the film. The biggest difference, aside from location and lifestyle of course, is perception. I think that one's perception of reality has a lot to do with how we interpret and react to reality.

I was watching a made for TV movie the other day (Yes, I realize that this entry makes it seem like I watch far too much television. Yes, I realize that is true) starring Tom Cavanaugh (the actor who played 'Ed'). The characters in this movie set up a psychological experiment where they dressed a woman up in typical homeless garb (dirty teeth, ratty clothes, shopping cart full of cans..etc) and had her approach people on the street. Only instead of asking for money she was asking if she could give money away. The people on the street still avoided her and turned her down saying they didn't have any cash on them. A prime example of how our perception is far more real at times than reality itself.

I think that idea can be directly applied to our 20-something lives. This is a weird time... a great time... but a weird time. 20-somethings across the world have finished school, found their calling, and set sail into adulthood. Upon our maiden voyage we have two options... we can embrace where life has taken us or we can yearn to be somewhere else. If we choose the first option, we see our reality in a positive way. Our life is now and we live it with positive perception. If we choose the latter, the perception of our lives would be incredibly different. We would spend the duration of our current lives wishing we were somewhere we are not. We would spend our 'now' waiting for our 'later' to start and that reality would, in fact, bite.

Alright, I think I have worn-out my welcome here tonight. Besides, it is nearing 12:30AM and I am fairly sick of hearing the "1-800-LUV-CHAT" commercials in the background. Someone should tell whomever writes the scripts for those after-hours commercials that I have no intention of calling for a good time, even if there are "tons of live, hot girls in my area".

Goodnight moon,
Tempa

A fool in love

2005-10-15T22:34:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

There are many solid truths in this world. The sky is blue. Commercials are annoying, and everyone loves Love. If we don't love love itself, we certainly love the idea of love. The thought of the breath-taking princess atop the stairs or the handsome prince on a white steed. The notion of being carried away by romantic passion is one of the most common storylines of today's film and literature. It feels good to be swept up in a rush of love, to be knocked off your feet by total and utter euphoria. Flowers smell sweeter. Food tastes better. Our walks somehow morph into a skip-like spring. Life is different.

Now, I hate to get all scientific and psychological on you, but those kind of reactions to a new relationship are the result of many chemical processes deep within the brain and those very reactions have a profound impact on other aspects of our lives. In fact love, much like other primary emotions (fear, anger..etc) can easily overwhelm us and cloud our judgment. How many times in my life have I done something completely irrational and impulsive on account of "love"? How many times in my life have I said something ridiculously absurd and then said it was the "love" talking? The answer to both questions is FAR to many. I think the key to knowing when this love we speak of so often is the real thing... is when we fall in love, but keep our smarts. Granted, there should always be some element of romantic tom-foolery; some sort of inane behavior done in the name of love... but this behavior should never compromise our good judgment.

Anyway, I'm not sure what made me think of that. I'm not currently a fool in love and I don't really have any friends at this current time that are foolishly loving anyone. I guess I just thought of it and wanted to write it down. Sue me :)

As for now... I think I will retire to my bedroom and get some much needed rest. It has been a busy week! In the last seven days I've been involved in 2 weddings, done 4 loads of laundry, put in 4 eight hour days at work AND applied to 3 part-time jobs. Needless to say, I'm tired.

Sleep is good,
tempa

humanity vs. humans

2005-10-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

I have just returned home from a wonderful weekend of celebration. Congratulations to Katie and Kyle Nelson! The Newlyweds!! I took one extra day off of work and I find myself wanting to update this blog with an entry that may have some actual thought-provoking intelligence behind it. There's been something I've been realizing lately, and I'd like to share my thoughts on the subject with all of you. So... without further ado...

Being in the city, and working in a human services type job has really given me a new perspective on life and what I appreciate about what life entails. If that makes any sense. I have slowly but surely come to realize that I have a love and a deep appreciation for humanity. So many times during the day I am nearly moved to tears by something that is beautifully human at it's core. An elderly couple holding hands during a WWII love song, a child giggling at her father's silly faces, the Vietnamese janitor working 14-hour days and and still cracking jokes to make the day brighter for others. I am touched by humanity, by the inherent good in people. Now, I know a lot of people would argue the fact that humans are inherently good... there is, of course, evidence to the contrary. War, violence, fear..these things have been around forever. But at the same time, ordinary people have been helping and serving and loving others since creation itself. It is that inherent humanitarianism that touches my heart and makes me want to do what I do for a living.

With that said, let me point out a concrete fact. Humanity and HUMANS are very, very different. As a whole, I am a people person. I love getting to know others; hearing about their backgrounds, learning their stories. I have a passion for people, but I often get thrown off by those who do not treat others in the same way. You know the people I am talking about... the guy who is awkwardly rude to the checker at the grocery store for no apparent reason, the woman who violently storms out of Hallmark when they don't accept her American Greetings coupons... those people. On a large scale, people are wonderful, mysterious beings, full of life and love, created for a purpose. However, seemingly, on a small scale, people are annoying, rude, short-tempered, self-centered idiots. Now, that's not to say I don't have my fair share of "bad days". Believe me, I do. I'm sure I've acted on the impulse of a short fuse once or twice in my twenty-three years of existence. I just wonder what about these select few (the man at the grocery, the woman at Hallmark...etc) make life so unhappy. What could possibly be so bad and how, in the light of giggling children and romantic grandparents, can you still be so angry?

Anyway, I think I've had a few too many encounters with that guy at the grocery store and it's just been on my mind. Now, I'm off to watch the rest of Dr. Phil and maybe take a nap to the audio wallpaper of the Serendipity DVD I (finally!) found at Blockbuster.

Hope your days are well,
Tempa

1:36AM

2005-10-05T01:36:00.000-04:00

Very rarely do I type an entry into this blog that has absolutely no bearing on life (mine or otherwise), however tonight seems to be a different story. Here I sit, at 1:30 AM on the eve of the eve of my best friend's wedding and I can't sleep a wink. I'm not sure if it's the excitement that is keeping me awake, or if it's the fact that I had 6 cups of coffee between the hours of 5 and 10 PM. I'm guessing the latter. Regardless, I am awake. I am cold, I am bored... and I am awake.

What does one do when they are cold, bored and awake?? Well, One starts with closing the window. I'll get right on that...

Alright, now that just leaves me with bored and awake. It's funny because sleep would cure both of those woes... however the lack there of is what got me in front of this abnormally bright computer screen in the first place. Damn you irony!

I feel bad for people that are up at this time on a nightly basis. There's really nothing to do. I thought for sure there would be at least one made-for-TV movie starring Joely Fisher on one of the girly channels, but I got nothing! I can't even find a teen saga starring Tracy Gold and those are as common as gay men at Starbucks. (Shout out to my man Scottie P!!) All I can find is various paid programming, Making the band 3 or Cheaters. If that's all I got, I might as well just chew off my own arm or something because, at this point, that seems like my most enjoyable option.

Oh well.

So what's the deal with the world these days?? First there was Katrina, then Rita, then the chicken flu and all this flooding up in the northern midwest. Now, only to add to the madness, Tom and Katie are pregnant and Jessica and Nick are breaking up! I'm sure all of that is mentioned in the Bible somewhere! "My children will recognize the last days when thy Newlyweds shall part and the cherub from the creek whilst carry a child for a loon." I'm pretty sure I read that in Revelation or something.

Seriously Katie, Tom Cruise?? He's sooooo 1992 AND incredibly short... neither of which are compliments. I didn't take you for "that girl", Ms. Holmes. You're not Hollywood.. you're from Toledo!! Snap out of it!!

Alright... we are nearing 2:15am and I am nearing the end of this coffee-triggered tightrope I am currently walking. I fear I will say something I regret if I keep typing willy-nilly. Yes, that's right. Willy-Nilly. I said it. Deal with it.

Plus, I have to drive a few hundred miles in the morning followed by a whirlwind wedding weekend (say that 10 times fast!), so I should at least try to get some sleep. And honestly, now that Jessica and Nick hopped on board the express train to Splitsville... nothing is really worth staying awake for :)

Goodnight friends, I'll be thought-provoking again soon enough.
Tempa

What Men need to know about Women

2005-10-03T22:31:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,
I thought I would come to the keyboard tonight with something very intellectual to talk about, but as I sit and type I am slowly realizing that may not be the case. However, I do have something rather important to say. Over the past few days, I have listened to many a male friend talk (and by talk I mean complain) about how they don't understand women. I realize that we can be a complicated breed, but if you'd just pay attention it wouldn't be that hard!! Because I am all about helping people out, I thought I would write this blog for the boys. Here are a few things you need to know about us girls. Now, this is by no means a complete list and every woman is, of course, different than the one before... but this list should give you a good understanding of where we are so often coming from. So guys... put down your I-pods and Xbox controllers for just one second and pay attention!!

Women are not as independent as you are.
Let's be honest, you love the mystery of the rugged woodsman. The 'Malboro Man', although outdated, intrigues you. Sure, it's cliche, but it's true... you can't help but envy the tough-minded, lone cowboy who reports to nobody as he freely rides about the range. However, women, for the most part couldn't give a horse's hoo-hah about reveling in their independence. Granted, we enjoy the idea of the self-sufficient, do-it-yourself, don't-need-nobody kind of woman, but when that idea manifests itself into reality, it's a little frightening. Just as we are threatened by a challenge to our independence (aka: You, hinting at the fact that we can't do something), so are women threatened by a rupture in their relationships (aka: You, hinting at the fact you'd like some 'alone time'). What I'm saying is don't expect women to fully accept your "need for space." Don't expect us to romanticize your independence because your independence ultimately means our lack of relationship and that, boys, is far from romantic. Instead, do yourself (and your relationship) a favor...bite the bullet and let them know you value the relationship even when you feel the need to "ride the range".

Women focus on the here-and-now more than you do.
Now, that is not entirely true when it comes to planning for our fairy tale wedding with our fairy tale prince. We start that by age five, at least. BUT while you guys are scheming plans and solving complex budget problems in order to plan for a better tomorrow, we are more than likely asking ourselves, "What's going on right now and how do I feel about it?" As women, we focus on current feelings and current experiences because those are what make us feel emotionally connected to one another. Although we do think towards the future when it comes to our personal lives (albeit those thoughts are usually less than realistic), we are more than likely thinking about how we are affected by what is happening right now. The bottom line is that if you want to get down to solving problems for the future with the women in your life, you must first take the time to explore her feelings about the present. Seemingly foolish, I know... but necessary.

Women are not as competitive as you are.
Growing up, boys played games in large groups and those games had an extreme emphasis on winning. Competition, might as well be your middle name. Little girls, however, played together in small, intimate groups, with an emphasis on cooperation and friendship. Our middle names would be something like "harmony" or "togetherness". More often than not those same emphases follows both genders into adulthood. As men, you still want to prove your point, keep score, and win the debate (even if no one else knew they were debating) while women are more likely to sacrifice their own superiority to keep the peace. Women, more often than not, will bow out gracefully if it will avoid any type of confrontation. It's not that one mode is necessarily better than the other; they both definitely have their strengths and weaknesses. But, you should know this... although some women find that competitive spirit a bit attractive at times, it should not be a dominant character trait. Too much competition can easily make a woman (anyone for that matter) feel insuperior and that is never a good feeling. Again... a bottom line... if you want to build a healthy relationship you have to honor our cooperative nature. Pick your battles and realize that not everything is a Win or Lose kinda thing.

Lastly...
All we really want is to be loved.
I realize that sounds so cliche and borderline ridiculous, but even if we don't admit to it or put up a concrete facade to the contrary... it is very, very true. We can act as if being alone is fine... we can pretend that we are completely content with our romantic comedies and our low-fat vanilla latte's, but that is just not the case. Companionship, in it's purest form, is what we all seek. We want a dozen roses delivered to work, just because it's Monday. We want pointless messages on our voice mail beginning with "It's me" and ending with "I love you". We want night's out to be just as special as night's in. In reality, the only thing that you guys need to know about us is that, above all else, we want to love and be loved. And, now that I think about it, that's not all that different from you.

Slumber calls,
Tempa

Autumn at last...

2005-09-27T00:22:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

Today was one of those perfect autumn days. The kind of days that occur far more frequently on the pages of a book or in one's memory than in actuality. Those are the days that I, as I'm sure you know by now, adore the most. It was nearly painful for me to be inside at work all day, although I'm not all too certain what I would have done had I been let loose. Most of the leaves are still firmly attached to the trees here in the Twin Cities and, although they are slowly turning their beautiful shades of crimson and gold, the piles on the ground are far too small for frolicking. There's something about the autumn that makes me smile. I realize that it is quite odd... that a mere season could produce a physical reaction within me, but it's the truth. There's something about combining cool air with warm colors that I will always love.

I was hoping to approach the computer tonight with something intelligent or inspiring to write about, but I fear I have nothing of the sort. What I do have, however, is a headache and I think the best remedy for that is the cold side of the pillow.

Goodnight friends.
Until next time,
Tempa

Comedy at it's finest....or something

2005-09-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

Hey Hey! It's been a while since we've last talked... and by "we've last talked"... I mean I've talked and you've listened. But, in my defense, I do have a good excuse. Between work, my best friend's upcoming nuptials, all the new fall activities starting up, AND somehow contracting bronchitis... I've been swamped. But... luckily (or unfortunately, however you want to look at it) for you... I have found just enough time to type out a small, yet meaningful, blog entry tonight before my weary head hits the cold pillow that awaits me in my bedroom.

Tonight, I went downtown with a friend to the comedy club. Now, for those of you who know me... you know that I love to make people laugh and more than that, I love to laugh myself. So, a Saturday night with friends at a comedy club is pretty much perfect. Add in a cold glass of raspberry iced tea and a tall, dark, and handsome man who happens to call me his lady and you've got yourself my personal utopia. But I digress...While watching Paul F. Tomkins (of 'Best Week Ever' fame) do his stand up routine, I thought to myself "Self, that must be an AWESOME job!" Just standing up (no pun intended) and talking while making people laugh so hard they very nearly wet themselves. I would LOVE that. This comedy club has an amateur night every Monday and I am kind of considering trying that out. Granted, I would go see a few first, but I think I'd do Ok. People laugh at what I say. My whole life people have told me I was funny and although the smart-ass's usually follow that quasi-compliment with "yeah, funny looking", I can still make them laugh. I know exactly what my bits would be about to. Let me outline them for you...

I would definitely gear most of my stand up act to people in my peer group. Those 35 and up need not attend. First, I would talk about all the different kinds of drunks one encounters during the college years. You know... the "flirtatious touchers" who start a conversation in a chair across the room and somehow end up with their hand on your leg while playing with your hair. Or there's "Mr. Philosophical"... who, while intoxicated, is able to speak eloquently about any and every topic. The one who is dumb as a rock and sleeps during class, but, due to a few too many bottles of Rolling Rock, is somehow able to have in depth opinions about politics and religion. Then... the worst of them all... there is the "close talker". The reasons I hate this drunk are two-fold. A-This person more than likely has silently sat behind you in Biology 201 for the last 5 months, but only NOW finds it necessary to start up a conversation....B- She finds the need to have this incredibly pointless conversation while placing her mouth at a maximum of 2 inches from your inner ear canal causing one whole side of your newly washed hair to inevitably reek of Budweiser. Damn, that close talker!!
I would also have some joke about how my generation watched FAR too much television as children; telling the story about how my sophomore year roommate and I had a 45 minute conversation ONLY using quotes from various episodes of 'Full House' as a prime example. Somehow, after that ridiculous (but sooo true!) story, I would transition into how we had some crazy messed up toys as kids. I mean, think about it. The toys we held most dear are CREEPY as hell when you look at what they really were. Teddy Ruxpin- a small, fur-covered, plasticy teddy bear in which cassette tapes would be inserted into his belly in order for his mouth to move and tell a story. Basically... a forest themed version of Chucky. Also... the "Glow-worm"... whose dumbass idea was it to give their kid a giant slug dressed as Rip Van Winkle that lights up when you hug it. That is creepy. And, of course, Popples. Look Johnny, my soccer ball turns into a small creature with devil eyes and a horse tail! What did you get for Christmas?!?
I'd somehow transition that into talking about computers and talk about the idea of different fonts. Like.. the whole reason there are fonts in the 1st place is to attempt to convey emotions and attitudes through your writing. That is all well and good, but what if we talked in "fonts". I would, of course, pick some of the most known and funny fonts to convert into words and probably make myself laugh faaaaaaaaar harder than anyone who may be listening.

Ok... well, that's pretty much my stand up routine in a nut-shell. I realize it is much funnier in my head, but at least I know I'd be laughing. Now that that took much longer than I thought it would, that weary head I mentioned earlier is much wearier and that cold pillow that awaits me is currently the perfect temperature. Maybe when I get there I'll dream about that tall, dark and handsome who happens to call me his lady :)

Goodnight all,
Tempa

50 things you didn't know about me...

2005-09-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

Three days in a row!! I think I'm going for some sort of blogging record here! Ok, I thought it was about time for another list... we all know how I love lists :) Without further ado.... 50 things you didn't (or maybe did) know about me....

1. I have lived in 6 different states
2. I'm not good with money
3. I'm in love with the idea of love
4. I like to write
5. I don't like my handwriting
6. I taught myself how to play the guitar
7. I get annoyed when people have the victim mentality
8. I am very afraid of fog, heights and insects with stingers
9. I am really interested in the holocaust
10. I drive at least 10 over the speed limit
11. I don't always shower everyday
12. I sing in the car... no matter what
13. I don't do my laundry until I have nothing left to wear
14. They say that you are drawn to people of the same "attractiveness" level. My best friends have always been very attractive.
15. I don't believe what 'they say'.
16. I don't fear death
17. I have never seen the Sound of Music in it's entirety
19. I could spend all day in the scrapbook store
20. I don't always know how to carry out good ideas.
21. I am right handed
22. I'm 'right-brained'
23. I don't like being the "funny one"
24. I use too many commas
25. I watch TLC far too much
26. I love the smell of coffee
27. I want 3 kids... 2 boys and 1 girl
28. I think Jason Mraz is the second best male musician in the world
29. Second only to Harry Connick, Jr.
30. My room is very very messy right now
31. My favorite colors are chocolate brown and pink
32. I suck at all sports, even bocci ball.
33. I'm 5' 8 1/2"
34. I like straightening my hair, but it takes to long
35. Celebrity Gossip is my vice
36. I've never been in love, but he has and sometimes that makes me angry
37. I am awed by medical mysteries (autism, alzheimer's...etc)
38. I would fill my house with fall scented candles if I could afford it
39. My parents used to call me "peachfuzz"
40. I like to vacuum
41. I wish I was far more artsy than I am
42. I like thunderstorms
43. I have never been to the movies by myself
44. I buy new gym shoes every 6 months
45. I played Dungeons and Dragons one time in high school
46. I am not yet OK with the fact that I may never be married
47. I think Chili's has the best Chicken Fingers
48. At Starbucks, I always order a "grande iced caramel mocha with no whip"
49. I work with the elderly, but wish I worked with children
50. I have been to Europe 3 times, but have never been west of Iowa

Here's to that,
Temp

Katrina, Growing up, and Gospel

2005-09-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

Good evening friends,

First of all... Yes, I did just blog yesterday evening, but when a girls got things to say... she's gonna say them!! Second of all, may this be your warning that I am typing this tonight in a very 'television off-melancholy music on' kind of mood and we all know what that can do to a blog! Read on, my friends, but exercise caution... for I do not know what awaits us...

After watching the relief concert and a few news reels of the happenings down south... my tear-laden eyes have had about enough. I am ridden with an odd combination of helplessness and guilt. I watch the footage of people being rescued from broken attic windows and nomads walking the once populated highways. I want to do what I can to help those people... people who are inevitably exactly like me in some way or another... but I convince myself that I am barely scraping by. Ironically, I somehow find enough to support my ever increasing media habits (3 for $20 DVD's from Blockbuster are hardly "scraping by") and don't think twice before programming my TiVo to record every episode of Big Brother 6 just in case I have to go out when it airs. I, along with many of us, am pretty hypocritical when it comes to giving of what we have earned... or in my case... giving of what we have been given. I'm not really a fan of celebrities who use their status as a platform, but at least they are doing something...at least most of them (Kanye! Quit it with the victim mentality and start doing something about the problem!). They are donating their money, they are speaking out, they are giving of their time and some are giving even of themselves. You don't need a summer blockbuster or a chart-topping album to do the same. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm gonna help, at least I'm going to try, and I think if we all did the same something amazing could take place.

Ok, moving on to something else that has been on my mind. No, smartass, not being single. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being an adult, a full-fledged "grown up". Growing up is hard, yet everyday we seem to do it a little more. Every discovery, every mistake, every triumph, they tell us how to be older. They, in so many ways, tell us so many times across the span of our childhood that, suddenly, we wake up one morning and that childhood is gone and all we are left with is our confused adult self. It's funny how when we were kids the world was a tough place. Some bully at recess stole the teatherball court or your mom didn't get you a cookie at the grocery store. Small problems for small people. Sure there were tougher times for all of us- braces, divorces, broken bones, friends move away...etc. But here, in Adultville, there's still all of that. The difference is we understand it now. We know why our parents fought and why our best friend had to move Philadelphiahia and we are content in knowing. There are car payments, rent payments, break-ups, make-ups, credit card bills...the list goes on... and our little kid-selves now have to go out and confront it all, head on.

This is terrifying, really.

I mean, I was always up for a good adventure, but by adventure I never meant trying to find a second job or sorting out relationship problems. I meant going to the creek and catching tadpoles with my toes while snaking on Chocolate Dunkeroo's. No offense or anything, but whoever invented this whole 'growing up' thing sure should have thought it all out first :) Oh well... such is life.

Ok, the last thing I want to talk about tonight is music. Not the melancholy-filled acoustic riffs I am treating myself to this evening...I want to talk about gospel music. Down-home, southern comfort gospel! There is something so soulful about it. 'Give me Jesus' sung in the thick, sorrowful voices of gospel artists can honestly bring me to my knees. It's gorgeous in it's roughness. Gospel music, to me, is beautiful tragedy wrapped up in black and white keys and smooth bass. It's the kind of music that you find yourself experiencing. You do more than just listen, you feel it and it's that kind of music that moves me. It makes me want to pick up a guitar and do all I can to make something even remotely as inspired.

In fact... that's what I will do. Moods like the one I am in now can not go to waste.

Blessings, my friends.
Tempa

Autumn

2005-09-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

There has always been something romantic about autumn. I thought, at first, it was the newness of it all. A new school year. A new climate. A new start to something that once was. I realize now, as time passes, that it is not the newness, but the sadness of it all that draws me in. There is an element of despondency when summer finally gives up her fight. Maybe it's the way the leaves slowly change from green to red or how we can smell, in the air, the departure of warmth. Nature changes with the seasons, but I think it is in this change- between summer and fall- that we are changed as well. Children leave behind their summer frolic for the anticipation of the upcoming academic year. The warm scent of pumpkin spice (possibly coming from the many autumn scented candles already inhabiting my one bedroom apartment) can bring together a family apart, and lovers are drawn to one another in the chill of the evening air. Even the coldest of hearts can be warmed by the approaching autumn. It's ability to change not only leaves but hearts is part of it's splendor. I am changed by the autumn and somehow, in it's sadnesss, it brings me joy.

In this season of burning leaves and high school football, I wish for you the same joy that is brought to me. I wish for you the joy of a brand new American Eagle hoodie, the peace of watching the small tree outside your window slowly turn from green, to yellow, to a vibrant orange and the hope in knowing that those leaves will be green once again.

Happy Harvest~
Tempa

Treasures...

2005-08-27T22:19:00.000-04:00

Good evening friends,

One of my favorite verses in Scripture is Matthew 6:19-21. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth... but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I constantly find myself staring blankly at an unlined page of my journal wishing I could somehow relate that verse to my life and transfer it onto the page in some poetic fusion of melody and lyrics. (NOTE TO SELF: 'Poetic Fusion' would be a pretty great title for an album.) I take the verse to heart on a daily basis (repeating Matthew 6:19-21 in my head has proven very helpful while perusing the taunting aisles of the local Target store!), but can't seem to put it into song. For one who pretty much puts EVERYTHING into song (including memories of 7th grade keyboarding class and the Oregon Trail)... this has become rather frustrating.

SO, to put a slight dent in my frustration... I have decided that it's time for yet another list! A list of my "treasures", if you will. By no means is this a complete list, but it's what I could come up with at 10:31 on a Saturday night while eating a partially cooked calorie-infested pot-pie and watching reruns of SNL. Feel free to add on in the comments section :)

Honesty
Childhood innocence
Imagination
Harmony
Prayer
Conversation
Joy
Peace
The destination
Laughter
Hearing "I love you"
Saying "I love you"
Learning something new
Reminiscing
Comfort
Adoration
Worship
The journey
Rest

Speaking of Rest... that's where I'm off to. I hope this entry finds you well.
Blessings,
Tempa

Poli-what?

2005-08-23T18:18:00.000-04:00

Hi there,

Now, I realize that me talking about politics is pretty much as likely as hell freezing over, but you better call up Lucifer and let him know to break out the parka cause it's about to get a little chilly down there!

What is the deal with Pat Robertson?! I'll admit, TV evangelists kinda creep me out and I have never watched more than 5 minutes of the 700 Club, but this guy has got to be kidding!

"...I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it..."

WHAT??? What kind of messed up minister would not only condone, but suggest murder as a viable option. I am disgusted to think that impressionable people...not even just young people, people in general... watch and hear things like that only to transfer that ridiculously hypocritical, seemingly "Holier than thou" attitude onto Christians as a whole. As a minister, you are called to uphold the word of God. You are called to bring forth the truth and any minister or anyone at all for that matter who condones the murder of another human being is not reading the same truths as the rest of us. Unless, of course, the rest of us are interpreting "Thou shalt not kill" to mean something very different than what the Creator had intended. (Note: Sarcasm)

It's true, I dont know much about the specifics of what Mr. Robertson said yesterday and I don't really know anything about the specifics of what exactly he was talking about... but I do know that his antics, well, they pretty much sucked. And I hope that readers of this blog and others realize that his opinions do not reflect the opinions of Christians as a whole, nor do they do justice to the absolute truth of the Lord.

That's all from me.
In the immortal words of Cher Horowitz...I'm Outie~
Tempa :)

More of the same...

2005-08-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

I had a good friend of mine ask me last night where I have been hiding. He was a little worried about me. It seems I haven't 'blogged' in quite some time... well... at least it's been a while in comparison to how often I usually cast my thoughts into the endless electronic abyss. No need to worry, friends, I am alive and well. Just busy. Today, however, as I am confined to eight hours in the admissions office of the nursing home that employs me, I thought I would write a little of what I have been thinking of lately. Shocked?? I thought not.
I realize that the majority of my entries are about faith, love, or the lack there of and this entry will be no different. Sorry to all my male readers... and by "all my male readers", I mean Christian.

Ok, my thoughts...
Speaking from personal experience, I know that most single women hyperventilate or break out into hives when it comes to something like buying tires or killing the far-too-large multi-legged insect on the ceiling. Single women like to go out on the town, but not if they will be going out on the town with not-so-single women and their counterparts. If we choose the "safe bet" and stay home alone to watch TV, even that is no escape. On any given night, on any given channel, popular television will have more sexual innuendo than any one person needs to indulge in, in an entire lifetime (let alone half an hour!) Let's face it...couples are in, and singleness is out. It's that way in 2005 and it's been that way since the Garden. Adam was blessed with Eve because our Creator knew that it was not good for man to be alone. Unfortunately, my rib-providing man appears to be nowhere on the horizon.

Coping with singleness is pretty much an everyday thing. You simply have to take it one day at a time. You learn to deal with the situation at hand and go on with your lives... still waiting for "the one." There are times when you're doing great. Thankful that you aren't spending every weekend with your nose in the 3-inch thick Martha Stewart wedding planner portfolio and very aware that you can sleep till noon on Saturdays if you want. It is only when you're riding high on the singles wave when that wedding invitation from a "friend" arrives in the mail. You know what I'm talking about! The "friend" you knew would never get married. Now, they are not only getting married, but they are getting married before you even start dating! Mixed with disappointment, resentment, anger, and yes, I'll admit it, jealousy, you trudge to the local Walgreens to find a card to represent your "elation" (translationon: joy covered hatred). In your own selfish pain, you actually buy the mushiest card available because you still hold tight to the knowledge that your prince or princess will soon be arriving on the scene. You go to the ceremony (alone, mind you) and deep down you really are happy for your friend. Granted, a little sad that it isn't you, but you know that once you find your mate, your match, your "one"... you'll be fine. For every Jill there is a Jack. For every Santa there is a Mrs. Claus. A friend of mine often states that her "Mr. Right" is obviously lost and won't stop for directions. I'm working under the assumption that mine is with hers. Anyway... after the surprisinglyly nice reception, you revise your "They'll never beat me down the aisle" list and confidently forge the road ahead. It is upon the realization that you are sitting in your living room (with your one cat that will no doubt soon multiply into 20) living out the stereotypical old-maid role you never intended to play, that you slip into the deppressing, self-loathing role of Adult Single. Reality Check!

Herein lies the problem... while nearly all singles have bought into the idea that a spouse would complete them, no man or woman on earth can fulfill all our needs and desires. Now I know we know that in our minds, but try explaining that to me when there is a far-too-large multi-legged insect on my ceiling. Although the truth of the "God-shaped hole" seems to permeate my life, I still get caught up in the worldy message of "Coupled and Complete". Foolish Foolish me. Here's the thing, there are so many opportunities to utilize in this season of life. The season of singlenessss, that is. I let most, if not all, of those opportunities fall through the cracks because, quite honestly, my pity party gets in the way. I have the "gift" (*slight eye roll*) of singleness, but that doesn't lessen the pain of too many lonely days and longing for a shoulder to rest upon in the quiet hours of a dark night. Sometimes, it seems we have been alone forever. We are desperate for someone to love and to love us back. At times, I find myself relating to the concept of "Well, they aren't so bad." But I want more for my life... and shouldn't we all?

It comes down to the fact that we have to truly want to experience God's best for us and choose to strive for nothing less. I know it's not easy. Actually, I know it's downright hard. But, I also know that His best for us is not dating the "not so bad". It is not us reading less-than-uplifting romance novels or mindlessly watching TV dramas, wishing the fantasy world that appears before us will soon be ours. I think the key is to choose...this minute...to catch the vision of what our purpose really is. Being single can, of course, be hard, depressing, and even extremely unpleasant at times, but if we step away from the "woe is me" mentality, there are so many incredible blessings and opportunities to explore. We have to learn to truly recognize the glass as half full. I've discovered that while finding my "happily ever after" is important to me, it really is not the primary reason for my existence.

So... for those just stepping out into adulthood alone, open your hearts and your minds to embrace Christ through it all. Because what I have learned is that the gift of singleness is in fact a gift. It's the love that surrounds us but so often gets displaced by our fast paced lives and images of grandeur. Although singleness appears to be a cross to bear, we all are daily called to pick up our cross and follow Christ. The comfort in this is that the Lord promises that His yoke is easy. He promises His burden is light. So, when singleness becomes too heavy to bear. Stop. Lay it down. Give it up.

I'm not saying this will relieve you of all feelings of lonliness, or take away for good the longing for companionship, but the days may suddenly seem far less lonely and the nights less dark. And...somehow...that 8-legged monster on the ceiling is not so difficult to squash.

Blessings,
Tempa

2005-08-05T22:52:00.000-04:00

Hi there friends,

It's the weekend! Can I get an AMEN!!! I don't have anything deep or insightful to speak of tonight, but I did yank these questions off of a blog I stumbled across the other day. I liked them. To whomevers blog that was... Thanks for the thoughts. To those of you who may answer these questions... you're welcome :)

What are the 3 stupidest things you've ever done in your life?
1. Freshman year "Drinking Phase"
2. Got out of my (2-door) car to let someone out of the back seat w/out putting it in park.
3. 10-27-03 and intentionally not responding to what I know I was being directed to do.

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
-Currently, I'd say it is myself. Maybe that sounds a bit selfish or prideful or whatever, but it's true. Granted, Christ always has the MOST influence in my life, being that I try to make all my decisions according to His will... but I am still the one making said decisions... so yeah... it's me. I have the most influence in my life. :)

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?
- For a conversation filled, intellectual kind of dinner I would choose Anne Frank, W.A. Mozart, Abe Lincoln, Job (from the Bible) and... assuming this time machine can go both to the past AND the future... some distant relative of mine who grew up hearing stories of her crazy great great grandma Tempa and has always wished she had known me in person.

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
1. To be financially stable without having to worry about it
2. To not have to work so hard at getting to the point of looking physically how I feel mentally
3. To have a higher reading comprehension ability

5. Someone is visiting your town. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.
- Um... I recently moved to the cities, so I can't really answer this. I'm not too sure what things we do and don't have. PLUS... I'm fairly certain you can find just about anything you're looking for. ALTHOUGH... you should definitely avoid the Mall of America on the weekends and Cedar Avenue at rush hour.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.
- Adulthood.

That's all from me, folks. Feel free to leave your answers as comments on this entry. I would love to get a sample of your thoughts for a change...

Love in an Elevator~
Tempa
(that song has been in my head ALL DAY!)

My protection

2005-08-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

Good evening friends,

OK, lately I have been a little reflective. Shocked?? Me either. I have been thinking about how God woos us, wins us, loves us and keeps us for Himself. I can't even count how many times...Who am I kidding, yes I can. It's 3. Three times...God has worked on my heart by breaking it. It seems I just can't learn any other way. Actually... with 3 times and counting... maybe I'm not really learning this way either ;) I will be the first to admit to you that I am a romantic. A Soft-hearted, warm blooded Romantic. There's no shame in that... but it often causes me to attempt to fill the emptiness in my life with the wrong things. In one...or three... particular instances, that "wrong thing" came in the form of a man -- the wrong man. Not to dig up everything from my past... but the whole situation was very much like Dawson and Joey on Dawson's Creek.

Katie Holmes (now of Tom cruise fame) plays Joey, the good, angst ridden girl next door, and James VanDerBeek plays Dawson, the puppy-dog eyed teen from down the creek. Friends since childhood, it only makes sense that they are together. Knowing about each other's awkward days, knowing the deepest insights into each other... Joey and Dawson found happiness in letting their relationship progress to the next level. From friends to Romance in only 1 season! My story involves a boy who was close to the Lord, he met with older men for spiritual council and was a leader in the local student ministry. That, on top of the fact that we had been best friends for years, made the relationship progression incredibly natural. The friendship progressed, but I didn't think to talk about it. I just let it happen without seeing if our thoughts on the situation were mutual. When we kissed the first time, I was overwhelmed. Was this really happening? He was so good-looking. I truly knew him and I knew that he truly knew me. Plus, he was so good looking (did I say that already?) . At the tough, but tender age of 17... he awakened something in me. I felt more alive somehow. I felt loved and that was amazing. We were "involved" for a drama-filled two years before I finally wised up to his not-so-faithful heart. Throughout it all, I pursued him far more than he pursued me and although he somehow made me feel like I was the only girl he was kissing in his conversion van... I knew deep down he didn't truly love me. I knew he didn't love me, but there was a part of me that could not fathom that as much as I felt for him, he did not feel the same way too.

In retrospect I absolutely know now that this man's lack of love (and that of the two similar cases in the years following) was God's protection. These men, although kind hearted and seemingly the answer, weren't God's choice for me. Yet God -- as He always does -- has used time and truth to continue to heal the wreckage. In lyrics to a song I wrote as a high school senior about the above mentioned suitor, I say "you stole my fragile heart and dropped it on the floor/I picked up the pieces, dusted them off and gave them to you for more". My God as taken inventory of each one of those pieces and continues to form and mold my heart. Although I understand that breaking my heart has been God's way of protecting it, reflecting upon these chapters of my life does bring me some amount of sadness. I would be liar if I told you any differently, but, for me anyway, beyond that sadness is just more love. Love that is continually restored due to the love of my Creator.

Ok. So my point was not to rehash old heartaches or to creep you out by relating my life to that of 35-yea-old actors from a late 90's TV drama. My point was to let you know that you are not alone in the hope for romantic intimacy. You are not the only one who gets a little creeped out when the people you wrongly labeled as "unmarriable" walk down the aisle. You are not alone in picturing yourself in front of the white picket fence surrounded by your loving family (much like the opening credits to "Growing Pains") and then realizing you live in a 1 bedroom apartment with your cat. Basically, you are not the only one waiting. HOWEVER... while we're waiting... it is my hope that we not ignore the way God has protected and shaped our lives. It is my prayer that we recognize that we are placed here with purpose (1 Corinthians 7:17, Psalm 138:8, Proverbs 19:21...etc...) even if "here" isn't where we thought we would be.

Goodnight,
tempa

Gimmie that Old Time Religion...

2005-07-30T01:18:00.000-04:00

Hello there,

The reason why I entitled this blog 'gimmie that old time religion' is two-fold. A) It is the title of a hit gospel tune from quite awhile ago and B) after just returning home from seeing the new romantic comedy "Must Love Dogs" (sidebar: It's cute. I'd recommend it), I've realized that things just aren't like they used to be.... and I really wish they were.

Things... and I'm talking about the important things... are just different these days. Religion is different. Love is different. Movies are different. Music is different...the list goes on. As I sat in the theater tonight it dawned on me. Things have changed and even though I wasn't really around for 'things' prior to the change... I wish they had stayed the same. I don't know if many of you are familiar with the works of John Cusak, but I love him. I loved him in High Fidelity, loved him more in Serendipity and tonight my love for Mr. Cusak was topped off with Must love Dogs. One of the main reasons I am drawn to his movies (besides of course his distinguished yet childish good looks and unbelievably dry humor) is because he seems to choose movies that are honest. Really true-to-life movies. Movies about love or lack there of. Movies with wit and joy that manage to touch the heart without even trying. A wash in a sea of sex-filled 'made for teen' movies and Japanese horror remakes, these kind of movies, Cusak or not, are rare. I haven't seen many of the good old black and whites like Casablanca or It's a Wonderful Life, but I have a feeling that those are just honest movies, too.
That's the same with today's music. Where did all the truth go?? I often find myself listening to the smooth voice of Harry Connick, Jr. and, although, I assume some of my affections towards the handsome crooner come from the fact that my father is also a fan, I can't help but think his songs are as honest as a good Cusak movie. Granted, in a way, maybe today's music IS honest but because society changed so much the truth changed with it. In fifty years, instead of classics like "Days of wine and roses" or "Let me call you Sweetheart" we'll have classics like "She thinks my tractor's sexy" and "Drop it like it's hot". I'm not looking forward to that! Maybe my thoughts tonight come from spending most of my time with the elderly. Eight hours a day around folks no younger than 70 can make a girl yearn for the 'good old days' (even if her good ol' days were in 1996). I just really wish life was like that still. I'm sure they had their fair share of hangups back when love was choosing "your song" on the jukebox and religion was more prevalent than Christmas Eve and Easter, but I can't help but wonder if I have a heart that would have beat a little faster back in the day.

Oh well, I'm living my life now and loving it... and until someone invents a time machine to take me back to 1943, I'll have to settle for Connick and Cusak. Quite frankly... I'll take them ;)

Peace, Love, and the Good Old Days~
Tempa

Fear... who needs it.

2005-07-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

I have just returned from an eventful wedding weekend in Iowa. A good friend got himself a wifey this weekend and it was a joy to share in that experience. Like I said in a previous blog entry, however, his wedding was a bittersweet reminder that I am no where NEAR a wedding of my own. As I sat in the creaking wooden pew of a Catholic church this weekend, my realizations were two-fold.
1) Catholic weddings are far longer than need be
2) Being single, I find myself fearful of many things

In this life, we all have certain fears. As toddlers, we are afraid of the dark and the lack of training wheels. We get older and those fears fade into new fears... things like thunderstorms, snakes, and spiders. Life keeps trudging forward and we find ourselves fearing things like the unknown after graduation or leaving the comfort of our own home. Now, I find myself facing not only the life-long fear of fog (don't ask... just read), but also some fears I credit to being single. These fears are not knee-knocking, palm-sweating, tear-jerking fears like some others may be, but instead they usually persist as a faint churning in the pit of my stomach. I'm afraid of always being "that girl" in a crowd of couples. I'm afraid of missed opportunities and blown chances. I'm afraid of receiving yet another "Tempa and Guest" invitation and having to reply with a 1 on the Number Attending line. I'm afraid of doing my taxes, paying a mortgage, and planning my retirement by myself. I'm afraid of close friends moving on after they have found "the one", leaving me alone...again. In a sentence, although I am a bit ashamed to admit it, I'm afraid I'll never get married. Go ahead and mock me, if you wish, but I know you've all feared the same thing at some point.

On the long drive home from the reception, I found myself in a conversation about fear. Granted, this was more along the lines of haunted-house-spirits-from-the-other-side kind of fear, but it relates. As we were spooking ourselves out along highway 380, a friend reminded me of the message of the Bible. The message that perfect love drives out fear. (1st John 4:18) Since the fall in the Garden, fear has had the tendency to overtake our minds and leave us motionless. As one of Satans key weapons, fear threatens to destroy contentment. The message of the Bible, however, is that our hope and faith in Jesus drives out all fear. At times, I find it difficult for me to see the happiness of others and remain confident that a similar source of contentment will also come my way. It is easy to witness the union of friends and let your mind wander. You start at joy, then envy, then self-pity, then fear. It is only through Christ that fear is driven out and we remain, no matter how lengthy the wedding, at joy.

Goodnight,
Tempa

Green grass grows all around...

2005-07-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

Hello again,

I feel as if we just spoke, yet I am filled to the brim with things to speak about again. I know I have mentioned it before, but I like to write to you as if we were already in the middle of a conversation. It is somehow comforting knowing that we can pick up from where we left off. Thanks for that.

We have all heard the classic "...grass is always greener..." cliche, but rarely do I take the meaning of that overused phrase to heart. Nine times out of ten my grass, in my opinion, is the greenest... or at least no less green than the grasses of those around me. Tonight, however, I struggle to keep up that confidence. Tonight, I am finding it hard to sustain the "I love my own grass" mentality. This sudden dip in self-confidence is brought about by many different aspects of my life. I am continuously awe-struck by the residents that I serve at work, but I can't help but envy those of my friends who spend the school years with children and the summers with a good book and a Mai-Tai. Although I grow wiser with each passing day working with the elderly.... I can't help but think there are pearls of childhood wisdom that I am daily missing out on. It is that lack of wisdom combined with my next confidence-dwindling fact that causes my well-manicured lawn to appear a bit on the brown side. This weekend is the wedding of a dear friend of mine...a dear friend, mind you, that I have quite a history with. Don't get me wrong... that specific chapter of my life has been closed for a while, but at a time like this, I can't help but open it back up and give it a good once over before promptly closing it once again. Now, in realizing I should invest in some sort of padlock for said chapter, I have come to terms with the fact that this will be interesting event to say the least. I am extremely happy for this friend of mine, but his upcoming nuptials are yet another reminder that the only thing upcoming in my life is the thick line of vanilla scented smoke billowing from the candle I just blew out. Bebo Norman said it best in his lyrics "Today I woke up early, Today I woke up sad. It's funny how it hurts me this love I've never had." I talk often of the joys of being 23 and single, but when people you love (or loved...*ahem*...) are finding the joys of being 23 and married... it's pretty difficult to muster up the strength to keep watering that lawn.

Confidence is a crazy game. I've always been a confident girl. Even as a child I would make friends, break hearts, and dominate on the Teatherball court. It is now, in the real world, that I find confidence to be the hardest to gain and easiest to lose. My challenge for you, for me... for all of us... is to continue to maintain our grass. No matter what the neighbors lawn may look like or how brown ours may seem... with a little drop of confidence...the Grass can only get greener.

Blessings,
Tempa

Happiness...

2005-07-17T22:51:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

We've all heard it before... "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". The famous quote from our founding fathers contains three of the most coveted freedoms in this life. But if we are being honest (which I hope we are)... we really care the most about the last one. After more than two centuries of 'pursuing happiness', shouldn't we have found it by now? We ought to be the happiest people in the word, but instead, as a whole, we are perhaps the most wealthy, most educated, unhappiest people on the planet. I've come to realize that may be because the above mentioned pursuit can be like chasing a greased pig, which, by the way... I've never actually done. The slimy porkers dash about promising the end result of happiness. Television, being the 'reality' that it is, tells us that the right toothpaste, the right gym shoes, and the right bottled water are the be-all-end-all to happiness. Of course we, being far smarter than that, know that if we can just find the right job, the right friends, and that special someone then we'll be happy. But, alas, we won't. Here's how I see it... the problem with the pursuit of happiness is that, much like the greased pig, the goal seemingly keeps moving. Today happiness may be found in those new baby blue Adidas, but tomorrow we may find it in the yellow jeep wrangler passing us to the left. Regardless of where we think we may find this elusive happiness, we've got the pursuit all wrong. We continue to chase fulfillment and satisfaction in places they will never be found. The baby blue Adidas may make my size 9 1/2 feet look like 7's, and that Jeep Wrangler may have been my dream car since the early age of 12.... but I'm not going to find my happiness there. Nor will I find it once I have the "Hilton lifestyle", or my own coffee shop, or the 'tall, dark and handsome' that has been in my dreams since before the Jeep. I know it may sound ridiculously cliche.... true happiness is found in the Lord. My pursuit ends with Christ. And, although don't really know a darn thing about our forefathers, I do know that in Christ we find life, liberty, and best of all... happiness.

The way I see it is that the endless pursuit of happiness will truly be endless until we place our hope in something greater than ourselves. In order to be lifted from the empty hole we have dug ourselves with our lofty dreams of grandeur, we must recognize the need for faith... the need for a Savior. And only in that recognition, only in that need, are we able catch ourselves on heck of a greased pig!!

In His Grip,
Tempa

Childhood Ambition

2005-07-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

I realize that many of my recent blogs have been about my life and the path I may or may not be taking. I also realize that the probability of you caring about the pathways of my life are slim to none. But I will continue to write about them because, afterall, what are blogs for if not to voice certain toughts and frustrations about the pathways of ones life :)

Tonight, I find myself remembering the innocence of childhood ambition. Let's be honest, I am only 23 years old and by no means does being 23 justify spats of contemplative reminiscence, but sometimes I just can't help myself. This afternoon I found myself sitting at my desk, completing necessary Medicare paperwork and I realized that necessary Medicare paperwork isn't something that I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Then what, I asked myself, DO I want to be doing for the rest of my life? I can honestly say, at this point, that I have no idea. But... I can also say that I am 100% OK with that. In talking about my future plans, I couldn't help but think about what I thought I wanted to be as a child.

If you had asked me 'what do you want to be when you grow up' at the platinum blonde age of 4, I would have answered in a resounding "JEM!!". But if you traveled a bit past the Barbie and the Rockers days, I would have supplied you with answers such as Nancy Drew, Debbie Gibson, Oprah...etc. Up until the age of 12, I would have given you bigger-than-life answers to a real-to-life question. What ever happened to that little-kid passion for achieving the impossible?? When did little boys stop putting their underwear on the outside and towels around their necks, acting as the hero from their favorite comic? When did little girls stop donning old fashioned jewelry and stepping into their mother's old heels, acting as the princess from their bedtime stories? When, in our lives, do we stop wishing for impossible goals and start aiming for realistic targets? As children, we dream of a bigger-than-life existence, but somewhere between three and twenty-three.... we lose our gusto. We loose our "oomph" to keep shooting for the proverbial stars. Why, as adults, do we give up so easily on the bigger-than-life??

Tonight, I wish for you that your childhood dreams are reawakened. In short, don't forget about the "barbie and the rocker days" and the inner-Superman in all of us will surface (although I'd leave the underoo's on the inside).

Goodnight,
Tempa

Simple Plan...

2005-07-05T22:48:00.000-04:00

For those of who thought I would be talking about the band, Sorry to disappoint you... I'm not. I'm talking about my life.

I would say that I am a fairly average woman. Nothing to write home to mom about (unless of course you're my mom and then you'll expect some letters). Those who know me, know I'm not super intelligent. I'm pretty logical, but my book smarts isn't at hot-shot caliber. I am not a terribly complex person nor do I have a one-track mind. I'm pretty sarcastic when I want to be, but deep and insightful to those whom I trust. I can sing along to the radio and talk on the phone while driving... but only to a certain extent. I am not very ambitious or a particularly high achiever. I consider myself fairly crafty, but only to prevent utter and complete boredom. NOTE: It does not take much to bore me. I am not exceptionally beautiful. Pretty enough for my guy friends to consider dating me, yet not pretty enough to keep them from moving on when someone prettier catches their eye. Overall, I'd like to think I am a fairly simple person. A simple woman who wants simple things.

HOWEVER... I'd be a simple liar if I didn't admit to you that I have quite a few not-so-simple desires. I'd like to work in a place where I feel I can grow, but not have to start at the bottom. I'd like to have a job that pays well enough to support my rather impulsive lifestyle. To be doing something that I love and still be paid well enough for movies, starbucks, random shopping outings and the monthly rent of an apartment that is free of ant infestations. I want a 'You've Got Mail' style walk-up brownstone with wooden floors and red brick walls. I want to be better at song-writing. I want to write songs that mean something... not just to me, but to the people that hear them. Songs that seemingly connect me with people that would have otherwise remained unknown. I want to own a coffee shop, somewhere I can befriend the neighborhood patrons and have open-mic nights every Friday. Own a place where people are free to create and perform whatever they are feeling while others sit back and experience while sipping on their large decaf mochas and raspberry iced teas. I want a simple husband. Who doesn't mind if I want to sleep in on Saturdays. A man who helps with the dishes, who sings out loud at church, and who thinks I'm funnier than I do. A simple man with a simple faith who finds my unexceptional beauty rather exceptional.

So yes... I'll admit it. I am a simple woman with not-so-simple ideals for my life. I guess... in theory, that makes me some sort of walking oxymoron...but in reality, that makes me who I am. The dichotomy of it all, though it seems outrageous, is yet another thing that makes me fairly average.

For now, I am going to take my fairly average self and head to bed. I have the day off tomorrow and I plan to clean up my apartment in hopes to rid myself of the previously mentioned ant infestation. (Don't be jealous) It's hard to believe it's already Wednesday, not to mention already July 5th. Where does the time go?? :)

Goodnight friends,
tempa

5/28/04

2005-06-30T21:47:00.000-04:00

From my journal on 5/28/04~

Dear Someone,

It's a Friday evening, and I have just arrived home from driving around. It's interesting how in the last four days I have graduated college, moved away from 7 great roommates, and taken up residence in the Eastern Time Zone. My how life changes. I'm gonna be honest... I can't help but wonder if we are going to meet here in Ohio. A small part of me is hoping and expecting that maybe in this place, at this time...

I miss you. Mostly in the quiet moments amidst the usual daily routine. How can it be that I need you and yet get along fine alone; that I long for your presence yet find myself complete without you. How is it that I hope to have my world so unexplainably changed by your being made real, yet I am overwhelmed with the unpredictability of everyday life. I don't get it. I wouldn't change it... but I don't get it. Perhaps when we first meet, I will feel right away that I have been given a gift. This amazing gift that only exists between you and I. I hope I recognize you... not in a "love at first sight" kind of way...but something deeper. Something real.

Maybe you're not in Ohio. Maybe you don't really exist at all. Regardless, I am praying for you and... if it's possible... I'm loving you already.
Love, Me

Well... I guess May 27, 2004 must have been "one of those days" :)

thoughts on being single...

2005-06-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

It's funny...6 days out of 7, I don't even think about the fact that I am single. But if you catch me on that one fateful day... I will inevitably be moping about the probability of me becoming one of those old women who live in a run-down townhome with 30 cats and end up eating graham crackers and cake frosting for every meal. If you are lucky enough to talk to me on that one day... who knows how I will react to my perpetual state of 'spinster'.

The struggles of singleness are real, and, might I add, significant. Being single in a world designed for companionship can easily bring pain. I find myself fighting the feelings of unsettledness, tempted to wonder when it will be my time for the church wedding, white picket fence and 2.5 children. I find myself wondering if, in fact, it will be "my time" at all. As I cradle the babies of friends and coworkers, I am filled with deep longings to have my own. I, by my lonesome, attend church services, company parties and social events populated by couples and feel the all-too-familiar stabs of aloneness. I get weary of waking up to the empty half of my queen size bed. I'm not gonna lie... I often find myself battling the loneliness of not having a constant, committed companion.

Trudging through the trenches of singleness takes perseverance. Sometimes it’s perseverance soley brought on by obedience. I choose to believe that God has put me where I am at this point in my life... and then I choose to live in obedience to Him. Although, like Noah and many others we've read about in Scripture, I’m not content to seemingly be yanked into line by God's disciplinary hand. I’d rather hold that hand and walk, in trust, next to Him. I want to press on because walking a difficult road is an opportunity to be a little closer to Christ. God knows, however, that regardless of how much I want to walk with Him, there will be stretches of road when I’ll loosen my grip on His hand. My walk with God will be more like a stumble or... if we're being honest... a flat-on-my-face plummet. Those places on the journey are often when I am struggling with singleness the most. It’s in those times that I need to take a step back and remind myself of some really practical reasons why God might have routed my journey this way. I’m not pretending to know the reasons why I’m still single, but I do know that even in the hardest of situations, God often gives us tiny glimpses into some good things He’s doing. Backing away and forcing myself to see the positive helps me to move forward in spite of the negative. For this reason, I have often been called an "eternal optimist", but I like to think of it as Faith. A walking on water kind of faith.

We have all heard the familiar story of Peter and his walk on the waves. As the violent storm tossed their boat about the water, Peter and his 11 friends were visited by Christ. "Do not be afriad, It is I", Jesus told the men. Those words calmed the inner-storm of the 12 men in the boat that night. The presence of Christ gave them the hope that they will make it through the terrible storm, but Peter was not content with just making it through. “Lord, if it’s you…tell me to come to you on the water". The stormy waters became his platform to get closer to Jesus. They paved the way for an unbelievable experience, an incredible walk of faith that catapulted him into uncharted waters (no pun intended). It’s amazing to me that none of Peter’s friends hopped out of the boat to join him. Maybe they didn’t think it would work for them, maybe their heads were burried too far between their knees, or maybe they just weren’t willing to loosen their whitened knuckles from the familiar grip on the boat. I don't know why they didn't follow in Peter's footsteps, but I do know that they missed out on a miracle. Because they stayed in that boat, they missed out on the blessing and the thrill of experiencing extreme closeness with Christ.

For me, being single is a platform, a wave to walk out on instead of a storm to wait out. I'm not saying that I don't still long for companionship... because, believe me, I do... but I am saying that this time in my life can be used. I can be as productive now as I would be with the white picket fence and 2.5 children. Those days when I find myself contemplating kittens and cake frosting... I need to realize that the pain I am experiencing today, the journey I am on RIGHT NOW, is only drawing me closer to the one who put me there in the first place.

In closing (finally! This entry turned out to be far longer than I thought it would!!), learning to have a walk on water kind of faith transforms what looks like a storm into an adventure, an opportunity. It takes a little more work and definitely more trust... mind you, it’s far easier to sit in the boat until the storm blows over. But, much like Peter's seafaring buddies, if you stay in the boat... you’re missing the best part of the trip.

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

plethora of thoughts...

2005-06-17T22:27:00.000-04:00

Hi there friends. I am excited to announce that it is Friday!! After a long week of work... it's finally friday. Which, now that I think of it, means fairly nothing being that I have to work all weekend.

Today was our father's day picnic at work (in a 150 bed facility, there are only about 30 male residents). The rest of the TR (therapeutic recreation) team and I gathered up the guys and headed out to the back lawn where they were treated like the kings they are. Beer, chips and a good ol' cigar... Father's day at it's finest. While watching the 90 year old men puff away at their generic Target stogies, I realized something about my job. You see... lately, I have been a little frustrated with my current position. It's a good gig, don't get me wrong... I basically get paid to hang out with people... which I might say, I'm pretty good at ;) I do feel like I am using my spiritual gifts to improve the lives of the residents... BUT... I'm not certain, at this point, if this job improves MY life at all. Now, I don't mean that in an awkward selfish kind of way (although it sounds mighty awkward AND quite selfish)... I just didn't want to be 30 and stuck in a job that isn't teaching me anything, a job that's not allowing me to grow. As I sat in the sun this afternoon talking to Herman about his time as a dentist during the Great Depression, I looked around and saw Delbert with his wife of 65 years laughing and carrying on as if they were newlyweds. I saw Tom telling stories of how his time in the war was the only time he's ever known true humility . I watched Gail dance the 'Charleston' from her wheelchair because "you only live once so why not live it up". As I slowly scanned the circle of what seemed to me to be most interesting people I have ever met... I realized that this job is far more than a 'good gig'. Singing hymns with Bernice, writing life-stories with Arlo, exchanging witty repartee with Gerry... those are all things that make it seem like I am the one improving lives. It was only today, over the pungent scent of generic cigars, that I came to realize MY life is the one thing being improved. I don't know how long I will stay at Martin Luther Manor, but I do know that I will leave there changed ... and for that, I am grateful.

For now, I am going to spend some time playing guitar. I haven't written anything in a while and I fear I may be losing that passion. Perhaps the next hour or so is what I need to recharge... either that... or a muse.

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

Think on this... (similar to random thought of the day, but perhaps a bit more introspective)
The one thing we all truly long for is to no longer long for anything.

thoughts on friendship...

2005-06-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

It is raining tonight in the city. The kind of rain that mysterioulsy makes all who are experiencing it curl up under blankets on their couches. I've come to realize that summer storms in this city are nothing to laugh about. We've already had tornados, power outages, and hail damage. If you listen closely... I'm sure you can hear the faint, yet incessant, drone of the severe weather siren even as I type this entry tonight.

I'm wanting to write tonight about friendship. I recently read some teenie-bopper magazine article about what a "true friend" should be. This (not exactly journalistic) article was chalk full of things like "don't steal your girlfriends man" or "lie only when necessary". Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed that the women of tomorrow are getting such craptastic advice about friendship. Don't get me wrong.... I doubt I'm the picture-perfect confidante at all times, but I, at least, attempt to take my friendship cues from a bit more reliable source. AKA: The Bible. Tonight, I will share with you what I have learned to be the distinguishing characteristics of a true friend.

A true friend "sharpens"-
Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." Just like the sharp edge of a knife, a true friend will put an edge on your life and continue to aid in it's sharpening. False friends will ultimately dull your life, blunt your influence, basically... drag you down. True friends will do the opposite. A true friend is one who will ultimately influence your life, in all areas, for the better.

A true friend "sticks"-
True friends are steadfast. As it is stated in Proverbs 17:17, a favorite verse of mine, "A friend loveth at all times..." At times, the journey of friendship is like a cruise ship. It's fairly easy to get on and off board. Often, friends will stay on board as long as everything is sailing smoothly; but once rough water arrives, they abandon ship. A true friend is one who will ride the waves, and possibly even help you steer the boat.

A true friend "stabs"-
Now, I realize that at first glance "stabs" seems to be a rather harsh word, but hear me out! Proverbs 27:6 says "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." I am a firm believer in the truth that true friends will wound you if it's necessary. That is, a true friend will tell you the truth even if it's not what you want to hear. Flattery is not a sign true friendship. A true friend cares enough to confront. The best friends I have had in my 23 years of life are the ones who have been honest regardless of what they thought I wanted to hear.

Granted... staying away from your girlfriends' significant other is an important thing to remember, but I wouldn't say that it was a defining characteristic of what friendship should be. I know that I didn't do the greatest job of explaining my points, but at least I set you folks up with some places to look up the scripture I referenced. That's really the most important part anyway.

The rain has since died down and I am now headed off to bed. Tomorrow is one more rainstorm closer to another beautiful weekend.

Goodnight, friends.
Tempa

thoughts...

2005-06-06T22:51:00.000-04:00

It has been quite a while since I've found myself in front of this screen and it's a little hard to believe it's already been a year since I started this little gateway to my soul. My how time flies. I have just returned home from a movie with a friend and am feeling somewhat drawn to write tonight. I don't think I have anything specific to write about, per se... I am just feeling compelled to write. So, my friends, that is what I will do...

Have you ever been traveling down the highway and suddenly realize you have no recollection of how you arrived at your destination? As if the past forty miles were somehow nonexistent? It leaves you with a feeling of uneasy accomplishment. Proud that you have come to the end of your journey, yet apprehensive about the fact you have no memory of the journey in the first place. Tonight, as Alicia and I sat teary-eyed watching "The Sisterhood of the traveling Pants" (a movie, by the way, that I would highly recommend), the ominous wave of uneasy accomplishment hit me like a 16-wheel Mack truck. Here I am 23 years old, living in Minneapolis, starting up this whole new adult life Â and I have absolutely no idea how I got here.

I mean... I drove here... from Ohio... I know that part... but how did I GET here?! What paths in my life did I choose to take and moreso what would have changed if I had chosen differently? What decisions in my life had direct effect on the outcome of my life at this point? I wonder if I had never moved to Chicago from Kentucky... where would I be? If I had never quit softball and joined a choir... who would I be? If I had chosen to study english or psychology or something else that I had a small amount of passion for instead of choosing the one thing thing that seemingly defined passion... what would I be doing?? It's not that I am unhappy where I am or that I want something more... it's just that I wish I would have noticed the ride that got me here. It's as if I have waited my whole life for my life to start, but while I was waiting for it... I missed actually living it.

Maybe it was the over-romanticized chick flick, maybe it was the feel of approaching summer... but whatever it was has left me numb tonight in this state of uneasy accomplishment. What ever it was has propelled me to live my life instead of wait for it, to pay attention to the road ahead as I travel on this journey. Above all else, whatever has left me numb tonight, will only allow me to feel tomorrow.

Goodnight~
Tempa

Americana god

2005-05-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

Good evening,

I just woke up from a day-long nap. My boss asked me to leave work this morning, stating that "I need to take care of myself if I want to take care of other people". The man has a point. Although, my current cold is definitely the kind that makes you sound far sexier when you talk... it certainly makes my job as a music therapist a little more difficult. So, needless to say, I went home... fell asleep... and woke up feeling quite a bit better. So, my thoughts tonight, be them important, come from a state of mind that may be a bit affected by Aleve and Sudafed.

Ok, so... I am tired of worshipping an 'Americana god'. I am ashamed to say that, at times, my idea of who God is has become as common place as apple pie and baseball. In this world of Tivo and Ipods, it's so easy to put the Lord in a box. For me, it's pretty simple to see God in things like Ohio sunsets or Iowa farmland. It's easy to see how Christ moves in the life of a child on the first day of school or a man in the final stage of life. But it's far more difficult for me to see God outside of the "lower 48". Literally and figuratively. I, far to often, trap the Lord in this box of American greatness along with things like Independence day and mint chocolate chip ice cream, but our God is greater than that. The God that paints the Ohio sunsets is the same God that places the stars over the African plains. The God that sculpted the Iowa landscape is the same God that created the London Fog. Not only does the Lord transcend my box of Americana, but, as it says in Philippians 4:7, He transcends our understanding. I am continually amazed by how immense our God is and how small I seem to be in comparison. When you look at who God is apart from the Americana we know... it is clear that the Lord is far greater than I often give Him credit for. When I (slowly but surely) take God out of the box that I have unknowingly forced Him into, I am able to understand the vastness that is the Lord God. So yes, I am tired of worshipping an "Americana god". I am tired of foolishly placing Christ along side of things like hot dogs and blue jeans, but above all else...

I'm just tired.

God is Bigger~
Tempa

Shout Out!!

2005-05-14T00:20:00.000-04:00

I don't have time to write much tonight, but I do want to tell everyone about a new, up-and-coming artist that I have recently become addicted to. Her name is Anna Nalick. I'm sure you've heard her song "Breathe (2AM)" in movies or maybe even on the radio (although Im not sure). Regardless of if you have or have not actually heard Ms. Nalick... her music is great. It's reminiscent of Jewel back before Jewel sold out to become a "pop star". You know, the "Foolish Games" Jewel, when she was still proud of the fact that her teeth are crooked. Anyway... Anna Nalick writes her own music. Music that is, consequently, some of the most singable new tunes I've heard in a while. She writes things leave you thinking, things I wish I could write. She sings in this low husky voice, the voice I wish I had. It's definitely the kind of music they would use on Dawson's Creek if Dawson's Creek were still around. It would be played over climactic argument scenes or softly playing the background during over-dramatic, life-altering conversations. In short, Anna Nalick's music is some eclectic mixture of Sarah McLachlan, Michelle Branch, and Kelly Clarkson melting together with other voices of folky female angst to make a sound and style that is simply "Anna Nalick."

$9.99 at your local Target... It would be worth the 10 spot! :)

"2Am and I'm still awake writing a song..."
Tempa

Words

2005-05-10T23:03:00.000-04:00

Hi there,

Now, if you know me (or if you have read any number of these blog entries) you know that I am a fan of talking. Not in the "she likes to hear the sound of her own voice" kind of way, but I really like words. Since I was a kid, I've always wondered what guy sat down and thought of each word originally. Who sat down to eat in the evening and said "Dinner"? Who put arm rests on a short bed and said "SOFA"? Things like that boggle my mind. There are some words that make me laugh, some that are heart-warming and others that I have absolutely no idea what they mean, but like using them as much as possible.

So in the spirit of list making and to honor my love for the lexicon... I have for you the following:

WORDS THAT MAKE ME SMILE: Tweed, Wasabi, Ambrosia, Bongo,
WORDS THAT ARE MEANINGFUL TO ME: Heaven, Autumn, Friendship, Weekend
WORDS I HATE: Panties, Moist, Yummy, Tissue
WORDS I CAN'T DEFINE: filibuster, Saffron, Riboflavin
WORDS YOU SHOULD BE IMPRESSED THAT I CAN DEFINE: Gerrymandering, lukocyte, serendipitous, monotonous
WORDS I CAN'T PRONOUNCE: Rural, Roar, 'Rufus Wainwright', 'Sixth Sense'
WORDS THAT SHOULD BE SPELLED DIFFERENTLY: Receipt, pasteurized, rhythm
BEST WORD OVERALL: Ambrosia
WORST WORD OVERALL: Moist

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

Im like a bird...

2005-05-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

I remember back in 2000 (or somewhere around then) Nelly Furtado had a song out called "I'm like a bird". I will be the first to tell you that I always thought that song was ridiculous. Not only could I not decipher the lyrics through her constant squawking, I never really understood what the lyrics were actually trying to say. Until this morning. This morning, I felt some weird connection to that unintelligible song.

For the last few days, I have gotten up with the sun. Once you start getting up every day at 7:00, it's hard to make it stop. Anyway, as I pull the cord on the blinds to let in the aforementioned sun, I am greeted by a small brown bird who has seemingly signed up to spend the mornings on the edge of the pine tree outside my window. This bird, whom I have affectionately named Stevie, sits there singing his little bird song for the duration of my morning devotions and before I leave the comfort of my bed to shower, he chirps a little louder and takes flight. He takes flight directly into my bedroom window.

Now, I am not a huge fan of birds, but the first time it happened I flew from under my chocolate brown comforter and made sure Stevie's broken bird carcass wasn't embedded in the bushes. When I saw him perched back on his branch, I couldn't help but chuckle. I have watched this bird several times throughout the week and it is always the same routine of sitting, singing and smashing into my window. I began to wonder about my little bird Stevie. Why would he continue to attempt the flight and what is he thinking as he sings that last song before take off?

I realized, one of those mornings, that Stevie and I aren't all that different. Every morning he sits on his branch and sings. A branch that he has come to know as "his branch". It's comfortable and maybe he has even made a few friends from spending his mornings on that branch... the squirrel on the ground below or the robin in the tree next door. Whatever the reason, he loves mornings on my pine tree. Once he musters up the strength, he sings goodbye to the comfortable place he's come to love and excitedly takes off for a new start. He gets a running start and then SMASH... an obstacle. Stevie, being the persistent little bird that he is, finds his way back to the branch only to start again the next morning.

I feel a strange connection with that bird. Like his new start every morning is MY new start every morning. Like his obstacles are my obstacles. Now, I know that comparing myself to a sparrow (im guessing, I have no idea if he's a sparrow) may seem insane and I'm not all too sure that I explained my thought process very well, but maybe you'll see where I'm going with it. In short, Stevie and I aren't all that different. I muster up the strength to start anew with many different aspects of my life on a daily basis and I may crash into a bedroom window now and again, but I'll always find my way, singing, back to my branch.

"I'm like a bird..."
Tempa

Unrealistic

2005-04-24T21:54:00.000-04:00

Hi there,

When we were children, we dreamt of our lives as adults. My dreams often included a quaint brownstone in Greenwich Village and an artsy occupation in the city. Sometimes, I was married with a young daughter named Sara (without an "H") and other times I'd spend my days trading beauty secrets and celebrity gossip with the closest of girlfriends. Regardless of what my specific daydreams included back then, I always thought adulthood would be more than rent checks and the evening news. Now that I am living the adulthood I once dreamt of, I find myself frustrated about what it has actually turned out to be.

I moved here with these fancy plans of grandeur. I came with the thought that the moment I became an adult my life would finally "take off". Well, I've been in The Cities for about 2 months now and it seems I am still waiting in line on the runway. I realize that it's fairly crazy to think that balancing your checkbook or buying your own toilet paper will somehow propel your life into the kind of adulthood we see in movies. I know that a 40 hour work week won't automatically give me the adulthood I've always dreamt of, but I can't help but wish it would. What I wouldn't give to have the life of Kathleen Kelly in 'You've got Mail' or Jonathan Trager in 'Serendipty'. Their lives seems so glamorous and on-track. They work in bookstores and coffee houses while living in urban high-rises. They have successful relationships and dinner plans on the weekends while I'm here in a one-bedroom apartment alternating chicken quesadillas and frozen pizzas every night still hoping to make some more connectable connections in the area. The serendipitous You've Got Mail adulthood seems so easy to achieve. I am quickly learning things that seem easy to achieve are quite difficult when actually attempted. Some call me an eternal optimist, other's a classic romantic.... call me what you will, but at this point, I'm going to call myself unrealistic.

Until next time,
Tempa

"No mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." Isaiah 46:6

continuing from earlier...

2005-04-20T23:25:00.000-04:00

Two blogs.... one night. I'm on fire!!

Ok, well I am feeling mighty verbose and I am in of those emotional, over-analyze, sap-tastic kind of moods this evening. I think it may be because of the weather. It's one of those nights that people write about. The kind when air just smells clean. A night perfectly constructed for hand-in-hand walks to the neighborhood park and deep conversations on the kiddy-swings under the stars. Those kind of nights make me sappy no matter how emotional I may or may not be.

So, as I previously stated... I am feeling quite verbose this evening. Although some might say that I am quite "wordy" all the time ;) Tonight, though, I don't really have any exciting news or entertaining stories to share with you and I don't feel exceptionally drawn to any of the current news stories. Briteny's preggo... whooptie-doo. There's crap going on in the government that shouldn't be.... shocking! We have a new Pope... I'm not catholic. I guess I'm not really feeling anything right now but sappiness and contemplation (can you feel contemplation??? Oh well, I can!) And what do verbose girls that are sappy and contemplative do? They write... so that is what I will do. I will write more about what I talked of in the last blog entry. Love... overhyped, kinda unrealistic, perfectly scripted Love :)

To him who waits,

Tonight, I wonder.
I wonder about friendships and photography,
music and the ability to create all three.
About life and loving it, about love and living it.
There are many things I wonder, and many things I know.
I know you are the one.
The one who will know my eyes when they are sad
and make me laugh when you recognize my eyes.
The one who will hold my door, my hand, and my heart.
The one who will call "just because".
and the one who will answer just because I call.
I know you are the one.
The one who, when you were born, the Lord said... "that's him"
and the one, from across the room, will think... "that's her".
Tonight, I wonder, but I do not worry
For there are many things I know.

Goodnight,
Tempa

Sucker for love

2005-04-20T18:57:00.000-04:00

Hi friends,

As I sit here watching an incredibly cheesy yet shamefully adorable romantic comedy that I DVR'd from the ABC Family Channel, I've realized that I am a sucker for love. I'm talking a melt into a pile of human mush kind of sucker. And although I think I will be a sucker for real-life God given love... at this point, I am only talking about overhyped, kinda unrealistic, perfectly scripted TV love. While I am at work every day, I DVR the tv show "Ed". They are just now getting to the episodes where the main characters Ed and Carol (who have coincidentally been friends for years) are realizing their love for one another. I find myself rushing home from work to see what amazingly adorable things await me on my digital video recorder. I've come to the conclusion that I live vicariously through love stories I see on television. Not like Briteny and Kevin or Demi and Ashton love stories. Like I said, I'm talking Carol Vessey and Ed Stevens perfectly scripted love. I think my love will be perfectly scripted someday. Granted, that may be setting some fairly high expectations for whomever that love will come from... but still... it will be. I know it will be.

OK, well as much as that small snippet of a blog sucked... that's pretty much all I have to say this afternoon. I am going to make dinner and then settle in for the American Idol kick-off show. Gotta love watching someone's dreams die on national television ;)

Have a great day~
Tempa

Birthdays in the real world

2005-04-16T18:46:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday was my twenty-third birthday. Although I had a wonderful day, I realized that, unfortunately, birthdays are forced to lose their luster once you enter into the real world. I am the first to admit that I am an eternal toddler when it comes to my birthday. I start a countdown months in advance, I give verbal reminders any chance I have, and I start checking the mail for Hallmark stickers come April 1st. I want presents and parties and an ice-cream cake with my name on it. I want balloons and greasy pizza and bowls of unnecessary snack food. I will always want people to approach my birthday with the same attitude as a father planning a pony princess party for his five year old daughter. Birthdays are a big deal; a definite cause for celebration and a wonderful excuse to have a great time regardless of one's age. I realized yesterday that not everyone shares my excitement for birthdays. I realized yesterday that the "real world" doesn't include bowls of unnecessary snack food for pony princess parties. It does include, however, a package from your parents and an 89 cent birthday card from Wal-Mart signed by your co-workers.

It's hard to believe I am already twenty-three. I can remember when I was a kid and my babysitter was sixteen. She would do gymnastics back and forth across our living room floor and talk to her boyfriend on the phone when I was (supposed to be) sleeping. I always thought she was so mature, so grown-up. I thought that high school was the be-all-end-all of young adult existence. In my six year old mind, anything after high school was 'Mom'. I remember watching 90210 or Saved by the Bell: The College Years and thinking the characters were so adult. It's hard to believe I am now older than Steve when he worked at the Peach Pit or Zack and Kelly when they got married in Las Vegas. It's fun and exciting, but hard to believe.

Now, I know some people who would get kinda freaked out about turning twenty-three, but in my opinion... I am pretty darn stoked to see what this new year of my life will bring. Who knows where I will be as I turn twenty-four? Who knows how I will get there and who knows who I will get there with? Those are all questions I am excited to find the answers to. I have no idea where I will be next year on April 15th, but I do know that there will be parties and presents and an ice-cream cake with my name on it!

Happy Birthday to me,
Tempa

In the words of Jessica Simpson... "23 is almost 25, and 25 is almost half way to 30" :)

Thoughts on a Parable

2005-04-12T23:10:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since we've talked. I sort of just left you hanging. oops :) Well, I had a wonderful weekend in Iowa. It's crazy how when you are in college, everyone that has graduated tells you that you will miss being in college once you've graduated... but you never really realize how much you actually do miss it until you are telling people that they will miss being in college once they've graduated. Crazy. Just crazy.

So, I was between music therapy sessions at work this afternoon when I decided to play guitar for a bit. I have been working on a song about the parable of the lost son for a few months now. Luke 15:11-32 in song-form. It's been one of those pieces that I just can't seem to get right. The tune is boring, the words don't fit... sometimes I can't find the words at all. After working at it for a while this evening, I finally got frustrated and washed my proverbial hands of the whole thing. It was only then that the Lord found the words for me. I'm finding more and more truth in the fact that once you let go of something, God will do amazing things with it. Well, while I was writing down the lyrics that were spoken to me... I had a bit of a revelation. I will do my best to explain that revelation to you.

In Luke, Jesus tells us of a father who splits his estate evenly between his two sons. The older son is quite responsible with his share of the estate, while the younger son flees to a distant land and squanders his money on the so-called "high life". After wasting away his share of his father's estate and being struck with famine, the younger son recognizes his sinful mistake and realizes it would have been far wiser to stay at home with his father. As the younger son returns, the father and his servants rejoice. The older son quickly grows jealous and is told to join in the celebration for his brother was lost but now is found.

While, I was putting that story into music, I realized that I am the younger son. I escape to distant lands and squander my share of the estate on the "high life". The younger son was given a more than generous gift from his father. He took that gift for granted, and wasted it while seeking happiness in other things. Only later he finds out that the only happiness he needed was at home with his father. It hit me like a brick tonight, how directly that applies to my life! have been given the greatest gift of all (sounds cliche, but it's true) and I continue to search for enjoyment elsewhere. I continue to seek happiness in other things... in relationships, in success, in material things. The gift my Father has given me is eternal life in Christ. Much like the young son, I take that gift for granted and seek fulfillment in other things. Later, I realize my sinful ways and recognize that the only true fulfillment I can ever have is through eternal life in Christ. I have a feeling that, back in the day, the Younger Son and I would have been dating.:)

Now I realize it's possible that others of you may have already had this realization. Perhaps it's not the most original thought... but it was new to me and it is definitely something that I needed to be reminded of.

I hope you are all having great weeks.

Talk soon,
Tempa

Soundtrack of my life

2005-04-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

Hi there,

So, I was driving to a friends house the other day and a great song came on the radio. I'm not sure who wrote it or when its from exactly... but I know it was a classic. There's nothing quite like driving down the interstate, singing along with a good power ballad. While ignoring the stares and giggles of cars around me (as I am sure they were commenting on the fact that I was clearly belting within the confines of my own vehicle), I started to think about how many good power ballads I have actually performed within the confines of my own vehicle.

You know in movies, where the main character is driving or taking a train or a bus or something... they'll be staring out the window and a good power ballad will slowly fade in over the video montage of old love or faded memories. The main character always watches the scenery pass her by while seemingly thinking about how insignificant she is in comparison to the world she is driving through. Well, during the twelve hour drives from Cleveland to Iowa, I was that main character. I'd gaze out the window sifting through memories of the last 22 years. I'd stare at the scenery as it passes me by and wonder if things within the scenery are staring at me, too. I was empowered. I felt strong being alone. Not only ready to take on the six hundred and fifty miles of interstate 80, but ready to conquer the world. Perfectly content just driving and singing. Perfectly content to just be.

Living here, on my own, I feel the same empowerment. I feel that same strength. Sometimes, when I am hanging pictures on the walls or making my bed in the mornings, I hear that power ballad come to the forefront of the movie that is my life in Minneapolis. When I'm cleaning it's something like Briteny Spears or an uptempo 80's rock ballad. That's when the movie-goer would see me using my Turbo-vac as a microphone and wiping the mirror to the beat of Girls just wanna have fun! When I am hanging photographs or chatting on the telephone... the finger-picked guitar riffs of Green Day's Time of your life would bring the sensitive viewer to tears, while making those who do not appreciate the over-used cliched power ballad leave the theater in disgust. So many more songs accompany so many different aspects of my life here. With every new experience comes a new tune and with every new tune, a new joy.

In a way, it's hard to believe I have almost 23 years of songs stored up in this melon that rests atop my body. But then, I realize that it is those very songs that are my memories. When I am 60 years old and my grandson flips past the oldies station as I am driving him to karate or soccer or some yet-to-be-invented afterschool sporting event... I will hear a snippet of Avril's I'm with You or Hoobastank's The Reason and I will remember. I will remember the times when I was strong and empowered and I will be content. Content to drive. Content to Sing. Content to Just Be.

Goodnight, Tempa

I am/I am not

2005-03-28T23:06:00.000-05:00

Hello there,

So, as you all may know by now, I'm a thinker. Not the kind of thinker that takes advanced placement classes in High school or wore the prestigious yellow cord at college graduation. I'm the kind of thinker that finds ordinary life occurrences are far less ordinary when trying to truly grasp them. The kind that likes to read over past journal entries to see actual proof of how you truly are changed with age. I'm a thinker, I realized that as I was sitting on the couch this evening attempting to watch the new Bachelor. In thinking about how I am a thinker (Note: Only true thinkers think about how they are thinkers), I realized that I'm a lot of other things too. Then, in realizing I am a lot of other things... I realized there are quite a few things I am not.

I am the girl who struggles with time management. I am the girl who gets really excited really quickly. I'm the girl who sings worship songs in the shower every morning and the girl who, although seemingly very confident, gets fairly nervous when meeting new people. I am the girl guys can take home to mom, but don't want to show-off to their friends. I'm the girl you pick to throw you a party. I'm the girl that will have your back in an argument (unless I think you're wrong... then I'll tell you I think you're wrong). I'm the girl that talks back to the television during reality TV and the girl that leaves long-winded, unnecessary messages if I get your machine. I'm playful, loud, and sometimes more sarcastic than I want to be. Those are some things that I know I am.

I am not the girl who enters a competition just to win. I'm not the girl who thinks about conserving energy or saving trees. I am not the girl who washes her dishes right after she uses them or the girl who vacuums underneath her couch. I am not the girl who will show up fashionably late or leave before the fun is over. I'm not the girl you'll find throwing back tequila shots in Cabo on Spring break and I'm not the girl you'd want on your basketball team if you cared anything about the score. I'm not all about jealousy (although I've had my fair share). I'm not risky, I'm not trendy, and I am certainly not boring. Those are some things that I know I am not.

In thinking about all these things that I am or am not... I realized that it's important to know things like that. It's important to know what you are and what you aren't, what you can bring to others and what others can bring to you. I think that knowing things about yourself, no matter how small those "things" may seem, allows you to be more honest about who you truly are. Being truthful to yourself allows you to be honest with others and in my opinion... that's one of the most important things in this life.

True to You~
Tempa

Wonderful Weekend

2005-03-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

Hello all,

This has been quite the Easter weekend. I had Friday off, which was nice! Although I love my job, it's definitely starting to turn into a JOB (if that makes any sense). I spent Friday night with a friend here in the cities. As you know if you read my prior post, we watched the Notebook... and I LOVED it!! It was a fun evening with a friend. I spent 9 months in Cleveland, so nights like that are like making up for lost time! The same friend and I drove to meet another friend of ours for lunch on Saturday. Nothing to spectacular, but it was nice. It was Saturday afternoon when the fun started!! On the drive home from lunch, I got a call from my best friend's boyfriend Kyle. Kyle was calling to inform me that he was planning on proposing to Katie that night and he needed my help with the whole ordeal.

WHHHHHAAAATTTTT!!?????!!

That was pretty much my reaction, too. He went all out for her... which, in my opinion, is just what she deserves. Needless to say, she said yes and now my best friend is going to be Mrs. Kyle Nelsen. I'm pretty darn excited about the whole idea of her getting hitched, and especially to Kyle. It's comforting to know that God's got them covered, ya know? Although it has the possibility of bumming me out (being single and all)... it also gives me hope that there's a "Kyle" (preferably not named kyle since that would be awkward) for me out there somewhere too. Anyway... that was the highlight of my weekend! I spent my Easter Sunday at another friend's house since her mother graciously invited me over.

Speaking of Easter, I wonder when this day became more about bunnies and eggs and less about the resurrection of our Savior. Not only is it strange that society chose a giant bunny to deliver the pastel colored eggs, it's sad that said giant bunny has somehow upstaged the fact that a man rose from the dead to save our lives. I guess there really isn't much I can do about it, but it would be nice to know that people recognize the true meaning of Easter.

Ok, well with that... Here's to the Notebook, Congrats to Kate and Kyle, and Hallelujah, Christ is Risen! :)

In Him,
Tempa

Two Words....

2005-03-26T01:11:00.000-05:00

The Notebook!!!

If you haven't seen it... you need to. If you have seen it, you need to see it again. That movie is hands down, without question one of the best romanitc movies I have seen in a long time. I hadn't seen it before tonight, but it was worth the wait.

I don't have time to write much tonight, but I wanted to most definitely sing the praises of a wonderful, wonderful movie. I'm off to buy the book tomorrow.

AH!! To have a love like that!!

I'll be seeing you~
Tempa

Hmm..

2005-03-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so tonight's post may seem a bit out of character for me. BUT... there are parts of me that my internet audience probably doesn't know. One of those parts is the fairly intellectual side that actually gives a rat's tookus about what is going on in this world. A world that, surprisingly enough, extends far beyond my own personal bubble. So tonight... I will talk a bit about the stories that have been gracing our headlines for the last week or so.

Let's get it started with the meat and potatoes! Terri Schiavo. Before I get to yacking about this... let me say that I truly think this is one of the most intense and interesting cases in our lifetime. There's so many levels to it... the moral level, the governmental level, the familial level... the list goes on. It's intense. Now... my biggest beef with the whole thing is that I just don't understand (at all!!) what the government has to do with any of it. How is her life (or lack there of depending on your opinion) anyone's business but her families?? It's rude, borderline unacceptable, for the government and the media and Joe Nothingman off the street to get involved in such a deeply personal situation. I heard (from Christian) that governor Jeb Bush even attempted to gain custody of her. Riiiight. Good one Jeb. Good one. It's just such a touchy thing. Republicans picket and tape their mouths closed in protest to keep her alive, but don't blink an eye when it comes to taking out Scott Peterson. Democrats would fight all night to see Ben Affleck... I mean Scott Peterson... doing yard work at the county jail, but don't really care all that much if Terri dies. It's crazy and touchy and intimate and quite frankly... none of my (or anyone elses) business.

Now, onto other things. What was with the American Idol snafu tonight?? I was a bit upset by that. I am about ready to march myself right down to that Auditorium (or wherever they are)and rip Mikahla's Barbara Streisand wanna-be, vowel-contorting, overly plucked eyebrows right off that stage! Man, she's annoying! I do, however, have to give two thumbs up to my girl Carrie Underwood. That girl has some pipes and she knows how to use them. AND... might I add... use them correctly which is something that very few people on past seasons of that show knew how to do. I've heard people say that last night's number goof was some sort of publicity stunt. A ploy to get more ratings or something, but with an average of like 120 million votes a night... I doubt their spot on the Nielson charts is going anywhere anytime soon.

Alright, there are quite a few more topics I could cover (and get pretty deep into): The school shootings in northern Minnesota and how the shooter was yet another troubled teen that less than stellar adults chose to ignore. The Ashley Smith story and how it is awesome it is that God provided for her (and the other guy) in that instance. The fact that, by the looks of it, my generation seems to be completely out of luck when it comes to social security. There are a lot of other stories I could talk about, but I just don't have the time and, quite frankly, I just don't want to :)

In the immortal words of Mr. Jimmy Fallon... Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow~
Tempa

Days like this...

2005-03-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

Do you ever have those days where everything hits you in some awkward over-emotional kind of way? Like everything you see on television or everything people say to you has some deep impacting meaning that you can't really put your finger on, but you know is there. The days when tears sneak up on you and 'overwhelmed' is often the only adjective you could use to describe what you are feeling. Today was one of those days for me. I guess the best way to explain how I felt all day is it was as if I had stepped out of my own life and began watching it on some sort of life-sized movie screen. At church this morning, I found myself overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have the friends I have. Kate and Kyle were here this weekend (after a difficult drive up, mind you!) and during the Palm Sunday service today there were numerous times where I was nearly moved to tears by how great it is to have friends like them. Not just them, though, Betsy and Scott, Lish, Nicole... the list goes on and on. All weekend, I have found myself analyzing and thinking about my life. Like I said before, it is as if I have been watching the last few weeks of my life in review. I find myself analyzing and recognizing things that I didn't even really realize happened (or at least made an impact) in the first place. It's kind of surreal, actually, and I have a feeling that you all know at least kind of what I am talking about!

At first thought, I get kind of annoyed at days like this... Like they are some sort of huge inconvenience in my normally laid-back, not-too-emotional way of living, but then I realize that if I didn't have days like this... I would never be as thankful as I am for what I am given. I think there has to be days like these in order for us to truly realize how the Lord provides for us. Being human, we often (far more often than not) fall into the selfish, egotistical, me-centered, I can accomplish everything on my own mentality. I think that days like this, days when we are purposefully shown how the Lord is working in our lives, keep us grounded. Days like this allow us to us to see (and feel!) how the Lord is directly affecting our lives. Days like this allow us all the opportunity to step out of the me-centered mentality and into a mentality that is completely Christ-centered, a mentality where overwhelmed-ness turns into thankfulness and all the "I can accomplish everything on my own" thoughts are turned to Philippians 4:13. In my opinion... it's days like this that make all the other days worth living.

Goodnight friends, and may your tomorrow be a day like this....

Tempa

Bring to the Table

2005-03-14T22:51:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends,

First, let me congratulate Matthew and Carrisa Townsley on a beautiful wedding this weekend. I'm partially mentioning this because Christian asked if I was going to write a blog about it, but I also just wanted to comment on how great it was to see everyone and share in Matt and Cassy's special day. (The Gatorade bottles on the reception tables were a nice touch!!)

Ok, there are a few things I want to bring to the table tonight. Both are kinda deep and rather meaningful (at least I think they are), so I really wanted to share these thoughts with those of you who read my ramblings on a semi-regular basis. I was thinking today about my life. The ups, the downs, the hills, the valleys.... you know, the whole she-bang. There are a lot of hills in my life that I am very proud of. Things that I wouldn't change, even if I had the chance, but there are plenty of valleys that I wouldn't be so sure about. I was thinking today (as most of us do at times) about what I would change if I could call a do-over on the last few years of my life. There are big things. Big, deal-breaking, life-changing things, a relationship that went sour or a friendship that I let go of too soon. A path I chose to take or a path I neglected to follow. Things like that are what I call the "Biggin's". Then, there are little things. A sarcastic remark that would have been better unsaid or a seemingly unimportant, albeit juicy, tid-bit of gossip that would have been better kept a secret. If I could call a do-over on the last few years of my life, it is the little things, the things that I could have easily prevented, that I would change. Not the biggin's. The biggin's are the things that make me who I am and even if those "biggin's" weren't the best experiences of my life... I wouldn't do them over.

While continuing to reflect upon my life over a Lean Cuisine Chicken n' Cheese Lasagna, I realized that even if I wanted to call a do-over... I couldn't. I couldn't because I don't have the authority to call do-overs. I'm pretty certain that the Lord is the ultimate Do-Over Caller and I have absolutely nothing to do with the calling of do-overs. It's a little thing we like to refer to as the will of God. In all actuality, it's a BIG thing we like to refer to as the will of God. There are a few things I want to mention about God's will. In Acts 9, Saul meets Jesus on the road to Damascus. Jesus told Saul to go to the city and he will be told what to do. Psalm 32:8 says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you". Psalm 37:23 says, "The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD". There are tons of scripture all over the Bible that talk of the ultimate authority of God's will. Guidance is promised in the Word of God. At times (a lot of times in my case!), it is difficult to rely on the Will of God and rest in His promises. It's harder than it should be to know that the little, seemingly insignificant, preventable slip-ups and the deal-breaking, life-changing "biggin's" are all part of the bigger picture. The bigger picture that only God can see, no matter how hard I squint to try.

Well, now that I have rambled on for an hour past the time I had planned on heading to bed, I'll close this blog entry up with a short synopsis of my point. There are so many times in life that we wish we were given the chance to try again, so many times we want a do-over. When those times sneak around the corner, I challenge each one of you (and myself!) to face them head on with the knowledge and the promise that God's Will will prevail. Even if it seems like the valleys can't get any lower and the "biggin's" can't get any bigger... God's Will will prevail. That is HIS promise, not mine... and in HIS promise... we can rest happy!

Goodnight,
Tempa

The Amazing Apprentice Idol Road World Challenge!

2005-03-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

Reality TV. Isn't it something?! What ever happened to situational comedies?? The good ol' American sitcom with good ol' American storylines. You know, like... boy meets girl, girl blushes, boy tries to impress girl but ends up looking like a douchebag, girl leaves while laughing with her friends. Nowadays it's more like... boy buys girl alcoholic beverage, girl blushes partially because of the 2 glasses of wine she had previously, boy tries to impress girl by talking about his past sexual experiences, girl leaves with boy while texting her friends about why she will not be returning home till morning. Although it's not really part of MY personal reality... that kind of "situational comedy" is probably (although unfortunately) this world's reality. My question for you is when did we turn into a society that would rather watch other people living their lives than live our own? When did we turn into the kind of people that choose to eat bowls of movie-theater-style popcorn on the couch while watching people travel the world instead of making plans to travel the world ourselves?? Now, I know that may seem rather catty, but in no way am I excluding myself from the above mentioned "we". I am, as we speak, only half paying attention to this blog entry since the other half of my attention is entirely invested into this weeks episode of 'The Amazing Race'. Come to think of it, I just finished watching (often in horror) the girls perform on American Idol and I wait with baited breath for 9:00, so I can tune in for the final episode of Real World Philadelphia. And if I were to be completely honest with you (which, I'd like to think I always am)... four out of five evenings of my work week are tenatively scheduled around reality television. So, in theory, I am most definitely one of those people who would rather watch other people live while eating overly buttered popcorn. I just kinda wonder when (and how) I...we... got that way.

this IS reality~
Tempa

The Luckiest

2005-03-05T15:16:00.000-05:00

Hi there,

Me again. I know I just wrote earlier today, but I thought of something else that I love about my job and I wanted to share it with you. Ok, so going along with the story I told about the man and his wife in the last entry... I thought of something. Ben Folds sings this song called "The Luckiest". It's not new, so I'm sure most of you have heard of it. Ben Folds sings a verse that that, to me, best expresses how real love is. I don't mean "real love" as opposed to "fake love"... because, in my opinion, 'fake love' isn't love at all. I mean how REAL love is. How it overtakes you. How it takes your breath from your chest and knocks you to your knees. That's Real. As I was driving home from Target, I heard "The Luckiest" and this verse really brought it all home for me:

‘Next door, there’s an old man, who lived to his nineties and one day, passed away in his sleep, well his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and passed away. I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.’

I think that pretty much says it all. Love isn't just something that makes butterflies in your stomach or something that makes you dot your eyes with little hearts. True love is real... real enough to need each other in this crazy life and beyond. Real, I can’t live without you, breath-catching, word-forgetting, save the last dance for me kind of love is something special. Something that when you get a chance to witness, you'll never forget and something I can only pray is a part of my life someday, as well.

Goodnight,
Tempa

Love the moment

2005-03-05T12:54:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am. All moved in and settled. I feel as if there is so much I need to tell you all, but no real way to say it eloquently in such a short amount of time. I will do my best!

Well... to summarize it all... I love my job! I know I have only been there 5 days and it's not very realistic to say you love anything after only 5 days, but it's true. I love it! I work on a team of amazing people, helped and supported by other teams of amazing people. That alone would be enough to love a job, but there's more! There's something about working with the elderly that makes you appreciate every aspect of life. At first, I thought it was the fact that being around really old folks all day makes you pretty excited about the fact that you're still young. Although that might be true, I don't think that's what makes me appreciate life more than I did before. After spending only 5 days with the residents at Martin Luther Manor, I have seen, first hand, how they live their lives. Almost everyone I sat down to talk to (with the exception of those who are deep into the stages of dementia) lived each day as if it was the last day they would ever live. I know that pretty much sounds like something you would find written on a crocheted wall hanging, but it's true. And although I have heard the cliche "live each day as if it were your last" many times, I don't think I have ever seen it put into action. Last week, there was an evening program at Martin Luther Manor, a group called the "Banjo Boys". Residents and their family all gathered into the south dining hall to listen to the group play. Towards the end of the program, they began playing songs that the residents would recognize. They began the song "Save the Last Dance for Me" and one male resident slowly turned to his wife and asked her to dance. She helped him out of his wheel chair and they just stood there, cheek to cheek, dancing in the middle of the crowd. At 2:48 the next morning, he passed away. That story hit me like a brick!! He knew. He knew it was his last dance and even though he was small and frail and not really able to cut a proverbial rug... he didn't want to waste that opportunity. He died knowing the woman he loved saved the last dance for him. Amazing! In short, seeing residents, who very well may be taking their last breath or singing their last song, love every second of whatever it is they are doing... really makes me love and appreciate every second of anything I do more than I ever have before. And THAT... is why I love my job.

Love the moment~
Tempa

See ya in the CST!

2005-02-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

Hey Hey Hey,

Good results on Idol tonight! I was pleased with America's choices. Although, I do feel kind of bad for Melinda. She was right when she said she didn't get much air time in the previous episodes and she sang soooo much better tonight at her send-off than she did in her actual performance. She had a fairly good voice. I wish her well!! I'm finding (again) that it is fairly hard for me to watch that show without being all judgmental and critique-y (Yes, I made that word up.) I have a feeling that anyone with any education in vocal technique would have the same problem when watching American Idol. You can't really watch a show where people sing when you pretty much know whether or not they are singing correctly. I am quite impressed with the male specimens on this years show, though. Most of them really know what they are doing. If Carrie Underwood doesn't ride this thing out till the end... I hope a guy wins.

So, have any of you jumped on the bandwagon to join me and Betsy in our list making revolution?? Her latest blog is sporting quite the wonderful Top Ten List, if I do say so myself (and I do!) I might come up with something between now and tomorrow. If I do, you'll see some sort of list posted in the morning. I have a pretty busy schedule for the next week or so. And speaking of that... I wanted to tell you all that I'm gonna be gone for a few days. Who knows how many. Tomorrow, I am going to take the MT-BC exam (let's hope the crazy conniption woman isn't there again!) and finish packing... on Friday, I am moving to Minneapolis!!! (*insert excited squeal and awkward unflattering dance here*) I am going to try and get my internet up and running as fast as possible when I get there, but who knows what over-priced make-me-wait schemes those crazy internet tycoons are up to these days :-)

Have a great weekend. See you in the Central Time Zone!

Love You~
Tempa

Story of the day

2005-02-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or is MJ from the real world Philadelphia one of the sexiest men alive!?! I know that oogling over extremely attractive reality TV stars probably isn't the smartest or classiest thing to do with one's Tuesday evening... but cut a girl some slack.... he's southern AND has curly hair...it's a win/win combination in my book! Give the boy a guitar and a heart for Christ... and you might as well plan on scooping me up off the floor cause I'd be some sort of unrecognizable heartthrob-affected mush.

Ok...well... when I was fishing for something to talk about tonight, I didn't really think of anything. So I was going to just stick with the MJ talk and bid you adieu. HOWEVER... I thought of something! Yesterday, I told you that I was scheduled to take the board certification exam this afternoon. It's true... I was scheduled to take it, however... the actual act of taking the test never actually happened. I'll tell you why! So I leave my house like 45 minutes early (there were "If you are late you will NOT be admitted" warnings all over the confirmation Email. I didn't want to chance it!) and get to the H&R Block store where the test was being administered 15 minutes early. I casually stroll in and notice an older woman sitting in the otherwise empty "waiting room". I sit near her (although not right next to her, because that would be creepy) and wait for someone to come and give us instructions. Soon, a well-dressed gentleman came in and greeted us. He then told us that there have been some computer problems and the test is unable to be administered at that location today, but he did give us an 800 number so we could call and reschedule the test. I thanked them, took the number, and turned to leave. You'd think that would the end of it, BUT.... shockingly... it wasn't. As I turned to leave, the older woman I was sharing the waiting room with (she was older, however she was dressed as if she still believed she was a pledge at the local sorority) shot up from her uncomfortable plastic chair and starting having some sort of serious conniption fit about the lack of exam. I'm talking fists in the air, top of your lungs conniption!! She was ranting about how she drove 3 hours to get there and it was completely unacceptable and she will not leave without having taken the test...etc. All far too dramatic for my taste. I know what you are thinking.... Well, why didn't you just leave, Tempa?? I'll tell you! Although my intentions were to leave right after I found out that no test would be taken, I couldn't. I couldn't because the Grand Master of Over-reaction was throwing said conniption right in front of the doors. That's right. I had to stand there (Extremely Awkwardly, mind you!!) for at least three minutes before she stopped her flailing about enough that I could get past her and out the door. Let me tell you... not the best 15 minutes of my life.

Ok, well, now that my Story-of-the-Day may or may not have made you laugh. I should get to bed. Tomorrow, is yet another day of planning and packing!

Here's to you~
Tempa

Longing...

2005-02-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone,

It's time for another list. Honestly, I think the art of list-making has slowly morphed into some anal-retentive, over-cautious activity for Jeopardy bound geniuses and over-worked soccer mom's. I (with the help of a few college friends) hope to bring back the art of list-making. It can be quite therapeutic, I'd say. I encourage you all to try it sometime :)

Ok, well tonight, the topic of my list will be longing. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about longing on this blog before. Chances are high, since I talk about a lot of stuff... actually... chances are high since I talk a lot period. BUT... I'm gonna talk about it again. Longing is a crazy animal. It makes you think crazy things, feel crazy things and sometimes even makes you do crazy things. I'm not just talking longing for the extremely attractive guy that sits across the room from you in Human Relations (granted, that is totally just an example!! ;) !!) ... I'm talking about longing in it's entirety. Both good and bad. I do think that there can be two distinct ways one can long for things. "Bad" longing is, of course, the kind where you are continually unsatisfied with what you are given. Really wanting a cuter pair of gym shoes or a Yellow jeep Wrangler with black roll bars when you already have some pretty sweet kicks and a cute Ford Focus (again... just an example!). "Good" longing is, in my opinion, the hope and expectation of something better while appreciating what you already have. I know that may sound stupid, but think about it. I've been given quite a bit in my life... I have a great family, wonderful friends, a beautiful house to live in...etc...the list goes on.... BUT... I do long for my new apartment, and the start of my "new" life in Minneapolis. I long for marriage and a family of my own someday, but am quite thankful for the stage of singleness that I am in right now. Anyway... so that's the difference... at least in my opinion. I am most certainly guilty of the "bad" longing, possibly moreso than the "good". Maybe that's all bull-honkey... but it's what I'm feeling right now.

SO... without further ado... My list of longings....

I long for:
A good night's sleep
Spring
Romance
A good book
A diet cherry soda that doesn't taste like a diet cherry soda
My new apartment
Late-night conversations
Guitar with Joanna
That giddy first-date feeling
A gut-busting laugh
Yellow roses
Meeting new friends
A husband
My new job

This list could go on and on, but making it has taken far more time than expected. As it turns out... I don't long for as many things as I thought I did. Or, at least, I can't think of them right now. So... with that... I should go. I am taking my Music Therapy Board Certification test tomorrow at 1:30. Since I have no real reason I get up before noon... I should head to be early to ensure some studying time before the test. Wish me Luck!

Live Happy~
Tempa

wow! Long time!

2005-02-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

Geez, friends! I have left you alone for two weeks now! In the words of Jodie Sweetin (aka: Stephanie Tanner) "How Rude!" :)

I am sorry though. The past 14 days have been quite the ride. I'll explain it all to you.. let's start at the beginning. Well, we last spoke on February 6th.... on the 8th, I had my second interview with a perspective job opportunity in the Minneapolis area. On the 9th... I got the job!! So, you are now reading the typed words of Tempa Haines, Therapeutic Recreation Specialist at Martin Luther Manor, a nursing home in Bloomington, Minnesota! I am really (really!) excited about this opportunity. I will work on a team with four other recreational therapists... all with different specialties (Anna is a geriatric exercise therapist, Hailey is a certified Activity Director, and Jason is the head of the therapeutic recreation team. I, of course, am a music therapist) and when I talked with them on the phone it was like I was talking to my friends. A very surreal and unexpected thing. Surreal and unexpected, although Amazing and awesome at the same time! :) Is that even possible??!? Anyway, I accepted the position and the next day (the 10th) I drove out to Iowa for my best friends Bday AND a gig that my old band had somehow conjured up out of nowhere. I was at Wartburg that weekend and last Sunday, my good friend Betsy (she's the one who got married last July, you may have read about her previously) and I drove up to Bloomington to look for apartments. Miraculously... I found one!! I discovered very quickly that I was envisioning myself living faaaar more poshly than I could afford :) But the apartment I will be living in is cute and I can most definitely make it "home". So... this past week (after driving the 10 hours back to Ohio on Valentines Day) has been filled with last minute pre-move details and packing. How exciting is that?!?! (the answer is VERY!) So... that's the scoop. I got a job, a house, and a good start on my adult life all in the past 2 weeks. I'd say that's a pretty sweet deal!

Honestly, I am tempted to end this blog once I move up to Minneapolis. It would be a logical stopping point and I fear I won't have the time (or the energy) to keep up with it after an 8 hour work day. BUT... in talking to a few friends last night, I was persuaded to keep up this internet journal as much as possible. I think that's the best choice. I kinda do like sharing my life with the endless electronic void we know (and love) as the internet. :)

I hope you all are having weeks as exciting as mine have been! I'll write more tomorrow!

Peace out,
Tempa

Another thought...

2005-02-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot...

I won't drone on forever about this... but I kinda just want to put it out there. Lately, I've felt rather convicted of a few things. The other day, I watched this thing on TLC. It was kind of a documentary about the Tsunami and interviews with the survivors and stuff. It just kind of struck me as I was falling asleep that night how detached I am from the rest of the world, how little I appreciate things that have been given to me. Like, my heart really feels for all those affected by the December tsunami, and I think it's really great to see so many people come together to raise money and help in any way they can (Ellen Degeneres has already raised over 2.5 million dollars just on her own!). I can watch three hours of intense video and interviews of people who endured something sooo massive and sooo life-altering. I can sit and cry along with those on television, trying to empathize with something that I can only attempt to imagine. I can pray for them and donate money and all this other 'Good Samaritan' type stuff, but while Im watching all of this on TV, others are actually living it. I have the luxury of changing the channel. I have the luxury of turning off the television and walking up the stairs of my house to a warm bed surrounded by pictures of people I care about. I can turn off the TV and think about what's for dinner that night or call my best friend and talk for two hours about absolutely nothing (or everything... whichever the case may be). What I mean is... we are given sooo much...even if it feels like we don't have anything at all... yet we are soooo quick to want more. I'm the queen of materialism! I love new shoes and DVD's and can easily drop a 10-spot at Target on nothing worthwhile. I know it sounds cliche, but how selfish is that?! It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

God asks us to pray for those who suffer as if we were suffering with them. I'm the first to tell you that isn't something I do all that often. It's too sad or too hard. It's too personal or not personal enough. Mostly, I just don't do it. I guess, I just want to challenge those of you who read this to step back for a while and appreciate what you've been given... even if seems like you haven't been given much. Then... take some time to suffer. I know that sounds harsh, even kinda stupid... and I don't mean suffer like jump out the window or step on your new puppy suffer. Just take a second and try to put yourself in the shoes of someone less fortunate. Just try.

Blessings,
Tempa

Sunday Night Boredom

2005-02-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's Sunday night, Superbowl Sunday at that, and I am bored out of my gourd!! The two shows I like to indulge myself with on Sunday nights (Extreme Home Makeover and Desperate Housewives) were both re-runs and I have absolutely NO interest in watching the biggest football game of the year.... or any football game of the year for that matter. So, that leaves me with pretty much nothing to do. I even spent a few hours this evening cleaning up my room and began packing for the fact that I will eventually move out of my parents house and into my own place (hopefully sooner than later). That really puts this boredom thing into perspective, doesn't it?! :-)

So, later this week I am driving to Iowa. I kinda feel like I was just there. Actually, I kinda was just there. I wish there was some way I could get there without having to drive the 10 hours. Like some sort of tele-transporter where I could just blink and be where I want to go. I mean, I don't mind driving at all, but it's expensive and I just did it like a month ago. Hopefully, I'll be moving closer pretty soon so the 10 hour drive will be substantially shorter!! Anyway, the band I was in last year was asked to play again at my college. Last year we were given the opportunity to open for a pretty well-known Christian rock band. This year we're co-headlining a show with some other local group. I've heard they are pretty hardcore, so I think we'll stick with the softer worship stuff. We're better at that anyway. Well, at least I am ;)

So... Valentine's Day. Two words that can strike a nerve with those who find themselves unattached come February 14th. Even though I've only been on the "attached" side of the equation twice during Valentine's Day, I've never really been one to get all uptight and crazy about it. Granted, I've never 100% embraced my singleness either, but... it's just not something that I think about all that often. Or at least not something that I've ever spent a lot of time worrying about. However, I currently have a part time job at the local Hallmark store. Now, during this season of happy hearts, that could be reason enough to make me want to carve out my pupils with a box cutter, but combine that with friends who are in awesome relationships and a recent shove off of the highdive into the pool of unrequited love.... it should pretty much leave me as a melted blob of loneliness. I'm happy to report that I am none of the above (melted, blobby, or lonely... that is). I'm sure I will write some other long-winded expose (accent over the last e) about my thoughts and feelings on Valentine's day later this week. For know, though, I'm going to find something delightfully mind-numbing to watch and head to bed.

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

A little about me...

2005-02-02T15:40:00.000-05:00

Hi there,
So everyday (well, almost everyday) I write on this blog telling you things about my life and my day, but I realized this afternoon that I haven't really ever told you anything about me. You know all about my thoughts and my passions and what I do with my daily life, but you really don't know who I am at all. I hope to change that in this blog!! This blog will be all about me....

I will tell you the truth when you ask how you look in a new pair of pants, I won't sugar coat the fact that I think you're boyfriend is a jerkstore, and I'll call you out on things if I think you're being illogical, but somehow you probably won't be that upset with me because I'm just being honest. I can't stand awkward silences, but silence in itself isn't a bad thing. I'm not a fan of confrontation, but I do enjoy intelligent conversation. I'm the girl who answers incorrectly in class when no one else has the guts to guess. I hate science, but love the arts. Music and writing are my favorite. I dropped out of trigonometry early in high school because I sucked at it, my teacher was a bit of an alcoholic, and didn't think I needed it. I haven't needed it yet. I have curly hair, and I like it. I never had pretty hair growing up, so I can be a bit vain about the fact that I do now. I sometimes speak before I think. And by sometimes, I mean most of the time. Speaking before you think can make you look quite foolish. I love wearing hoodies and American Eagle shoes, especially in the fall. I plan on wearing Adidas at my wedding someday. People always say I'm funny, but I think I make myself laugh more than others. I like it that way. I have quite a few different laughs. One sounds like a grandpa, one sounds like a baby and one is just a loud "HA!". I am horrible at self-motivation and pretty lazy when I don't concentrate on being otherwise. I only wear silver jewelry because gold doesn't go well with my skin tone. I'm kinda yellow :) I love war movies and I am petrified of the fog. That's right. Fog. I don't cry that often, but things that make me cry are Jesus, music, Extreme Home Makeover, and Hallmark commercials. I love coffee, but only expensive, high calorie, not-real-coffee coffee. I think reality TV is highly overrated, yet I can't seem to turn it off. I'm a fan of witty banter and, interestingly enough, I only mock the ones I care for the most. It's a fact, although one I am not too proud of. I can be pretty intellectual, although it's not the side of me that people notice. Unfortunately, it's not the side I show that often. I like sports, but only when they are live. Not on TV. I would say I'm usually optimistic. I keep my glass (and the glasses of those around me) always half full. I'm hooked on Dawson's Creek. Always have been. Always will be. I'm moved by gospel music and children's choirs. I like talking on the phone and think conversation is the best way to love. My eyes are green. My hair is brown. Above all else... I'm thankful for everything.

There you have it, a little about me. Maybe you could tell me a little something about you...

Where are you?

2005-02-01T15:02:00.000-05:00

Here I am. Where are you?

I imagine you are at work. A journalist, maybe, or a teacher. English? History? P.E? Oh, please don't let it be P.E.! I imagine you are changing the life of a child even as I sit and write about you. Telling a young girl that she can accomplish more than she gives herself credit for, or coming up with some intricate football analogy to explain the idea of democracy to a struggling boy in 3rd period. Or, maybe you're still in school. Spacing out during your psychology class, thinking about how much you would rather be somewhere else. Maybe you are between jobs right now, not even sure of what job you're supposed to have. You spend your days working part time at the local music store, playing all the expensive guitars and wishing they were yours while daydreaming about what your future holds. You don't know that I'm a part of that future... but I am.

I can't help but imagine what it would be like if were together now. You would call. I know it is you because you have a special ring tone on my cell phone. Just another convenience of a modern romance. After a casual hello and daily small talk, you would ask what I wanted to do tonight. Good question. I wouldn't have an answer. Although going out is nice, staying in might be nicer. I suggest ordering in and renting one of the movies that has recently been swarmed by Oscar Buzz. Nope. You don't like that idea. "I'll surprise you", you say. I can't help but go along with that... I do love a good surprise. Later that evening you would pick me up, both of us dressed in our mid-day best. Jeans and gym shoes, of course. We would hop into your sporty SUV... a car you bought (and will be paying off for the next 10 years) merely because you thought it, as you say, 'upped your cool factor'... and we're off. Of course the drive is filled with witty banter and the occasional silence in which we both think about how lucky we are. Your surprise turns out to be a trip to the roller rink. Although I am quite apprehensive--being that I haven't been on roller skates since I wore my hair in a side pony-tail and kept neon colored scrunchies on my wrist-- I feel safe skating with you. There's something about the way you tell me I'll be fine that actually makes me believe it. After you tell me that my pathetic attempt at roller skating was actually quite endearing, we grab something to eat at the local over-rated chain restaurant and end up back at my place. Where you have so thoughtfully (although not too surprisingly) rented that Oscar bound movie I had my thoughts on earlier. As I settle into your arms... a space that was seeminly created for me... I can't help but think about how I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I am here. Where are you?

it came at a price

2005-01-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Hi there,

Good news. I am feeling much better today. That may have something to do with the 10 hours of sleep I got last night or the entire gallon of pulp free orange juice I drank in the last 24 hours. I'm surprised that I'm not peeing orange this morning!

Ok, so... I want to talk about something that came to my mind during my quiet time last night. I hope I can articulate my thoughts on the matter in a way that is at least quasi understandable, but I apologize in advance if that doesn't quite happen. So.... you know how everyone always says the best things in life are free? That's a really good cliche to use when you're atop a mountain in Colorado watching an autumn sunrise or as your lying on a blanket in the park with that special someone watching shooting stars in the summer sky. Those are great things, but I don't know if I would classify them as the "best things in life". Although... I'm sure if you asked me if those were the best things in life while I was atop a mountain or with my (currently non-existent) boyfriend watching the sky... I would say Yes. But I would be wrong. I would definitely agree with the fact that all the really good meaningful experiences in life often come without a certain monetary attatchment, like friendships and conversations and all the things I usually talk about in this blog. But I would have to say that the best thing in life, the very best thing that has happened to my life... came at quite a price. Salvation. It says in 1 Corinthians "You are not your own; you were bought at a price." That's the truth. Everyone knows of John 3:16, For he gave His only son.... etc...etc. Somehow, unfortunately, that has become a cliche in itself, I think. But it's true. God gave the life of His only son for me, for my life. Christ ended his life on earth so that I can begin mine and when I actually sit down and think about that... it blows my mind.

So yes... the good things in life ARE free. The things that we wrote in our diaries as children and the things that we whispered in the ears of our best friends as teens are most often free. The things we long to experience as adults and the things we remember experiencing when we're old are most often free. But the best thing in life. The VERY best thing that has happened in our lives. The one thing that makes our lives worth living in the first place.... came at a price. For that, I am joyful. For that, I am thankful. For that... I am Yours.

Blessisngs,
Tempa

Ick

2005-01-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

I don't have much to write tonight. Not only am I running on about 4 hours of (inconsistent) sleep... I'm running on a bit of a fever, too. I don't think I could tell you the last time I had a fever. Actually, I could. Junior Year when Sarah had to cart my bum off to the doctors office. BUT... other than that... I haven't been sick in FOREVER! I don't know how many of you know this, but I think I hold the record for consecutive years gone without puking. Let's see... I'll be 23 in April and the last time I tossed my proverbial cookies was all over the doctor's office when I was 7. That's almost 16 years, ladies and gents. 16 glorious, vomitless years ;)

Yes, I did just knock on this wooden desk. Don't laugh. You would have too.

So, American Idol, huh?? I think that talking about the new season falls well under the "Ick" label I put in the subject line. I won't talk about these people much, but for the love of everything that is good in this world... what are they thinking?!?!?! I've heard monkeys that sing better than some of those people. And no... I don't just say that because I have a bit of a attatchment to monkeys. I wonder what kind of friends these people have. You know, the people that go to auditions and actually think they are good. Who tells them they are good? Maybe I'm just one of those "honesty is always the best policy" people, but if I had a friend who thought they could sing and couldn't... I wouldn't let them embarrass themselves on national TV. I guess they are on TV though, and that's enough for them.

Ok, well... Im gonna get to sleep. My head is getting heavier by the minute and I'm still kinda uncomfortable from that whole hot inside, cold outside fever feeling. I hope all of you out there in the world wide web are having a wonderful week.

Blessings,
Tempa

PS... thanks for all the people who have complemented this blog recently!! It's very kind of you and I appreciate it!

Hello friend.

2005-01-23T01:59:00.000-05:00

Hello friend,

I like to write these blog entries as if we were already in the middle of a conversation. As if this were just another talk amidst a long train of meaningful chatter. Yet another conversation in a long-time friendship. I know that the only people who will see this are those of you who choose to read my writing and the innocent passers-by who happen to stumble upon it while searching for something else, but, I guess, the idea of writing to a friend makes the vastness of this electronic void just a little bit smaller... a little closer.

Tonight, I find myself sitting at my computer with so much to say and not so much time to say it in. I want to talk about movies and music and photography and art...and so many other little bits of nothings that move me in a way I find indescribable. I want to talk about sunsets and snowfalls and laughter and friendship... and all kinds of other amazing gifts that my ramblings don't even begin to do justice. I want to talk about love and life and the heart warming fact that neither one can live without the other. I want to talk about love and life and the gut wrenching fact that sometimes it feels as if they can't coexist at all. I want to talk about dreams, and fears, pasts, and futures. I want to talk about wishes and wants and ideas and thoughts. Needless to say, I want to talk about many things, yet can't seem to muster up the words or the strength to talk about any of them.

What I will talk about, however, is something that has been on my heart for quite some time. Waiting. Waiting is something that is inevitable in all our lives. Something that no one can escape, yet everyone will try. Something that seems so simple in theory, yet is so painfully difficult in it's execution. We wait for so many things in our lives. We wait for love, for jobs, for that "next step". We wait for a letter in the mail, for that phone call after a night out. We wait for our train, our plane, our subway stop. We wait for our Grande Skim Caramel Macchiatto and over-priced lemon square. We wait for something exciting to happen and then we wait for the excitement to subside. At some point... in everyday... we find ourselves waiting for something. We wait impatiently and hopefully. We wait with fear and we wait with baited breath. Regardless.... we wait. I guess what I will say to those of you who came to read this... and even to those of you who have clumsily stumbled across my little corner of the world, is this... whatever it is you're wanting... whatever it is your heart is yearning for... don't be afraid to wait for it. It only makes the moment you receive it greater. It makes that moment a little more worth the wait.

Goodnight friend,
Tempa

basic thoughts :)

2005-01-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Good evening dear friends,

Wouldn't it be funny if we talked like that on a daily basis? Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean all the time) Betsy and I greet each other with long, drawn out, eloquent sentences and pet names. For instance... I would begin with "Good evening, my soft, silent snowfall upon a billowing midwestern wheat field." To which Betsy would reply... "And good eve to you, my newly sharpened number two pencil with a worn eraser due to recent mistakes on my husband's tax forms." I think it would be marvelous if everyone always talked like that. Maybe not as pointless and...well..stupid, but it would be great if we spoke as eloquently as they did back in the day. I'd like it... but maybe that's just me.

So, I'm still finding myself jobless. This whole job search is certainly not as simple as it may seem. I'm either not qualified enough or too qualified. Not enough experience or too much experience. Goodness! Can't a girl cut a break in this world?? ;) Again, though.... I find myself trusting in God's sovereignty. It's a hard thing to do, but necessary. I stress... Hard... but necessary. I found out about some opportunities in Nashville, Tennessee and I'm seriously considering looking to them. What a fun place to live!! And what a great time in my life to live there! If you're reading this... include this job hunt thing in your prayers. Not just for me... for everyone that's hunting for jobs :)

Ok, I am off to read Betsy's blog. I thought I had stuff to write about... but I really don't. Oops :)

In Him,
tempa!

thoughts from a film...

2005-01-19T23:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I could easily sit and write a novel or two about what I am feeling and thinking, and living right now. Writing what we feel and think... writing what we live... just seems like such a natural thing to do on these blogs. Blogging seems so second-nature. Betsy, Christian and I often talk about fun it is to blog and to put your thoughts out there for all to read (even though this 'all' consists of betsy and christian). Like I said, tonight I could easily come up with endless sentences on what is going on in my head, but I don't think I want to. Shocking, I know. But what I do want to do is quote a movie that I know many of you are all too familiar with. The story of Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly. The story of pure, old-fashioned romance. A story that I, personally, fall in love with each time I watch it. And coincidentally... this small (yet meaningful) monologue kinda sums up what I am feeling and thinking, and living...

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void."

Goodnight, dear void~
Tempa

Time in a bottle...

2005-01-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

You know that old song "If I could save time in a bottle..."?? I think it's by Jim Croce or James Taylor or some other raspy-voiced, gray-haired, hippie rocker. Anyway, for some reason that song has been in my head for the last few hours. I've only heard the song maybe 10 times total and 8 of those times were when I taught it to a 7th grade voice student a few summers ago (FYI: it's got a really simple melody, easy for those with pitch problems!) Anyway, there is no real reason why that song should be playing like a broken record in my mind. For some reason, though, I can't make it stop.

"If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is save everyday till eternity passes away just to spend them with you...."

The song carries on about how there's not enough time in the day to spend with your true love and how if said hippie rocker could just save time in this bottle (likely to have been recently emptied of it's mind-mumbling alcohol) than he would be happy and content because he could just spend all that saved time with the one he is meant to be with.

As saptatstic and wonderful as that may sound, it's got me thinking. What if we could save time in a bottle?? Let's say the good Lord came down to me tomorrow and asked me if I would like to freeze the next year of my life in some sort of celestial time capsule (aka: "bottle") . Would I say yes?? At first thought... Heck Yeah, I'd say Yes. I'd say yes, hug the kind sir, and then call all of my friends to tell them about the sweet deal I just got from God. At second thought (which is usually when all my good, intelligent thoughts come around)... I would say no. Before you think I'm completely out of my gourd here, let me explain. Let's take the same sweet deal... God comes down from the golden heavens, asks me the same question, only this time it was a year ago today. A year ago today, He asks if I would like to save my time in a bottle. In thinking back over the last year of my life. I can't think of a single thing that I would like to re-live. I mean, sure I had some awesome times. Graduation, Upstairs/downstairs war with the roommates, Seatback, my baptism... the list could go on for quite some time. Although all of those things were great and I loved them at the time, I wouldn't want to a single one of them over. I wouldn't want to reenact anything that I already acted in the first place. I can also think of a quabillion things I don't want to remember about the past year. We dont even need to get into those. Anyway, my point is....

Jim Croce sings this beautiful song about saving his time in a bottle. We hear all the time about how time flies. I guess what I'm saying is that time doesn't need to be saved because if you kept the old you in a bottle somewhere, you'll never be able to grow into the new you. If we keep dreaming and holding onto the times that were, we'll never be able to experience the times that will be. I say... let time fly. Let the hours feel like seconds, days like minutes. Live each one of those minute-like days, but live them to the fullest. Experience them. Jesus says in John 10:10 "I have come so that they may have life and have it to the full!!"

People always say "Don't blink or you'll miss it". I say... Let's blink, because when we open our eyes... we'll be right where God intends us to be!

Let's chat

2005-01-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

Hello there,

It's been quite a while since I have updated this here blog. I was in Iowa last week and I just haven't had the time yet this week to update. Call me a bad blogger, I deserve it. BUT... I am here to redeem myself. Although, at this point, I am completely unaware of what I will be blogging about tonight. I'm fairly certain it will be a general outpouring of my thoughts at the present time, so who knows where this may lead??:-)

First, let's talk about the weather. I know everyone always says that you only talk about the weather when there's nothing else to talk about. Like the weather is some sort of be-all-end- all last resort of conversation, but this time I really want to talk about the weather. Honestly, what's going on in the world?? I mean, first the horrible tsunami... which in itself is completely unthinkable... and then this massive snow and ice storm sweeps across the midwest, then there is this crazy mudslide in California and for the last two days it's been like 65 degrees in Cleveland, but the high is below the the freezing mark for tomorrow. How weird is that??? I wonder what's going on. If pollution and all the crap we put into this world is coming back to bite us in the bum, or if weather really is just some crazy unpredictable phenomenon that no one can really understand. I know that a quabillion people will be all pissy about me saying this... but even though all this destruction and craziness is happening world wide (and don't get me wrong... it is horrible) I hope people can find comfort in the sovereignty of the Lord. He controls even the weather, so there's a reason behind everything... even things that seem impossible for us to understand.

Sovereignty. That is something that has been tough for me to grasp lately. One of my favorite verses in scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11. ""For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."" When ever I have felt uneasy about my future, I have always turned to Jeremiah for comfort. When I was nervous about college, or anxious about finding "the one". Whatever the case was... I was always comforted by God's promise in Jeremiah. For some reason, now, that promise isn't quite cutting it. The worst thing is... it should. Now, as I stand motionless in this weird entryway to adulthood, God's promises should be the only things that 'cut it'. Now, my hope in Christ should be the only thing that keeps me going. Not my hope for a job, or my hope for a cool apartment, or anything. Just Christ. Christ and the promise that the Lord has a plan for me. A plan for me to prosper and a plan for my future, regardless of whether or not that plan has any similarities with the plan I have so selfishly made for myself. That's the whole concept behind sovereignty and the whole reason it's tough for me to understand completely. God is in control. 100%, complete, ultimate, with out a doubt, no matter how much I try or want or pray.... control. Whatever will be, will be... and not because God is a unchanging, closeminded, egotistical, "I run the world" god, but because he is an amazing, loving, dependable, "I've got it under control" God with a plan that has been perfectly created for my life. Because He is a "No need to worry" God that knows how many hairs are on my head and knows what my tomorrow brings even if I don't. Because He is God. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Alright, now that I have talked a whole lot about what has been on my mind lately. I should head upstairs and get to bed. I have to work tomorrow and I shouldn't be dragging my tail around Hallmark all day. It's not good for business :)

In Christ Alone~
tempa

sus favoritos

2005-01-04T21:13:00.000-05:00

Hello out there to all those lost in the web~

I could talk a lot today about how not having a job and not knowing the future is so easily turning from a really cool thing to a really scary thing... BUT.... That's the saga of so many people's lives right now and if that's the most of my worries I should count my blessings!

So instead... I will compile a short list of my current favorite things. I know that sounds dumb, but it's kind of fun to share that stuff with others. In the spirit of the "interactive blog", the thing that so many of my friends have started, I will ask you (the reader) to share with me (the writer) YOUR favorites as well! Just click on the ole' comment button and hit me up with sus favorites! ;)

Ok... Let's rock...

Favorite color: Chocolate Brown
Favorite movie: GARDEN STATE!!
Favorite song: The garden state Soundtrack.... Primarily numbers 5,6,11, and 12 :)
Favorite TV show: Real World/Road Rules: Battle of the Sexes 2 (what am I, 17??)
Favorite word: Conniption, as in "I hope my Mom doesn't have a conniption"
Favorite scent: Yankee candle in Island Mango
Favorite actor: Zach Braff
Favorite actress: Jennifer Garner
Favorite beverage: Ice water (more ice than water!) in my Nalgene

Ok, I think that's all for now! Tell me tell me... what's yours?? :)

Love,
Tempa

Amazing!

2005-01-02T16:13:00.000-05:00

Hi friends,

I don't have much to write about today, except I would feel like I am withholding something from you if I didn't talk about an amazing movie I rented and watched today. "Garden State" starring Natalie Portman and Zach Braff (he's the dude from Scrubs). He wrote and produced it, too. First off, Zach Braff is extremely attractive (although I'm sure none of my close friends will agree with me on that one!). Secondly, Natalie Portman is great in this movie (sometimes I think she's annoying... like in the Walmart baby movie, which I have shamefully seen many many times). Third, the script is unbelievable. With the exception of the quasi-over-used F-Bomb, it's amazing. Very real, and connectable... which, I think, is what makes or breaks a movie like this one. I don't really want to talk about the plot or the story or anything that will ruin the movie for other people, so I'll leave all that out. However, I do want to share some of the more memorable lines from the movie. Like I said, the script was amazing.

"We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are."

"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else you'll be remembered as the one guy who ever did this.. this one thing"

"You've changed my life. You've changed my life and I've known you for four days."

"How you feeling?"
"Safe... with you, I feel safe...like I'm home."

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."

"You gotta hear this song. It will change your life, I promise you."

Anyway... rent the movie. It's a good one!

Love,
tempa

I wish for you...

2005-01-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

Hello and Happy New Year!! I was talking to a good friend last night and we were discussing the irrelevance of the New year Holiday. Really, what's the big deal?? It's the first day of a new year. If that's the case, shouldn't the first hour of each new day be a similar occasion? Shouldn't we have some sort of ball-drop every day at midnight? 5...4...3...2...1... HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!!!!! It just seems a little excessive, the whole idea of New Years. I mean, don't get me wrong, I will continue to celebrate each year as that ball made of lightbulbs slowly descends upon Times Square... but I still don't really see the point.

Regardless of my personal feelings towards the subject, it is 2005, the New Year. A time of new starts and resolutions. A time when ambition is high and doubt is rarely seen. In this time of wishing and hoping and dreaming... (don't lie, I bet you just started singing the song at the beginning of My Best Friend's Wedding!)... I wish for you a few things. This year, in 2005, I wish for you joy. Unfathomable, endless, fill-your-heart joy. Joy that causes sporadic outbursts of uncontrolled dancing. Joy that causes top-of-your-lungs singing with the radio, even if you don't know the words. Joy that, at the mere thought of your happiness, makes you giggle like a school girl. In 2005, I wish for you luck. Luck that comes out of nowhere. Luck that, when explaining it to others, can be described in only one word: "Awesome". In 2005, I wish for you grace. Grace that allows you to apologize and understand what you are apologizing for. Grace that allows you to forgive, even when forgiveness doesn't seem like an option. Above all else, though, I wish for you love. The kind of love that hurts a little when it's gone. The kind of love that makes everything else around seem meaningless. In 2005, I wish for you the kind of love that will last far past 2005.

Blessings and a Happy New Year!
Tempa

Many years ago tomorrow....

2004-12-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas friends,

Crazy that it's Christmas, huh?? It honestly seems like graduation was yesterday. Crazy!! Anyway, last night, I found myself journaling for quite some time. It's weird to have all these mixed emotions around the holidays. Mostly because any emotion other than joy seems trivial in the light of what Christmas actually is. Anyway, I was journaling and then turned my journal entry into the lyrics to a song. I dont really have a tune for it, or a chorus... but the verses are there. I guess I just wanted to share those verses with all of you.

Watching lives around me and wishing they were mine
I fear I'm quickly losing all I've, slowly, come to find
Time flows like rushing waters yet seemingly stands still
It's now I hope my faith is far stronger than my will

I wrestle with the knowledge that I am meant for more
If only You could move in me the way you have before
Many years ago tomorrow You came into this world
and later died in agony to save this lonely girl

It's hard to know the future is not for me to know
and still be surely certain there's a place for me to go
But, many years ago tomorrow you assured me that was true
and living in that trust today is the least that I can do.

I hope you all have a great holiday weekend and I'll talk with you later! Love you!

"For unto you a child is born..."
Tempa

It is well...

2004-12-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

Good evening,

Now I know this may sound silly, but lately I am finding myself being moved by music more than usual. More than usual...you say to yourself... Is that possible?? Well, I'm here to tell you first hand that it is not only possible... it is happening. As I was journaling last night, one of my favorite hymns popped into my head. Well, actually, just the words popped into my head, I had to call Kate for the tune. But anyway, I wanted share the lyrics, and quite possibly some of my thoughts, with you.

"It is well with my Soul"
When peace like a river, attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan shall buffet, though trials will come
let this blessed assurance control;
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate
and hath shed His own blood for my soul.

He lives--oh, the bliss of this glorious thought;
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Oh my soul.

And, Lord, haste the day when our faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trumpet shall sound, and the Lord shall descend;
Even so, it is well with my soul...

Seriously, those words penetrate my life with a comfort and peace that is beyond explanation. I read the background of this hymn, it's origin and whatnot. The man who wrote it lived in Chicago during the Fire of 1871. He spent the few years following the fire helping and serving the more than 100,000 homeless. After two years of helping those who fell victim of the Great Chicago Fire, he and his family decided to travel to England for what they then called an "evangelistic crusade". Due to business affairs, he was forced to send his family over the Atlantic first. Their ship never made it, it collided with an English sailing ship and sank within 20 minutes. His wife was able to cling to a piece of floating wreckage (I know, I know... Titanic style!), but his four daughters were killed instantly. Before his departure, he received a telegram from his wife. This telegram read only two words: "saved alone." He then, wrote this beloved hymn.

That, my friends, is faith. That kind of sure-footed, without-a-doubt, Christ centered faith is something that I can only strive for. "Though Satan shall buffet, though trials will come, let this Blessed assurance control. That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate and shed His own blood for my soul" I'm not sure if it could be stated better than that? Though Satan will tempt us, and we will suffer... be comforted by the fact that Christ is in control and He's got if figured out. He took my temptation and my suffering and it was nailed to the cross on the Hill. I think the best part of the whole hymn, by far!, is verse three. "He lives!- Oh the bliss, of that glorious thought. My sin, not in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross. I shall bear it no more. Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Oh my soul!!" Again, does it get better than that?? Christ lives. How great is that? My sin... not just the quasi-bad stuff... ALL of it... was graciously taken from me and nailed to the cross with flesh and blood. It's not mine anymore. I don't need to carry that weight with me. PRAISE THE LORD!

Goodnight, friends.... and a good night it indeed will be.
Tempa

I'm done!

2004-12-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hello there,

Well... that's it! Remember back on May 31st when I posted that I wasn't sure what to wear on the first day of my internship?? Well, I do. I remember it as if I posted the sentence last night. I didn't though, I posted it 6 months ago and now my internship is over. Today was the last day of my employment at New Avenues to Independence, Inc. It was kind of sad to leave all my clients behind. Although there is a steady intern turnover every six months, they still get pretty upset when people leave them. Especially now, around the Holidays and whatnot. I wish I didn't have to be "just another intern" to them, you know? I wish I could stay and really watch them grow and progress and all that good stuff. Alas, no can do. I knew this was a 6 month thing when I started it, so I'm not that upset. It's just nice to know I was handing them off to someone that is capable of the job. Erin, the new intern, is really good with all the clients. She makes them comfortable, which (I believe) is the most important thing. It's crazy as crap that I'm finished, though. Six months flew by like it was late for the after-Christmas sales at Barney's. It's also crazy as crap that I have ABSOLUTELY no idea where I will be six-months from now. At first, I was a little freaked out by that idea... basically walking blind through the door labeled FUTURE. Now, I couldn't be more thankful! How great is this time in life, you know?? The "early 20's not really knowing what your future holds flying by the seat of your proverbial pants" time of life. That's where I am and that's where I am happy to be. Not knowing where I'll be in a year, in a month!, isn't scary... it's exciting and knowing that I am relying 100% on the Lord to put me exactly where I am supposed to be makes it the best place I could be right now.

With that.... I am off to watch the Season Finale of the Apprentice. GO JEN! ;)

Blessings,
Tempa

Ah, Memories

2004-12-10T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hello,

So, I am not really in the mood to write anything deep or super meaningful tonight. Sorry to all those who wanted me to expound upon the fact that the Today's American portrayal of Christianity is loosely based on anti-abortion and gay marriage and not nearly enough emphasis (if any at all) is put on Loving and being loved by Jesus Christ... which, in fact, is the most important (if not only) component. I may get into that some other time, who knows. Tonight, however, I have decided to continue with the "list" theme and since I am finding myself missing my girls from college, I will make a list involving them. Actually, I will make a list involving Betsy, and only Betsy (not that I miss all the other girls any less!)

Tonight's list:

MY TOP TEN FAVORITE BETSY MEMORIES:
10) Human Relations with Kevin Fiene
9) Singing in the stairwell/Knight Trax
8) Denver Field Experience
7) "Smells like Plastic"
6) NYC (both times and the many times to come, hopefully!!)
5) Ensemble ;)
4) Super Duper MASH
3) Talking with no vowels!!!
2) Pachabel's Cannon Duet ;)
1) CHURCH BELLS!!

Love,
Tempa

member...

2004-12-09T17:42:00.001-05:00

Remember how I said I would update this now??? I lied. Till tomorrow~

Postponed...

2004-12-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

I am writing this short blog update tonight as I prepare for a good night's sleep (here's hoping). I had told a few friends (kate and christian, that is) that I would be writing something about the clients I work with and how we can learn from them...etc.... However, I didn't do it last night and I am far to tired to write tonight, especially about something that I have become quite passionate about. THEREFORE, I will attempt to write tomorrow after sessions, so this thing should be updated by tomorrow evening. In the meantime, I'm sure I will think of 7 other things I could easily ramble about on this internet safe-haven we call a Blog.

So, for now, I will bid you all adieu. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Blessings,
Temp