5/28/04

From my journal on 5/28/04~

Dear Someone,

It's a Friday evening, and I have just arrived home from driving around. It's interesting how in the last four days I have graduated college, moved away from 7 great roommates, and taken up residence in the Eastern Time Zone. My how life changes. I'm gonna be honest... I can't help but wonder if we are going to meet here in Ohio. A small part of me is hoping and expecting that maybe in this place, at this time...

I miss you. Mostly in the quiet moments amidst the usual daily routine. How can it be that I need you and yet get along fine alone; that I long for your presence yet find myself complete without you. How is it that I hope to have my world so unexplainably changed by your being made real, yet I am overwhelmed with the unpredictability of everyday life. I don't get it. I wouldn't change it... but I don't get it. Perhaps when we first meet, I will feel right away that I have been given a gift. This amazing gift that only exists between you and I. I hope I recognize you... not in a "love at first sight" kind of way...but something deeper. Something real.

Maybe you're not in Ohio. Maybe you don't really exist at all. Regardless, I am praying for you and... if it's possible... I'm loving you already.
Love, Me

Well... I guess May 27, 2004 must have been "one of those days" :)

thoughts on being single...

It's funny...6 days out of 7, I don't even think about the fact that I am single. But if you catch me on that one fateful day... I will inevitably be moping about the probability of me becoming one of those old women who live in a run-down townhome with 30 cats and end up eating graham crackers and cake frosting for every meal. If you are lucky enough to talk to me on that one day... who knows how I will react to my perpetual state of 'spinster'.

The struggles of singleness are real, and, might I add, significant. Being single in a world designed for companionship can easily bring pain. I find myself fighting the feelings of unsettledness, tempted to wonder when it will be my time for the church wedding, white picket fence and 2.5 children. I find myself wondering if, in fact, it will be "my time" at all. As I cradle the babies of friends and coworkers, I am filled with deep longings to have my own. I, by my lonesome, attend church services, company parties and social events populated by couples and feel the all-too-familiar stabs of aloneness. I get weary of waking up to the empty half of my queen size bed. I'm not gonna lie... I often find myself battling the loneliness of not having a constant, committed companion.

Trudging through the trenches of singleness takes perseverance. Sometimes it’s perseverance soley brought on by obedience. I choose to believe that God has put me where I am at this point in my life... and then I choose to live in obedience to Him. Although, like Noah and many others we've read about in Scripture, I’m not content to seemingly be yanked into line by God's disciplinary hand. I’d rather hold that hand and walk, in trust, next to Him. I want to press on because walking a difficult road is an opportunity to be a little closer to Christ. God knows, however, that regardless of how much I want to walk with Him, there will be stretches of road when I’ll loosen my grip on His hand. My walk with God will be more like a stumble or... if we're being honest... a flat-on-my-face plummet. Those places on the journey are often when I am struggling with singleness the most. It’s in those times that I need to take a step back and remind myself of some really practical reasons why God might have routed my journey this way. I’m not pretending to know the reasons why I’m still single, but I do know that even in the hardest of situations, God often gives us tiny glimpses into some good things He’s doing. Backing away and forcing myself to see the positive helps me to move forward in spite of the negative. For this reason, I have often been called an "eternal optimist", but I like to think of it as Faith. A walking on water kind of faith.

We have all heard the familiar story of Peter and his walk on the waves. As the violent storm tossed their boat about the water, Peter and his 11 friends were visited by Christ. "Do not be afriad, It is I", Jesus told the men. Those words calmed the inner-storm of the 12 men in the boat that night. The presence of Christ gave them the hope that they will make it through the terrible storm, but Peter was not content with just making it through. “Lord, if it’s you…tell me to come to you on the water". The stormy waters became his platform to get closer to Jesus. They paved the way for an unbelievable experience, an incredible walk of faith that catapulted him into uncharted waters (no pun intended). It’s amazing to me that none of Peter’s friends hopped out of the boat to join him. Maybe they didn’t think it would work for them, maybe their heads were burried too far between their knees, or maybe they just weren’t willing to loosen their whitened knuckles from the familiar grip on the boat. I don't know why they didn't follow in Peter's footsteps, but I do know that they missed out on a miracle. Because they stayed in that boat, they missed out on the blessing and the thrill of experiencing extreme closeness with Christ.

For me, being single is a platform, a wave to walk out on instead of a storm to wait out. I'm not saying that I don't still long for companionship... because, believe me, I do... but I am saying that this time in my life can be used. I can be as productive now as I would be with the white picket fence and 2.5 children. Those days when I find myself contemplating kittens and cake frosting... I need to realize that the pain I am experiencing today, the journey I am on RIGHT NOW, is only drawing me closer to the one who put me there in the first place.

In closing (finally! This entry turned out to be far longer than I thought it would!!), learning to have a walk on water kind of faith transforms what looks like a storm into an adventure, an opportunity. It takes a little more work and definitely more trust... mind you, it’s far easier to sit in the boat until the storm blows over. But, much like Peter's seafaring buddies, if you stay in the boat... you’re missing the best part of the trip.

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

plethora of thoughts...

Hi there friends. I am excited to announce that it is Friday!! After a long week of work... it's finally friday. Which, now that I think of it, means fairly nothing being that I have to work all weekend.

Today was our father's day picnic at work (in a 150 bed facility, there are only about 30 male residents). The rest of the TR (therapeutic recreation) team and I gathered up the guys and headed out to the back lawn where they were treated like the kings they are. Beer, chips and a good ol' cigar... Father's day at it's finest. While watching the 90 year old men puff away at their generic Target stogies, I realized something about my job. You see... lately, I have been a little frustrated with my current position. It's a good gig, don't get me wrong... I basically get paid to hang out with people... which I might say, I'm pretty good at ;) I do feel like I am using my spiritual gifts to improve the lives of the residents... BUT... I'm not certain, at this point, if this job improves MY life at all. Now, I don't mean that in an awkward selfish kind of way (although it sounds mighty awkward AND quite selfish)... I just didn't want to be 30 and stuck in a job that isn't teaching me anything, a job that's not allowing me to grow. As I sat in the sun this afternoon talking to Herman about his time as a dentist during the Great Depression, I looked around and saw Delbert with his wife of 65 years laughing and carrying on as if they were newlyweds. I saw Tom telling stories of how his time in the war was the only time he's ever known true humility . I watched Gail dance the 'Charleston' from her wheelchair because "you only live once so why not live it up". As I slowly scanned the circle of what seemed to me to be most interesting people I have ever met... I realized that this job is far more than a 'good gig'. Singing hymns with Bernice, writing life-stories with Arlo, exchanging witty repartee with Gerry... those are all things that make it seem like I am the one improving lives. It was only today, over the pungent scent of generic cigars, that I came to realize MY life is the one thing being improved. I don't know how long I will stay at Martin Luther Manor, but I do know that I will leave there changed ... and for that, I am grateful.

For now, I am going to spend some time playing guitar. I haven't written anything in a while and I fear I may be losing that passion. Perhaps the next hour or so is what I need to recharge... either that... or a muse.

Goodnight friends,
Tempa

Think on this... (similar to random thought of the day, but perhaps a bit more introspective)
The one thing we all truly long for is to no longer long for anything.

thoughts on friendship...

It is raining tonight in the city. The kind of rain that mysterioulsy makes all who are experiencing it curl up under blankets on their couches. I've come to realize that summer storms in this city are nothing to laugh about. We've already had tornados, power outages, and hail damage. If you listen closely... I'm sure you can hear the faint, yet incessant, drone of the severe weather siren even as I type this entry tonight.

I'm wanting to write tonight about friendship. I recently read some teenie-bopper magazine article about what a "true friend" should be. This (not exactly journalistic) article was chalk full of things like "don't steal your girlfriends man" or "lie only when necessary". Needless to say, I was a bit disappointed that the women of tomorrow are getting such craptastic advice about friendship. Don't get me wrong.... I doubt I'm the picture-perfect confidante at all times, but I, at least, attempt to take my friendship cues from a bit more reliable source. AKA: The Bible. Tonight, I will share with you what I have learned to be the distinguishing characteristics of a true friend.

A true friend "sharpens"-
Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." Just like the sharp edge of a knife, a true friend will put an edge on your life and continue to aid in it's sharpening. False friends will ultimately dull your life, blunt your influence, basically... drag you down. True friends will do the opposite. A true friend is one who will ultimately influence your life, in all areas, for the better.

A true friend "sticks"-
True friends are steadfast. As it is stated in Proverbs 17:17, a favorite verse of mine, "A friend loveth at all times..." At times, the journey of friendship is like a cruise ship. It's fairly easy to get on and off board. Often, friends will stay on board as long as everything is sailing smoothly; but once rough water arrives, they abandon ship. A true friend is one who will ride the waves, and possibly even help you steer the boat.

A true friend "stabs"-
Now, I realize that at first glance "stabs" seems to be a rather harsh word, but hear me out! Proverbs 27:6 says "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." I am a firm believer in the truth that true friends will wound you if it's necessary. That is, a true friend will tell you the truth even if it's not what you want to hear. Flattery is not a sign true friendship. A true friend cares enough to confront. The best friends I have had in my 23 years of life are the ones who have been honest regardless of what they thought I wanted to hear.

Granted... staying away from your girlfriends' significant other is an important thing to remember, but I wouldn't say that it was a defining characteristic of what friendship should be. I know that I didn't do the greatest job of explaining my points, but at least I set you folks up with some places to look up the scripture I referenced. That's really the most important part anyway.

The rain has since died down and I am now headed off to bed. Tomorrow is one more rainstorm closer to another beautiful weekend.

Goodnight, friends.
Tempa

thoughts...

It has been quite a while since I've found myself in front of this screen and it's a little hard to believe it's already been a year since I started this little gateway to my soul. My how time flies. I have just returned home from a movie with a friend and am feeling somewhat drawn to write tonight. I don't think I have anything specific to write about, per se... I am just feeling compelled to write. So, my friends, that is what I will do...

Have you ever been traveling down the highway and suddenly realize you have no recollection of how you arrived at your destination? As if the past forty miles were somehow nonexistent? It leaves you with a feeling of uneasy accomplishment. Proud that you have come to the end of your journey, yet apprehensive about the fact you have no memory of the journey in the first place. Tonight, as Alicia and I sat teary-eyed watching "The Sisterhood of the traveling Pants" (a movie, by the way, that I would highly recommend), the ominous wave of uneasy accomplishment hit me like a 16-wheel Mack truck. Here I am 23 years old, living in Minneapolis, starting up this whole new adult life … and I have absolutely no idea how I got here.

I mean... I drove here... from Ohio... I know that part... but how did I GET here?! What paths in my life did I choose to take and moreso what would have changed if I had chosen differently? What decisions in my life had direct effect on the outcome of my life at this point? I wonder if I had never moved to Chicago from Kentucky... where would I be? If I had never quit softball and joined a choir... who would I be? If I had chosen to study english or psychology or something else that I had a small amount of passion for instead of choosing the one thing thing that seemingly defined passion... what would I be doing?? It's not that I am unhappy where I am or that I want something more... it's just that I wish I would have noticed the ride that got me here. It's as if I have waited my whole life for my life to start, but while I was waiting for it... I missed actually living it.

Maybe it was the over-romanticized chick flick, maybe it was the feel of approaching summer... but whatever it was has left me numb tonight in this state of uneasy accomplishment. What ever it was has propelled me to live my life instead of wait for it, to pay attention to the road ahead as I travel on this journey. Above all else, whatever has left me numb tonight, will only allow me to feel tomorrow.

Goodnight~
Tempa