Sunday night Thoughts....

Hello friends, Before discussing my topic of choice for this evening, I must apologize for being away for so long! It wasn't until a friend reminded me about my lack of blogging that I realized it had been nearly a month since my last entry. I promise, it won't happen again :) Also, before starting tonight's topic... I must digress onto one other thought that is traveling aimlessly around in my mind.

After attending church this morning, I spent the remainder of the day with a good friend (this friend will later be the segue into tonight's topic of choice, but we'll get there eventually). We attended the choir concert of our former college and then spent the evening watching Pride and Prejudice. Now, I have never been one to enjoy reading, especially not novels of such literary grandeur, but I distinctly remember being bored when attempting to sink my teeth into Jane Austin during my high school years. On the contrary, this movie quickly made it's way onto my Top Five Best Movies Ever list. I'm not sure how many times this novel has been adapted to fit the big screen, but not having seen any other adaptation... I must say that this version FAR exceeded my expectations (although, Ms. Knightly does at times look like a vampire) Pride and Prejudice is the perfect combination of romance and comedy mixed with the elegance of old world majesty. Needless to say... I will be adding this film to my collection as soon as possible!

Ok... now onto my actual thoughts for this evening. As you all know by now, I am single. With the exception of a few "maybe's" and an "almost", I have been for quite a long time. It's not something I see as extremely detrimental to my life or my spirit... but lately, it has been something that has set me apart from those who I currently share in this life with. Just the other day, I spent a good portion of 12 hours with three married couples and one couple who have the church reserved for June. The duration of this rainy Sunday was spent with a dear friend who is set to make the trip down the aisle on July 15th and I am soon to see another dear friend who took the proverbial leap nearly two years ago. Don't get me wrong, I love these friends and wouldn't be the same without them... but it does put an interesting spin on the way that I see my social life.

Each time a close friend gets married, it's as if my whole relational framework changes. These friends now have a new and permanent primary relationship, and I have been shifted into second. This relational shift is extremely natural and not at all suprising... but it takes some work to get used to. In a sense, you are letting go of what once was... and let's be honest... letting go is never easy. What makes the whole thing more difficult (and this is the kicker, folks) is that it often feels as if you are letting them go toward something better than where you are being left behind. In any case, what other choice is there? Getting angry? Being jealous? Throwing the ultimate pity-party, complete with scented candles and 80's monster ballads? I must admit, there are elements of immediate gratification in each, but none of them will do the trick. Letting go with grace is the logical option.

I am sure that many of us can come up with many different pictures of what letting go with grace actually means, but I see it as a HUUUGE step in one's own maturity. In order to be graceful about this awkwardly difficult, yet clearly natural process... one must be willing to face the truth. By "truth" I mean the empty, dark, scared places of our souls that we usually try so hard to stay away from. In my case, this sounded a lot like me admitting to the Lord that I am "insanely jealous and feel totally jipped, neglected, and left out. As I looked around the pews in church this morning, I was bombarded with couples sitting arm in arm listening attentively to the sermon as one would calmly stroke the other's back or run their fingers through the other's hair. As I turned to my best friend sitting to my right, she too was linked with her husband deep in thought. A sinking feeling came over me. One can only sit alone amongst pairs so many times without starting to feel a bit third-wheelish at best. Sometimes, I sit behind two other friends that I know well (one of which was the "almost" I mentioned earlier) and although our friendship and conversation is nothing less than genuine... each of his vertical finger motions up and down her back was a screaming reminder of my own romantic misfortune.

Ok, so maybe this is not so much a picture of letting go with grace, but an illustration of the fact that letting go with said grace is ANYTHING but easy. In fact... it is hard. Hard enough that there is no way that I can do it alone. Only Someone better than I can get me through what could easily be a detrimental situation without the bruises and scars to prove I was even there in the first place. Only Someone better than I can keep me from being a complete jerk-store and facing the situation with contempt and jealousy. Only Someone better than I am can enable me to know- in the dark and empty places of my soul- that my friend has been given a gift and I, as her friend, should allow her to enjoy it. Not only allow her to enjoy it, but celebrate it with her. That grace has only recently crawled into the nooks and crannies of my soul and only recently has that grace allowed me to be somone better.

Actually, the more I think about it, I realize that nothing in the past few years has taught me dependence on God like letting go of people I care about. Maybe it is because I am chronically codependent, not to mention a self-proclaimed relationship junkie, but letting go has never come easy for me. I need help trusting that if I say goodbye... I will say hello again soon.

Ok...let's wrap this up... I have had some serious hunger pains since my friends started (slowly but surely) marrying off two years ago. There have been many a lonely Friday night when Ive wanted to call a friend who was instead with her husband. At times, it has felt like I might as well start letting in the stray cats that roam around my building, watching Iowa Public Television and the Gameshow Network, and buying cake frosting by the tub. Strangely though, that pattern of love and loss has actually softened my heart. Though I think I would have chosen a different path for my life if I had the chance, learning to let go of those who once occupied my heart has left it more ready to accept and welcome in those who will take up residence there soon.In spite of the ever-morphing relationships between myself and many close friends whose lives have changed with marriage, I have not been forsaken. I have not been left behind. I am not some pitifully depressing, lonely, cold-hearted spinster woman. To the contrary. As I look into those deep parts of my soul, I see that my heart is more full than ever.

Goodnight dear void,
tempa